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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445652">Gold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormkpr/pseuds/Stormkpr'>Stormkpr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bellarke, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Love, M/M, Praimfaya, Survival, angst and sadness but always a happy ending from me, background Kabby - Freeform, canon-divergent, mackson - Freeform, niytavia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:47:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>61,687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26445652</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormkpr/pseuds/Stormkpr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The original plan in Season 4 was that 100 members of Skaikru, the people on Clarke’s list, would survive Praimfaya inside the Ark. The plan fell apart when Clarke was forced to give 50 spots to Azgeda and then when Ilian destroyed most of the Ark. But what if those two events never happened? What if the 100 people on Clarke’s list truly will be the survivors inside the Ark, and they need to remove the rest of Skaikru before the deathwave? </p><p>Bellarke, Mackson, and Niytavia</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Octavia Blake/Niylah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>88</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you Penguin of Prose for detailed and encouraging beta-testing!</p><p>T/W – Suicidal ideation. Nothing beyond what we saw in S4 of the show.</p><p> </p><p>Also, without spoiling Season 7 or this very fic…all I will say is that despite some incomprehensible writing choices on the show, I believe in happy endings.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Gold: Chapter One</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Gold is tried by fire and brave men by adversity” – Seneca</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>Niylah takes a few deep breaths while trying to keep both her inhalations and exhalations quiet. She feels a bead of sweat run down the side of her face.</p><p>She hears footsteps in the distance. The Ark is so quiet now. She wonders if whoever is walking nearby can hear her heart pounding inside her chest.</p><p>Is this the end? Has her hiding place been discovered?</p><p>Niylah takes another breath, as quietly as she can. She doesn’t belong here. She’s not one of them. If she’s discovered, they will toss her out. She will either die in Praimfaya or the radiation that precedes it.</p><p>The footsteps are coming closer.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Jackson paces around the empty med bay. His plan is insane. It’s laughable, ludicrous. The work of a desperate man.</p><p>But it’s the last chance to save Nathan Miller’s life, and he’s going to do it even if it costs him everything.</p><p>At least the plan is simple. Jackson will grab the radio and have the syringe filled with poison ready to go. Locking himself inside med bay, he will radio Kane and Abby. When they reach the other side of that door, he will make his demand plain and simple. They have five minutes to bring Nathan Miller from the makeshift stockade to the Ark – to safety. If they don’t, Jackson will inject himself with the poison.</p><p>Simple. Effecti—</p><p>No. Jackson shakes his head as he realizes the flaw. The plan won’t work. Kane and Abby both carry guns all the time now. All they have to do is shoot out the lock, open the door, and take the poison away. It’s over.</p><p>His new boyfriend is going to die in Praimfaya.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy knew he’d find her here. He walks up to her and stands by her side.</p><p>Clarke is inside the mess hall. This is the room where it took place, where 358 members of Skaikru were gassed, carried outside the Ark, and placed inside the makeshift stockade.</p><p><em>No</em>, Bellamy thinks to himself, <em>you can’t use the passive voice when you remember what happened. You need to instead describe it this way: <strong>‘This is where I, along with a handful of others, gassed 358 members of our own people. We carried them outside the Ark and placed them inside the makeshift stockade. We left them to die like animals.’</strong></em></p><p>“We’re monsters.”</p><p>At first Bellamy thinks he has spoken, but he realizes that it was Clarke whose lips moved. She spoke the words that he was thinking.</p><p>And he’s not going to argue with her. Instead he simply repeats, “Monsters.”</p><p>Bellamy does take a strange measure of comfort in standing next to Clarke, their shoulders lightly touching. When he took part in what happened here, he bid farewell to the notion that he’d ever be able to take enjoyment from life again. He knew he’d never again experience another moment of happiness, never again experience a peaceful night of sleep. But somehow standing next to Clarke, knowing that she is bearing the same guilt he is, helps a little. Makes it just a bit easier to tolerate.</p><p>The deathwave is close. Bellamy, Clarke, and the other Skaikru leaders have known for months what they were going to have to do. They knew the Ark would only have enough food, water, and air to accommodate 100 people. So they misled people, letting them believe in this notion of a lottery, letting them believe in the idea that somehow the Ark would hold all 458 of them. Maybe it was delusion combined with desperation and lack of information that allowed most of Skaikru to believe they’d be saved. And now with the deathwave near, the time to seal the Ark and remove the 358 who did not make Clarke’s list had arrived.</p><p>Bellamy was in that horrible meeting along with Clarke, Raven, Jaha, Kane and Abby. The meeting where they had to discuss what they had all been putting off: the mechanics of actually removing 358 people. A plan was cobbled together. All of Skaikru would be gassed in the mess hall during dinner, the doors and vents sealed. Then Clarke and the other leaders – along with three trusted guards who were, of course, on Clarke’s list – would carry the 358 out of the Ark, into a makeshift stockade. They would wear gasmasks. The three guards would then do a sweep of the rest of the Ark to ensure that anyone who hadn’t been inside the mess hall would be taken to the stockade as well. Once inside the stockade, the 358 would find water – and poison. Those who didn’t want to die by radiation or the deathwave would have a more humane, faster option.</p><p>It is done now. On his way to the mess hall just now, Bellamy walked by the part of the Ark whose walls were closest to the stockade. He could hear the screams and pleas of the 358. People he loves.</p><p>Monty, Jasper, and Harper. Miller. Murphy and his grounder girlfriend.</p><p>At least Bellamy can take comfort in the fact that his sister will survive. Octavia made Clarke’s list because she is a young woman and, as Clarke and many others have pointed out, if humanity is to survive then the list needs to be weighted towards young women. Bellamy hasn’t seen Octavia for a few hours, but he can grasp an iota of relief from his constant horror in knowing that she is safe here, on the Ark.</p><p>“Maybe I should just go out there,” Clarke says. Bellamy notes how dry her voice sounds, how small. “Open the doors to the stockade and shove myself inside.”</p><p>Bellamy’s despair instantly gives way to a different type of energy. He is going to argue with her now. He wants her to stay alive.</p><p>“No,” he says. “Absolutely not. Our people need good leaders. Especially now. You deserve your spot here. You need to live.” He is surprised at the firmness, the passion, in his voice.</p><p>Clarke turns to look at him, and they are no longer standing shoulder to shoulder. Bellamy sees the pain in her eyes and part of it kills him. Clarke opens her mouth and then closes it. Instead she takes a step towards him and puts her arms around him.</p><p>Bellamy’s heart leaps. Clarke’s arms around him, Clarke hugging him. After he’d taken part in the removal of the 358, Bellamy had thought his heart was frosted over, that all he’d ever feel again would be pain and despair. He has no doubt that pain will be his constant companion, but with Clarke hugging him, he feels something else. Having his arms around her, Bellamy feels almost lightheaded. She’s warm, she’s embracing him, and his heart is no longer empty.</p><p><em>Maybe I should finally tell her,</em> he thinks. <em>Say the three words, tell her how I feel. That I love her, that she is loved. That she is my best friend but that she’s so much more to me.</em></p><p>
  <em>That I need her to be more.</em>
</p><p>Bellamy decides to do it. He has waited long enough. And there’s never going to be a good time to say the words anyway. Their lives have been brutal since the moment they first met on the ground, so there is no point in waiting for the right time to tell his best friend that he loves her.</p><p>But the doors to the mess hall open, and Jaha, Kane, and Abby step through. Bellamy and Clarke abruptly pull out of their hug.</p><p>“We need to decide who gets the other two spots,” Abby says.</p><p>***</p><p>It has been a few months since Clarke made the list. Since that time, two people have died. One was James, a young engineer, who died in a random accident. (Too much faulty equipment, too many makeshift fixes that break at the worst times). The other was a 21 year old named Lisette; her spot on the list had been given to her largely because she was a young, healthy woman. Lisette had perished in the black rain just under a week ago. So Skaikru has two more spots on the list. Clarke and the other leaders had been so focused on their need to remove the 358 that they’d had to put this decision on the backburner. But now it’s time to face the fact that they have two spots to fill.</p><p>Two more life and death decisions to make. Two people to be rescued from the stockade and brought back inside here.</p><p>Bellamy looks from Kane’s face to Abby’s to Jaha’s. He’s never been a fan of Thelonius Jaha. He has come to respect Kane, and of course he holds a special place for Abby since she’s Clarke’s mother.</p><p>Jaha is holding the list in his hand.</p><p>“Right,” Clarke says somberly. “James and…Lisette. We have two spots to fill.”</p><p>Bellamy watches Clarke. He thinks back to Mount Weather, remembers pulling the lever with her. They hate it, they both hate it so much, the fact that they make these kinds of decisions. They play God, deciding who lives and who dies and they wish they lived in a world where they didn’t have to.</p><p>“We have a few ideas,” Kane begins softly. “But we wanted to ask you.”</p><p>Although Bellamy has tried to not think of The List any more than he’s had to, the subject has crossed his mind. He and Clarke discussed it a few nights ago. He had been unable to sleep and had wandered the corridors a bit until he found Clarke doing the same thing. They’d made their way to the mess hall and found themselves sitting on the floor side by side, their backs against the wall. They each sipped a glass of water. Bellamy’s had plenty of sleepless nights in his time. Having Clarke at his side was the only balm he’d been able to take that night.</p><p>“We do,” Clarke says. Bellamy hears her. Her voice isn’t small or broken as it had been a minute ago. “Monty and Harper. Both have served on the guard. And Monty is an apprentice engineer and a botanist – he’d be a great mentee to both Kara Cooper, and of course to Raven. And Harper, in addition to being on the guard, is a young woman. True, her father died of Rawson’s Disease, but the symptoms—“</p><p>Abby nods and cuts Clarke off. “The symptoms don’t usually present until the carrier is in their 40’s. And death occurs, on average, 10 years after symptoms begin to present.” Abby pauses. “Plenty of time for Harper to bear children.”</p><p>“Not to mention,” Bellamy is surprised to hear his own voice, “Monty and Harper are a couple. We’ll need to keep the human race going, but we’re not exactly horses that can just be…bred.”</p><p>Jaha nods enthusiastically. “Better if we have a willing couple than forcing two people together.” He looks around the room. “So we’re agreed then.”</p><p>“We can’t go get them from the stockade now though,” Kane says. “Black rain has been pouring for hours. We’ll need to wait.”</p><p>So that’s that. The group begins to disperse. Bellamy wants to return to Clarke’s arms, to hug her again, to talk with her. But his voice fails him now, and as she turns to leave, the two of them exchange just a grim nod. The moment they had earlier is over. He was crazy, Bellamy thinks, to hope for more in this world. In this mad, brutal world where a handful of people decide who lives and who dies.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Jackson stands looking out the window, his arms crossed over his chest. The black rain thunders down. It’s dark out now too, so Jackson can’t really see the stockade. He can see only its menacing outline in shadow. As the rain and the wind pick up, Jackson imagines he hears wailing coming from the stockade. 358 people. Including the man he loves.</p><p>Somewhere in the back of his head, Jackson can hear the voice of his father. The man is long gone but they hadn’t ever been close; he hadn’t been a supportive dad. <em>You barely knew the guy</em>, Jackson hears his father say. <em>Okay, you were together for a few weeks, you shared some good times and some good sex. But get over him. Pretty much everyone else you’ve ever known or cared about has died, and he’s next. I told you, kid, life isn’t easy. You were a fool for getting so attached to him.</em></p><p>Jackson muses how much easier it would be if Miller were already dead. But the absolute torture in all of this is the fact that Miller is alive, inside that stockade and there is just nothing that Jackson can do to get him out. Jackson can only stand here and think about it and wish he were outside with him. He wonders if Miller and his father will take the poison that’s offered or if they will wait for the radiation and the deathwave. He images that much of Skaikru is taking the poison and maybe has already done so. Waiting has to be a special kind of hell. Ending it now could be quick and efficient. Miller and is father are smart, and they have to know that it’s all over for them, so maybe they have downed the poison.</p><p>But maybe not.</p><p>An idea springs into Jackson’s head. A last, desperate strand of hope. He sets out to find Abby.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Niylah trembles. The footsteps are definitely getting closer.</p><p><em>Well</em>, she thinks, <em>this plan only had a ghost of a chance.</em> For the past few months, Niylah has lived inside the Ark, with Clarke’s blessing. She’s been helping out Abby and Jackson in med bay and has learned a lot. Once or twice Abby and Kane didn’t realize that Niylah was in med bay and so she had the chance to overhear a few important conversations. She learned that the Ark could not, in fact, feed 458 people or provide enough oxygen for them for five years. Not a member of Skaikru, Niylah soon realized that she didn’t stand a chance of remaining inside the one safe place on earth.</p><p>So she made a desperate gambit. She wrote Clarke a letter, saying that she was going back to her people before Praimfaya hit. And then she gathered up the water and rations she’d squirreled away for the past few weeks and headed to the room that used to belong to Aurora and Bellamy Blake.</p><p>Neither of the Blake siblings uses this room anymore; it’s been empty since the dropship went down with Octavia and Bellamy inside of it. Niylah has heard the entire story, parts of it directly from Clarke, parts overheard inside med bay or the mess hall. It’s understandable that neither Bellamy nor Octavia would want to set foot inside here again – so many terrible memories for them. But it might be Niylah’s salvation.</p><p>True, she could have asked Clarke for help. But Clarke has looked like death every time Niylah has seen her during the past few weeks, the burden of leadership during bleak times clearly weighing her down. Niylah didn’t want to give her yet another burden. The two shared companionship, friendship, sex. But there never was anything else there.</p><p>The hiding spot isn’t bad. The light is decent. There’s an old blanket and pillow down here. There’s a book too, though Niylah has to admit that <em>Metamorphoses</em> is pretty slow going. When she absolutely has to, Niylah climbs up out of the hole and uses the restroom inside the main quarters, though she has to really hope that the 100 survivors now inside the Ark are too preoccupied and devastated to account for the extra water usage.</p><p>But rations are going to be a problem. What Niylah has managed to squirrel away and bring with her will last only a few weeks at best. She is going to need to eventually learn the patterns of the guards and she is going to need to put her lock-picking skills to test in order to get inside the food stores. Octavia hid for 16 years, but she had two people helping her. Niylah is going to have to do this by herself for five years without being discovered. She figures her odds of pulling this off are low, but she understands that without the Ark and Skaikru, her odds of survival are zero. At least this way she has a fighting chance.</p><p>Niylah holds her breath. The footsteps are right outside the door to the Blake room, and now the door is opening. Niylah sits as still as she can. Though she has no idea why someone would enter an empty room, she knows she’s okay as long as she can keep quiet. No one is going to lift the floor components and expose her hideout.</p><p>And then Niylah freezes in terror. Someone is doing exactly that. The floor component is being lifted. Her hiding spot is being exposed and someone is looking down at her.</p><p>***</p><p>For his plan to work, in order to save Nathan Miller, Jackson needs to get Abby alone. That has been hard lately. Abby has been as miserable as all of the leaders have been, and her free time has been spent with Kane or with Clarke. Understandably, Abby has been taking solace with the two people she loves the most. And what makes it even harder is that right now, with just 100 healthy inhabitants of the Ark, they have no patients inside med bay so Jackson can’t rely on simply finding Abby there.</p><p>After pacing a bit, Jackson decides to head to Abby’s quarters and speak with her there. He knows that Kane will likely be there, but decides that might not be a bad thing after all.</p><p>As he walks towards Abby’s room, Jackson thinks back to his time with Nathan Miller. He’d first noticed the former delinquent more than six months ago, when he’d returned from Mount Weather. He saw that Miller was brave and honorable and smart. Jackson had even made it known that he liked him, but Miller had gently let him down, saying that his boyfriend from Farm Station was missing but not confirmed dead. And then Bryan had returned and been reunited with Miller. Jackson had glimpsed them a few times inside the mess hall and what passed for the Ark’s bar. He had pushed back his jealousy and told himself to be happy for the couple. Spending most of his days inside med bay with Abby and with a constant stream of patients and visitors, Jackson was always aware of Skaikru’s happenings. Rumors started to circulate. He’d first heard that Miller and Bryan weren’t happy together, then that they’d broken up, then that they were making another go of it, and then that it was finally confirmed to be over between them. More time passed. Miller began sitting near Jackson inside the mess hall, smiling at him, telling his best jokes and stories when Jackson was near.</p><p>Jackson didn’t want to be somebody’s rebound. But he’d always been so drawn to Miller. And besides, from listening to Abby and Kane he’d learned that Praimfaya wasn’t just a rumor, that their time really and truly was limited. Knowing that life was short, Jackson decided to go for it and return Miller’s advances. He and Miller spent a few glorious weeks together. He loved Miller’s stories and jokes and sarcasm. The young man was sweet and gentle, in bed and outside of it.</p><p>Was it foolish to get attached to someone with the end of the world looming? Maybe. But Jackson saw the happiness that Kane brought Abby, and he wasn’t going to deny himself. Every time Miller was in his arms, Jackson felt for certain that this was meant to be.</p><p>Kane has a spot on Clarke’s list though. Miller does not.</p><p>Jackson reaches Abby’s room, and Kane is indeed there. They let him in. “What’s on your mind, Jackson?” Abby asks.</p><p>“I need Nathan Miller here,” Jackson says. “You can make room for one more. And besides, James and Lisette aren’t here. Miller needs to get one of the extra spots.”</p><p>Abby steadily meets Jackson’s gaze. He wonders if she knows how hard it was to come here, to get those words out without his voice trembling.</p><p>Abby’s voice is gentle when she replies. “These are horrible times for all of us. Kara Cooper’s husband is out there in the stockade too. Everyone either has lost someone, or will.” She pauses, “And we’ve already decided who will fill the two extra spots.”</p><p>Jackson bites his tongue to keep from mentioning that Abby is lucky that her partner and her daughter are both safe. He knows that a barb like that won’t help.</p><p>Kane also meets Jackson’s eyes and his tone is as sympathetic as Abby’s. “The problem is that Miller doesn’t have any special skills other than being a guard – and, well, being young. We’ve already filled our quantity of guards and we already have several people under age 21 here.”</p><p>Jackson has overheard snippets of how they determined which guards would stay. From what Jackson has been able to gather, Miller closely lost a spot to those who were better shots and – perhaps – to those who are more willing and eager to reproduce with members of the opposite sex. Jackson decides not to debate either of those points. He decides to play his last – and only – card.</p><p>“I understand,” Jackson says simply. “But I know that the 100 is just a number, and we can fit one more person. So I need to tell you this. Either Nathan Miller is inside the Ark when the deathwave hits, or I commit suicide. I will kill myself. And you will lose the only other doctor.”</p><p>Abby looks as if she stifles a gasp. “Eric,” she says, her voice breathless. “We swore a sacred oath.”</p><p>“I never swore an oath to not kill myself. I am going to do this if Miller doesn’t get a spot. You will lose me and all the training you put into me.”</p><p>“No. You won’t do it,” Kane says, and now he sounds like the Vice-Chancellor made of iron from a year ago. “I will place you under guard 24/7 if I have to.”</p><p>Jackson is ready for that. “You can’t keep that up forever. Sooner or later, a guard will slip or get outwitted. It might be months or years later. But sooner or later I’ll evade them, and I’ll have either a knife or drugs or whatever I need to do the job. I will do it. So bring Nathan Miller here now or you lose one of your two doctors.” He is pleased with the fact that he sounds as firm as Kane even though he’s trembling inside.</p><p>“We can’t do that,” Kane responds grimly. He reaches for his radio. “Major Costa, please send a guard to Abby’s quarters. We are placing Dr. Jackson under 24/7 monitoring, indefinitely.”</p><p>Costa misses just one or two beats before replying, “Yes, Sir.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>The black rain continues. It’s nighttime aboard the Ark but Bellamy, like most of this new 100, can’t sleep so he’s pacing the halls again. He soon finds himself walking wordlessly beside Raven. And moments later Clarke is there too. Walking seems to help, Bellamy thinks. He can’t sleep, he’s too jittery to even sit, and the anxiety begins to swirl through his guts when he lies down. So pacing the corridors seems to be the order of the day. He’s not sure where Octavia is right now but he hopes that she is somehow sleeping.</p><p>As the three continue to walk, they observe what they can only describe as Jackson being escorted by a guard. Jackson’s face is tilted downwards, looking at the floor as they pass. And yes, every person on the Ark now can only be described as despondent, but Jackson appears somehow even worse.</p><p>“Did..we just see Jackson being escorted by a guard?” Raven asks after they pass, breaking the silence.</p><p>“Desperate times,” Clarke answers. “You know how close he and Miller are. <em>Were</em>,” she corrects herself. “Maybe he tried something desperate.”</p><p>“The damn world really is ending if Jackson just pulled a knife on Kane,” Raven mutters.</p><p>Bellamy listens, taking it in. Just another unhinged event, and he wonders how many more of them they will see before the deathwave hits.</p><p>Abby approaches the trio a moment later. “Raven,” she says, striding up to them. “Can we re-run the numbers again? Is there any chance we can accommodate 101 people?”</p><p>“Abby, we’ve looked at the numbers a thousand times,” Raven answers evenly. If she’s exasperated, as Bellamy guesses she must be, she’s not showing it. “Sure, we can do 101. Or even 102 or 103. But we decided that we have to draw the line somewhere. One hundred gives us the best chance of surviving, of riding out the five years of radiation, of ensuring we make it even if the hydrofarm fails or one of the air scrubbers breaks and can’t be fixed.”</p><p>Abby sighs and rubs her eyes. “You’re right. We have to stick with the decisions we made. It’s a matter of drawing the line.”</p><p>Clarke steps towards her mother and puts a hand on her shoulder. “Mom,” she says gently. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you try to get some sleep?”</p><p>Abby lets out something between a laugh and a scoff. “Let’s just admit that none of us are going to sleep until the deathwave hits.”</p><p>Bellamy watches them. He reckons they won’t sleep much afterwards either, though at least they won’t have to agonize over the 358 people inside the stockade anymore. As it is right now, they spend every moment thinking about what is going through their minds, speculating about how they feel. His thoughts begin to spiral. He wonders if this is truly it, if he is doomed to wander the halls each night like a ghost, not alive but not dead. If there ever can be any rebounding from this.</p><p>“I’m gonna take Clarke’s advice,” Raven says. “I think I might actually be ready to collapse and at least pass out for a few hours. ‘Night.”</p><p>Abby nods. “I’m gonna get a glass of water and try to sleep too,” she says, taking her leave.</p><p>Clarke turns to Bellamy and puts a hand on his arm. “You look about how I feel,” she says.</p><p>Is that a smile? Bellamy can’t help it. As miserable as he feels in every way, seeing a hint of a smile on Clarke’s face once again un-freezes his heart.</p><p>“That bad, huh?” he smiles back.</p><p>“You wanna sit for a bit?” she asks. “My legs are starting to get sore.”</p><p>He nods. They’ve wound up near a window with an attached window seat. Just as Bellamy starts to remember how he used to sit on one sometimes and watch the moon and the stars, Clarke speaks up. “I used to sit here a lot,” she says. “Before the skybox. Watch the view.”</p><p>“We had a similar place in Factory Station. I’d sit there a lot too,” Bellamy responds. “One of the only peaceful places on the Ark. Well, that and the library.”</p><p>“Some of the tablets and actual paper books survived the trip down here. At least I’ve heard,” Clarke says. She smiles and shakes her head. “I always meant to head back to the library and spend a half day reading. But – no such luck.”</p><p>He joins her in a sympathetic grunt. “I did a few times,” Bellamy says. “During the…well, during the three months when you were gone. I’d make it to the library, grab a book.” He smiles and adds, “And then get interrupted ten times.”</p><p>Clarke returns his smile.</p><p><em>This is how I know I’m still alive,</em> Bellamy thinks. T<em>hat smile. Those eyes. Just sitting next to her like this. Not to mention the pain at remembering the three months when she was gone.</em></p><p>
  <em>I have to tell her. Have to share with her how I feel. This isn’t the best time, but – hell – when is there going to ever be a good time?</em>
</p><p>“Clarke,” he begins as he reaches to delicately place a hand on her back. “There’s something I need to tell you. You-“</p><p>His words are cut off as both of their radios sound. It’s Kane.</p><p>“Clarke, Bellamy. The black rain has stopped,” Kane says.</p><p>Bellamy has to admit that he’s been so focused on Clarke that he hadn’t noticed that the rain has ceased - despite the fact that they are sitting right by the window. Interesting, he thinks fleetingly, that Clarke hadn’t said anything about noticing it either.</p><p>“Take Cadet Sepetys and go get Monty and Harper from the stockade. She will meet you by the airlock.”</p><p>“Acknowledged,” Clarke says.</p><p>She and Bellamy continue to meet each other’s eyes. They both inhale deeply. The moment is over and it’s time for yet another agonizing task.</p><p>***</p><p>Niylah blinks mutely, looking upwards. Whoever is removing the floorboard knows what they are doing. A second later, the board is pushed to the side and Niylah sees Octavia Blake looking down at her.</p><p>She’s met Octavia several times during her weeks and months spent living with Skaikru, and they’ve spoken a few times. Octavia was even a bit notorious among Trikru, for being Indra’s second and for being Lincoln’s lover. In Niylah’s mind though, Octavia is the sister of the man who led the massacre – the massacre that killed Niylah’s own father. Every time Niylah has spotted Bellamy during her stay here, she has been forced to quietly beat back her anger. She does remind herself, though, that he was also instrumental in defeating ALIE and she needs to give him at least some credit for that.</p><p>Octavia has, Niylah guessed, learned to suppress her emotions; she doesn’t even let out a gasp upon seeing Niylah.</p><p>“Came here looking for a book,” Octavia says quietly and flatly.</p><p>“Uh, here you go,” Niylah says with a smile somewhere between utter desperation and amusement. She hands her <em>Metamorphoses</em>.</p><p>Octavia wordlessly accepts the book.</p><p>Niylah decides to take the bull by the horns. “So, uh, this is the part where I beg you to let me stay.”</p><p>“How were you planning to pull this off?” Octavia asks, looking around her former hiding spot. “You’re gonna need food and water. And maybe even to use the bathroom at some point,” she adds with a gentle smirk.</p><p>Niylah shares her plan with Octavia. Octavia shakes her head. “I only survived 16 years down here because I had help. The rations are kept under so much lock and key that even a thief like Nathan Miller couldn’t get them.”</p><p>Niylah looks down for a second. “The actions of a desperate woman,” she allows. “Didn’t see too many other choices.”</p><p>Octavia holds her gaze and then nods. “I’ll help you.”</p><p>Niylah’s heart skips a beat. “Y-you will?” she asks, not sure if she can trust her ears.</p><p>“My brother is responsible for your father’s death. So my family owes you a debt.” Octavia tilts her head. “And I’m only alive because people helped me hide.”</p><p>They come up with a plan. Octavia will concoct a reason to move back into this room. “I can say that the room I’m staying in reminds me too much of Lincoln,” she adds, shuddering a bit when she says his name. “That way you can come up and use the bathroom, and it won’t be suspicious when the toilet flushes or when someone takes a shower.” She pauses, “Hiding food isn’t gonna be easy. But I’ll figure it out. I’ll take to wearing bulky jackets and sneaking my food into the pockets.”</p><p>“You- you’ll share your rations?” Niylah asks. She still cannot believe what she’s hearing. True, Octavia’s family owes her a blood debt. But in this new world where grounders and their traditions are about to go extinct, no one would notice or care if they never paid it off.</p><p>Octavia nods. “Used to living my whole life on half-rations anyway. I’ll manage.”</p><p>“I have no words,” Niylah manages, breathless. “I owe you my life.”</p><p>Octavia looks uncomfortable at Niylah’s impassioned words, so perhaps that’s why she ignores them. “Let me go make that room change official then. I’ll be back.”</p><p>Niylah is stunned and overwhelmed as Octavia replaces the floor panel and sets to do what she says she will.</p><p><em>I’m going to live – at least for now. And this woman who barely knows me is going to help.</em> Relief floods Niylah’s body. Praimfaya is not going to take her down!</p><p>***</p><p>Kane stands nearby as Clarke, Bellamy, and Sepetys suit up. The air quality outside is already dreadful, and black rain could appear again at any time, so hazmat suits are a reasonable precaution. Kane double checks that their suits are on securely and then reminds them to confirm their weapons are ready before they head out.</p><p><em>So here we go,</em> Bellamy thinks. <em>We’ll walk the 30 paces or so to the stockade. We’ll stride up to the airlock and say we want Monty and Harper.</em></p><p>
  <em>But not Jasper. We have to be ready for that. Monty might refuse to step through the airlock without Jasper. We’ll need to persuade him somehow. Maybe his love for Harper will be enough. Jasper sure hasn’t seemed like he’s wanted to live anymore, anyway.</em>
</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke had also discussed, as they suited up, a dozen other possibilities. There might be so much shouting and chaos that they might barely be heard. Angry people might prevent Monty and Harper from even reaching the airlock. People might demand more water or more poison.</p><p>They will call us every horrible name ever created, and we will deserve it.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Clarke asks. Her voice is all business, and she looks from Bellamy to Sepetys. She grasps her weapon in one hand, and Raven’s device to control the airlock in the other.</p><p>Both confirm that they are. Clarke turns towards the exit, and then looks back at Bellamy and Sepetys. “I know we’ve had to say many times during the past few days that this will be the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do.” She pauses, “Well this might be the new hardest.”</p><p>“Let’s just get it over with!” Sepetys says.</p><p>The three head outside. They walk wordlessly to the stockade. For a few seconds, Bellamy’s legs feel shaky but he keeps going. Despite the bulky suit, Bellamy can hear an eerie rumble in the distance, an unnerving howl. Another harbinger of the deathwave?</p><p>Bellamy expects to hear shouting and yelling as they approach the stockade, but they do not. There is noise, but it’s muted.</p><p>They reach the stockade’s airlock. Clarke presses a button to activate the intercom. “We need Monty Green and Harper McIntyre. Monty and Harper, please step through the airlock. We’re taking you back to the Ark to rejoin the rest of us.”</p><p>Bellamy admires the way Clarke’s voice doesn’t waver. She sounds strong.</p><p>A few moments later, a voice responds from the other side of the intercom. It sounds like Sergeant David Miller.</p><p>“They’re dead. They took the poison. Most of us have.”</p><p>Clarke glances at Bellamy. She touches the intercom again. “We need to see proof. Place their bodies in the airlock. Please.”</p><p>A few minutes go by and sounds can be heard. Bellamy stands there like a statue, hoping somehow that what they’ve just been told is wrong. More rustling and movement. Through the airlock window, Bellamy now sees two people each drag two….bodies into the airlock. Bellamy’s breath catches. It does indeed looks like Monty and Harper. When the inner door to the airlock is sealed firmly by Clarke, they open the outer door.</p><p>Bellamy steps through first, followed closely by Clarke. He has seen death before. He has caused death before. He crouches down beside Monty and Harper’s bodies and removes one of his gloves. He feels for pulses.</p><p>“They’re dead,” he confirms. His eyes glaze over for a second, almost as if he were watching a movie.</p><p>Even as Bellamy speaks the words straightforwardly, his insides are lurching. He has to fight the urge to throw himself through the airlock’s doors, into the hell of the stockade. Monty and Harper gone forever. Monty one of the smartest people he’s ever known. The utterly obscene waste of human life. Once again Bellamy feels like he’s nothing more than a disgusting, tiny bug which deserves to be stomped on.</p><p>This was one eventuality they had not planned for or discussed.</p><p>“Please, can you take my son?” Sergeant Miller’s voice is heard again on the other side of the intercom. “He’s strong and healthy. He’s willing to mate with anyone if that’s what you need.” In another time and place, perhaps the Sergeant’s promise about his son’s ability to mate might have been humorous. But here on this vile night, it is simply the words of a desperate man who loves his son.</p><p>Bellamy again admires Clarke’s steady resolve as she replies, “Sergeant, I need to check with Kane to see who was next on the list after Monty and Harper.”</p><p>Bellamy stands inside the airlock as Clarke and Kane and Sergeant Miller go back and forth in a macabre discussion. The next three people on the list have all taken the poison. Bellamy can only marvel at how calm the people inside the stockade are being. He wonders if perhaps only a few dozen are left. It makes sense. Why prolong the inevitable?</p><p>“Okay,” Kane says through the radio. “What about Nathan Miller and Bree Palmer then?”</p><p>Both are still alive. Bellamy always loved Miller, and he fleetingly thinks that if he were capable of feeling happiness right now, he would. As for Bree, yes they’ve hooked up a few times in the past though Bellamy has no real attachment to her. But he’s glad that she will live. Through the airlock’s window, he watches Miller hug his father for several long moments. Bellamy lost both of his parents long ago, never having even known his father, but the moment still is heart-wrenching to watch.</p><p>And then it is done. Miller and Bree step through the airlock, and the stockade is sealed back up.</p><p>“Can you bring us more water?” Sergeant Miller’s voice is heard through the intercom as Bellamy and the others turn to leave.</p><p>Bellamy winces upon hearing the words. He looks at Nathan Miller whose appearance can only be described as stoic.</p><p>“Yes,” Bellamy answers. “Do you need more poison?”</p><p>“No,” the Sergeant replies. “You gave us enough doses. Some of us are still waiting for a miracle. I just got mine. Maybe we’ll get another.”</p><p>And then, when Sergeant Miller speaks again, Bellamy sees Miller’s face finally crack. “Please tell Chancellor Kane how grateful I am that my son will live.”</p><p>“We will,” Clarke answers. Bellamy looks at her and sees his own agony reflected upon her face.</p><p>***</p><p>The small group enters the Ark, Miller and Bree coughing from the foul air. Miller speaks as soon as he’s able to.</p><p>“Should I report to Kane?” Miller asks Clarke and Bellamy.</p><p>“It can wait for morning,” Clarke says. “Get some rest.”</p><p>Miller nods. Bellamy isn’t sure if it’s the right thing to do or not, but he hugs Miller. Miller returns the hug for a few seconds, and then breaks it off. He heads down the hallway, followed by an equally somber Bree.</p><p>***</p><p>Abby knew that despite her words to Clarke earlier, she wasn’t truly going to get any sleep. Instead, she lay in bed, listening to the radio conversation.</p><p>“Is it done?” Abby asks Clarke, grasping her radio. “Are Miller and Bree here?”</p><p>“Miller and Bree are here,” Clarke confirms over the radio’s static. “The Ark is sealed back up. I told them both to go to bed and get some sleep.”</p><p>***</p><p>By some miracle, Jackson has been able to sleep.</p><p>The guard escorted him to his room and did a full sweep to ensure he had no knives, sharp objects, or medicine inside. There is nothing on the ceiling of the room that can be used to anchor a noose. The guard then notified Jackson that he’d be stationed right outside. “And don’t do anything crazy like trying to drown yourself by sticking your head into the sink. We’re monitoring everyone’s water usage,” are the guard’s parting words.</p><p>Jackson simply nods, kicks off his boots, crawls atop the bed, and is asleep in minutes. It’s a talent he’s always had. He can sleep anywhere, in nearly any position.</p><p>He is awakened sometime later by a knock on the door. This is another talent he has too; he instantly knows when he is needed, especially if it’s Abby doing the summoning.</p><p>“Come in,” he calls, slowly sitting up.</p><p>Abby steps through the door. Jackson sees something on her face. It can’t be called happiness because no one is happy. The notion of happiness is simply a bizarre concept that none of the Ark’s inhabitants ever deserve to experience again.</p><p>“Miller is here,” Abby says simply.</p><p>“What?” Jackson asks as he jumps to his feet. “Is-is this some sort of joke? You-”</p><p>“He’s here,” Abby says firmly. “Monty and Harper took the poison. Kane gave their spots to Miller and Bree.”</p><p>Jackson grips his belly and leans forward, panting just a bit. The emotions flooding his insides are too much, even for a man used to controlling his mind. He’d left the meeting with Abby and Kane feeling resigned to his fate and sincere in his threat that as soon as he got the chance, he’d take his own life - even if it wouldn’t be for years down the road. He’d been ready to just endure the future, going through life like a robot, shutting off all emotion except for a tiny portion of his brain that might continue to care for Abby. And now Abby is telling him that Nathan Miller is alive?</p><p>Jackson soon has proof. As he stands there gaping at Abby, he hears footsteps. He and Abby whirl their heads around and see Miller standing in the doorway. Miller has a small smile on his face even though his eyes suggest depths of hurt</p><p>Jackson thinks he perhaps hears Abby say ‘I’ll leave you two alone’, and the next thing he knows, Miller is in his arms. Jackson abandons any pretense at restraint and he sobs painfully as he squeezes Miller against him.</p><p>Time loses all meaning as he continues to cling to Miller, his eyes wet. Nathan Miller is here, solid and real and strong. He has somehow been spared from death.</p><p>And yet their joyous reunion is also sullied with the fact that Miller’s father is not going to be so lucky.</p><p>***</p><p>Niylah hugs herself as she falls back asleep. Octavia has brought her a few other provisions and comfort items – more clothing, blankets, pillows, and even some books. The next five years won’t be easy, but life never has been easy. She has a place to stay and someone who will help her. She will ride out this storm.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>As he stands next to Clarke, Bellamy removes the hazmat suit and places it inside the locker. He has run out of adjectives to describe the past 24 hours, but he knows he’s absolutely drained. Drained. His legs and entire body feel weighed down with led. He decides he will retire to his room and – assuming that any semblance of restful, deep sleep is impossible – he will at least pass out for a while.</p><p>“Gonna try to get some sleep,” he manages, looking at Clarke.</p><p>“Me too. Maybe I can just pass out for a bit,” Clarke adds, and Bellamy has to again note how similar their thoughts are.</p><p>The rest of Bellamy’s night (or, technically, morning) goes just as he’d planned. Glancing at the clock, he sees that he did, somehow, lose consciousness for a while. It’s approaching breakfast time on the Ark now, so he throws himself into the shower. Showers automatically shut off after three minutes, but the three minutes of warm water feel almost glorious against Bellamy’s aching body.</p><p>When he’s finished dressing, Bellamy hears a knock upon his door. He opens it and Clarke is on the other side.</p><p>Once again, Bellamy feels his heart leap in her presence. Once again, he knows that he is not totally numb. He sees her and can vaguely understand the notion that life might not be one pile of misery after another.</p><p>And Clarke looks, he thinks, decently okay. She, too, has showered and put on clean clothing. A new day. Out of the corner of his eye, Bellamy can even see bright sunlight starting to peak through his room’s window. He can hear the sound of the wind too, but it’s menacing, loud.</p><p>“Clarke! Hi,” he says with a hint of a smile.</p><p>His smile fades suddenly though. The look on Clarke’s face. Bellamy is not sure how to interpret it. She looks like someone who is about to deliver bad news.</p><p>“Hey, is something wrong?” Bellamy asks gently. He realizes that he hasn’t spoken to Octavia for a while. “Is-is something wrong with Octavia?”</p><p>“No,” Clarke says. “Uh, in fact I just saw her in the hall and talked to her for a bit. She’s, uh, good.”</p><p>As Clarke speaks, she doesn’t seem to want to meet Bellamy’s eyes. She slightly shifts her weight.</p><p>“Good. So what’s on your mind?” Bellamy asks. He has a sinking sensation in his gut.</p><p>Clarke looks down before meeting his eyes. “I’m not sure how to say this,” she begins. “So I’ll just get it out. I – uh – sometimes think I have feelings for you. And I sometimes wonder if you have them for me.”</p><p>Her words feel the definition of well-rehearsed, he realizes. Bellamy opens his mouth to speak but the look Clarke gives him seems to implore him to let her finish. So he does.</p><p>“But,” Clarke continues, still sounding as if she’s reading from an awkward script, “I just need to say this. I can’t let myself get attached to anyone. I can’t even let myself feel,” she adds, with a shake of her head. “Anything. Too many horrible things have happened.” She meets his eyes again. “You’re my best friend. Even….even our friendship feels like too much for me sometimes. I can’t be anything more than a friend. To anyone.”</p><p>Bellamy stands there silently. So Clarke correctly guessed what he was going to tell her yesterday. And the fact that she’s here speaking these words hint at the idea that she might have returned his feelings.</p><p>But too many ghosts loom over them, haunting them. Too many deaths. All the people out there inside the stockade. All the grounders who they couldn’t even dream of saving.</p><p>“I understand,” Bellamy says because what else is there to say? He can’t argue with her. He can’t tell her that it’s worth it to open your heart, to allow yourself to love, to make yourself vulnerable that way. What is this world but one heartbreak on top of another? “I understand,” he repeats.</p><p>With that, Clarke stiffly nods and leaves the room.</p><p>Bellamy stands silent and unblinking, his heart plummeting to the ground.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>TBC</strong>
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    <strong>Please let me know what you think so far.</strong>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Two</strong>
</p><p>Jackson feels that it’s wrong to feel anything akin to happiness. There is no way someone can be any semblance of a moral human being and allow oneself to feel happiness at a time like this. But here he is, with the man he loves in his arms, the man he had been resigned to never seeing again. Nathan Miller is alive and safe, and warming Jackson’s heart and bed.</p><p>Jackson wasn’t sure if Miller would be able to sleep, but once both men kicked off their shoes and hit the bed, arms around each other, Miller actually dropped off first. I<em>t makes sense,</em> Jackson thinks. P<em>oor guy probably hasn’t slept since he woke up from the gas.</em></p><p>Miller does awaken at some point and use the bathroom, including his allotted three-minute shower. Jackson is wide awake when Miller emerges from the bathroom.</p><p>“I needed that,” Miller says, drying himself off with the towel. He smiles. “Was gonna ask you if I woke you but…you always wake up when you’re needed.”</p><p>Jackson nods. And he takes note of everything, as he always does – including Miller’s comment about Jackson being needed. “I do,” Jackson says, sitting up. “I’m here for you. Do you want to talk?”</p><p>“I can’t,” Miller answers. “Not just now, I really can’t.” He takes a breath. “It’s just that….how’d they decide to put Major Costa on their list and not my dad? Costa outranks him but my dad’s always been so loyal. He’s just as qualified as Costa to run the guard.” He pauses and swallows. “<em>Was</em>.”</p><p>Despite his words from a few seconds ago, Miller apparently very much needs to talk. And so he does. Jackson provides a gentle, sympathetic ear. From what Jackson has overheard, Sergeant David Miller lost the spot to Costa due to, yes, Costa’s rank as well as Costa being a bit younger and in a bit better health. But right now Jackson correctly guesses that Miller doesn’t need to hear that. Instead he needs to get it out, to talk it through, to rage at the world and at fate. So Jackson lets him do so. When Miller is done, they resume their position on the bed together, arms around each other, until it’s time for Jackson to shower and the duo to head to breakfast.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Two meals a day are provided on the Ark. A morning meal served at 1000 hours and a late afternoon meal at 1700 hours. Meals are tightly controlled and monitored. Meal plans come in four different calorie counts: adult females receive the fewest calories, adult males the second fewest, and children under 16 the third fewest. Pregnant and lactating females receive the most calories, although the Ark doesn’t have any in that category right now.</p><p>The first morning meal after the removal of the 358 is a somber occasion. Those assigned to breakfast duty finish up their meal preparations, all under the watchful eyes of guards. Not one morsel of food can be wasted, and none of the prep team can pocket even one slice of dried apple. The mess hall doors are then opened, and the Ark’s inhabitants file inside.</p><p>Nathan Miller is at Jackson’s side as they line up. Too much has happened during the past 24 hours and Miller knows he can’t process it, though he believes the food will help. He just knows he needs to be grateful for the fact that he’s alive. He has a boyfriend in Jackson, and people he cares about in Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia, and Raven. Kane, too, as a sort of uncle-figure. Miller needs to leave it at that and stop thinking about his final, desperate hug with his father. About how his father is still out there, probably violently ill from the radiation by now. Miller wishes the deathwave would just get here or his father would lose his stubborn streak and just take the poison. He thinks again. Perhaps Sergeant Miller’s talk of waiting for a miracle was just talk for his son to hear, and perhaps he put himself out of the pain the moment Nathan left the stockade. Miller takes a breath and forces himself to leave it at that.</p><p>He reaches the front of the line now, and his tray is handed to him. He follows Jackson to a seat.</p><p><em>Guess I’m in the big leagues now</em>, Miller thinks for a wry moment. <em>Sitting at the table with three chancellors.</em> Jackson has always taken meals with Abby when they both are both free. Kane and Clarke sit with Abby as well, which only makes sense, Miller thinks. And Miller goes on to note that wherever Clarke is, Bellamy, Octavia, and Raven naturally follow. Miller represses a smirk as Jaha joins their table too. Jaha is exactly no one’s favorite person, but it’s logical that he’d sit with his fellow former chancellor and the current one.<em> I hope we don’t have to listen to Jaha expound on this or that during every meal though,</em> Miller thinks. Miller starts to dig into his food.</p><p>“What in hell is he doing here??”</p><p>Kara Cooper’s furious words ring out, and Miller realizes instantly that they are directed at him. He sees Kane and Jaha exchange a look. Apparently no announcement was made as to who would receive the extra two spots.</p><p>Kane stands and faces Kara, his hands out in a placating manner. “Kara. These are agonizing times for all—“</p><p>“My husband is out there in that stockade!” Kara bellows. “He-he’s just nine or ten years older than Miller. And unlike Miller, he knows almost as much about the hydrofarm as I do! And we can <em>have a child.</em> Why in the hell did you pick <em>Nathan Miller</em> instead?!”</p><p>“Kara. I need you to calm down.”</p><p>Although Miller’s not on guard duty right now, he’s relieved to see two guards immediately approach Kara. She looks like she’s ready to throttle either Kane or Miller or both. And, hell, Miller can’t blame her. As Kane said, these are times filled with terrible decisions. He doesn’t suspect the fact that Miller’s father is out there alongside Kara’s husband will help placate Kara.</p><p>“Cooper,” one of the guards says. “Calm down. We don’t want to have to place you in the brig.”</p><p>“Calm down??” she echoes. “I demand an answer! I demand a measure of <em>logic</em> from our leaders!”</p><p>The younger guard hits Kara with a taser, and Kara falls to the ground. Miller thinks the guard moved too fast and should have tried one more de-escalation tactic, but he has to admit that what he did was effective.</p><p>“Bring Ms. Cooper to her quarters,” Kane orders. He adds, softly, “Bring her breakfast rations with too.”</p><p>Unnerved, Miller takes a breath. Jackson places a reassuring hand on his thigh. Miller wonders whether Kara will pose an ongoing problem for him. <em>And we’re trapped here with her for the next five years.</em></p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy periodically glances at Octavia. “You need to eat, O,” he says gently. He looks down at her plate of oatmeal and dried apple slices. She’s hardly touched it.</p><p>“I’m working on it,” she replies. “Look around, brother. It’s like a funeral in here. No one’s eating much.”</p><p>He can’t argue with that. His conversation with Clarke this morning broke what was left of his heart. <em>Clarke’s right,</em> he reminds himself. <em>Life’s just too painful. What did Lexa once tell Clarke? Love is weakness. She was clearly right.</em></p><p>Clarke sure thinks it.</p><p>Bellamy puts those thoughts out of his mind and nods at Octavia’s comment. “How’s-how’s your new room?” He then adds, “Our old room,” alluding to the fact that the Blakes used to share it.</p><p>“Fine,” she says. “It was good to get out of the other one. Too many memories. Of him.”</p><p>When Bellamy opens his mouth, Octavia just gives him a look. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she says harshly. She then pauses and seems to soften. “Sorry. We’re all going through so much shit.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Every grounder on the planet is going to die – if the radiation hasn’t already gotten them. They were always more of my family than Skaikru.”</p><p>Bellamy listens to Octavia’s words. They come out sounding more factual than bitter. He can’t fault her for not seeing herself as one of Skaikru, and he’s not in the mood to argue with her or remind her that she was given one of Skaikru’s coveted spots here.</p><p>As he thinks of what Octavia has just said, he glances at Clarke. <em>Maybe</em>, Bellamy thinks, <em>Clarke wants someone who could have found a way to prevent this. To protect everyone, not just 100 people. Maybe if I’d been that person, she would have wanted me. If I’d somehow found a way to prevent this, to save everyone.</em></p><p>Bellamy glances out the window. The wind, rain, and other havoc all seem to be increasing rapidly. Even within the last ten minutes, they have really picked up. Raven mentioned to the group that the deathwave will be here very soon, and it’s clear that it’s on its way. Right now. Kane is standing up and saying a few words as chancellor. Bellamy only gives it half a listen. It’s not bad, the parts Bellamy absorbs. Kane’s not trying to say anything too inspiring or give a pep talk – no one’s in the mood for that – but he is reminding them that they faced terrible choices to get here and that now everyone needs to live and go about their days. “We are the last of the human race,” he is saying. “We will move forward as a united group.” He adds that with the deathwave almost here, they will hold a memorial soon, “for those who we lost.”</p><p>“Which is literally everyone but the people in this room,” Raven mutters under her breath, so low that Bellamy thinks he might be the only person who hears it.</p><p>When Kane’s speech is over, people begin to set about starting or resuming their chores for the day. As one of the leaders, Bellamy will join Clarke, Kane, Abby, and Jaha for a daily post-breakfast meeting. He knows it won’t be easy, seeing the woman he loves at every meal and at a daily meeting.</p><p><strong><em>Loved</em></strong>, he corrects himself. <em>Past tense. She told you it’s not going to happen, so you need to move on. Stop looking at her the way you do. Shut it all off like a faucet.</em></p><p>Bellamy looks at Octavia again. She’s picking up her tray, which still contains half her meal. “Bringing it to my room,” she says. “Maybe I’ll get an appetite later on today.”</p><p>He nods. He notices that she’s not the only one doing so – plenty of people are too shocked, horrified, and sickened to eat.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Niylah still, really and truly, can’t believe her luck.</p><p>“Just get that look off your face and eat,” Octavia says. They are sitting inside Octavia’s room, Octavia on the bed, Niylah on the chair by the desk. The rooms are soundproofed well enough that they can speak at a normal volume – as long as they refrain from yelling or singing, even someone standing right outside won’t hear them.</p><p>“Thank you,” Niylah says. She slowly starts to eat the remaining half of Octavia’s meal. “I’ll need to thank you each day for the next five years.”</p><p>“Please don’t. That will get really, really old,” Octavia says, with her arms crossed.</p><p>“Will people notice sooner or later though….that you’re losing weight?” Niylah asks. She can tell that Octavia doesn’t exactly want her to throw herself at her feet with gratitude, so she tries to keep her tone even as she asks the question.</p><p>Octavia shrugs. “I only ever got half-rations for sixteen years anyway. And Indra always said I was all muscle.”</p><p>Octavia takes a deep breath, and Niylah can easily read the look on her face. The loss of Indra has to be brutal for Octavia, especially considering that she’s still dealing with Lincoln’s murder. “All of Trikru respected and admired her,” Niylah says. “She-“</p><p>Octavia waves a hand. “Can’t talk about Indra right now,” she says flatly. She shakes her head. “I wish it was Trikru who found a way to survive and not Skaikru. They were always my real people.”</p><p>There’s not much to say to that, so Niylah remains quiet as she eats. After some time, Octavia cracks a smile.</p><p>“What?” Niylah asks softly, with a smile of her own.</p><p>“Was just thinking what I’ll do if Bellamy or someone knocks on my door when you’re up here,” Octavia says, tilting her head back. “I think I’ll just say ‘Go away, I’m masturbating!’”</p><p>With that, both women can’t help but to laugh. “How many times is that going to work though?” Niylah asks, in between laughs.</p><p>“As many times as it needs to.”</p><p>When Niylah is finished eating, she showers. She and Octavia have agreed to a system. Since each Skaikru is allowed one shower per day, the two of them will alternate who gets to bathe. As Octavia has said to her, ‘I can shower every other day. I don’t stink that bad.’ They also decided that another thing they could do is run the shower for three minutes and fill buckets with water so they both could take sponge baths each day, if they want. As for clean clothing, that is one thing the Ark has in abundance – especially since 2,200 people used to live on the Ark. They took the spoils from Mount Weather too. Many ghosts walk the halls.</p><p>When Niylah emerges from the shower, wrapped in a towel, she hears something. It’s not voices or people. It’s coming from outside. She exits the bathroom and enters the room’s main area. Octavia is looking out the window.</p><p>“It’s here,” Octavia says flatly. “Praimfaya.”</p><p>Niylah stands silently at the window, shoulder to shoulder with Octavia. She’s known for months that it was coming and that there was no way to save her people. Despite having a stomach that no longer growls and despite feeling refreshed from the shower, Niylah can only describe herself as numb again right now.</p><p>She forces herself to take a breath. This is it. The green forests she used to ride through. The lakes she used to swim in. The wildflowers she used to collect. All the hidden treasures that used to adorn the forest, the wild mushrooms she’d go picking with her dad for fun. All gone. Niylah turns to glance at Octavia.</p><p>“This has to be even worse for you,” Niylah murmurs. “You only got to enjoy it for a few months. Earth.”</p><p>Octavia snorts, “I don’t know if I’d use the word ‘enjoy’ since I spent half the time trying to not get killed.” She then adds. “But yeah. It was beautiful.”</p><p>Niylah again looks at Octavia. She wants to hug her, to offer some comfort or…something. But as she looks out the window, Octavia’s eyes are a little too distant and hard. Niylah steps away and begins to get dressed.</p><p>***</p><p>With med bay empty of patients, Jackson does what he likes to do when he can: read the journals and the studies. The Ark’s tablets, along with more than a few old paper books, contain a wealth of medical and scientific studies. Jackson feels there is always more that he can learn and absorb. Yesterday he couldn’t concentrate – he could barely think. Today, with Miller miraculously saved, his brain is in a much better place.</p><p>When they first leave the mess hall, Abby walks with Jackson for a bit. She has to head to a leadership meeting soon, but she wants a few minutes with him.</p><p>“I just need to check on you,” she says, placing a hand on his back as they walk. “With Miller here, we’ve decided – as you can see – that you don’t need a guard on you anymore. But as your physician, I need to check. Is it…safe to say you are no longer at risk of self-harm?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Jackson doesn’t regret what he did in the least. He doesn’t know if his actions bumped Miller up on the list or not, doesn’t know if they influenced Kane during his discussions with Clarke – and right now he doesn’t care. In fact, it feels almost exhilarating, the fact that he asserted his wants even if it was in a fit of utter desperation.</p><p>“That’s what I thought.” Abby pats his arm and heads off for her meeting.</p><p>When Jackson sits down to read a journal, he is thoroughly absorbed in it. But he can’t miss what he sees through the window, out of the corner of his eye. It’s here. The deathwave.</p><p>And a second later, Nathan Miller is here too. “I’m on duty,” Miller says quietly as he enters med bay. “But I just happened to pass by here.”</p><p>They stand silently by the window, holding hands and watching it. There is nothing much to be said right now. If there had been any chance that David Miller was still alive, he’s gone now as the death wave rattles the Ark and exterminates all living things. Jackson’s stomach clenches. But he has the warmth of Miller’s hand in his, the security of having this man by his side.</p><p>“We always knew – or suspected – we were hanging by a thread on the Ark when it was in space,” Jackson murmurs. “And now here we are. Probably the last of humanity.”</p><p>“Do you think there could be any survivors? Anywhere?” Miller asks. “Like, in an underground bunker? Clarke and – what was his name? – Finn found a bunker back when we first landed. But it didn’t have any food.”</p><p>“It would need a hydrofarm. And air scrubbers. It would have to be as well-equipped as Mount Weather.”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Hey…speaking of our hydrofarm,” Jackson begins. “Kara Cooper this morning….”</p><p>Miller shakes his head. “I’m not worried about her. She’s angry. That’s fine. Everyone here is angry or sad.”</p><p>Jackson nods and continues to hold Miller’s hand tightly. The world outside burns.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy stands at the table. Clarke, Kane, Jaha, and Abby are there as well. The conference room windows show them clearly what’s happening, and the deathwave starts to rock the Ark.</p><p>“Do we need to check on anything from an engineering perspective?” Kane asks quietly. The conference room is bathed in eerie, ugly orange light from the deathwave.</p><p>“Raven and I have gone over everything countless times,” Jaha answers, glancing down at his tablet. “This…rocking is normal. In fact it’s a bit less intense than we expected.”</p><p>Bellamy observes them talking about engineering. Clarke and Raven have shared some of the discussions that have already taken place. Jaha has apparently been told, more than once, that Raven works best with minimal oversight and that he needs to ensure he doesn’t breathe down her neck. Bellamy hopes – both for Raven’s sake and Jaha’s – that Jaha follows that directive. Raven has already said she’d trade 100 Jahas for one Sinclair, and Bellamy has to bite his lip when he think of the look on her face as she said it.</p><p>Another wave rocks the Ark. Bellamy puts his arms around himself, giving himself a hug. He glances at Clarke. Abby has a hand on her back. Bellamy wishes he could hug Clarke or put a hand on her back or something. Her facial expression is stoic. Bellamy takes another breath and reminds himself once more that what Clarke said is best. Even a friendship right now is an emotional burden and an emotional risk. There just is no room inside their hearts. Clarke is wise and she is right. That needs to be the end of it, Bellamy reminds himself.</p><p>The meeting progresses. Jaha says he will check in with engineering right after this, but according to every reading on his tablet, the Ark is in a good place right now. The deathwave seems to be passing over and moving on now.</p><p>And the group has other items to cover. They discuss the people who aren’t guards, medics, engineers or farmers – the ones who got their spots largely due to their age. The leaders decide that each of them will be given a few choices about which profession they wish to learn – and then will start learning them. And everyone, no matter their profession or age, will continue to take shifts in areas such as food preparation and cleaning. The leaders agree that it’s important that they themselves continue to be seen doing janitorial and cooking work so the people know that they don’t consider themselves to be ‘above’ menial labor.</p><p>A man named Randall serves as head teacher. He has said that he could use some assistance in the classroom.</p><p>“I’d like to help with that,” Bellamy says. “I’d love to teach.” He looks at Kane. “And you and Costa have enough guards – you don’t need me on the guard full-time, do you?”</p><p>“No,” Kane says. “So that works for me, if you want Randall to mentor you as another teacher.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. He catches a glimpse of Clarke out of the corner of his eye. She looks….pleased, he thinks. He again tries to brush her out of his mind. He can’t be constantly thinking about her.</p><p>Even though that is exactly what he does. What he has always done since the day they first landed on this wretched planet.</p><p>Discussion turns to the hydrofarm and Kara Cooper. “I recommend we leave her in her quarters until tomorrow morning,” Abby says. “She needs to cool down. We’ll bring dinner to her room at 1700 hours, of course.”</p><p>Clarke nods. “I just spoke to Ben. He knows the hydrofarm almost as well as Kara. He can keep it under control.” She pauses. “It will be good to start training others on it too, in case Kara is this difficult in the long-term. And in case something happens to Ben.” She then adds, “Monty left notes about starting an algae farm. They’re pretty detailed. I’d like Ben to start looking into that as well. It would be good to have a back-up.”</p><p>The meeting winds down. Bellamy can’t help but to take one more glance at Clarke as the group dissolves. She’s glancing at him too, but he quickly looks away.</p><p>***</p><p>The day continues on and then dinnertime approaches. The group reassembles in the mess hall at 1700 hours to eat. Clarke had suggested that they do a daily movie night, and it’s decided that movie night will take place after dinner. Most everyone has seen all of the movies on the Ark repeatedly, but that doesn’t matter so much. It has been a brutal, terrible day even for a group of people who have all suffered multiple losses before. The movie is a welcome distraction. The computer is set up, windows are closed, and chairs are turned to face the wall.</p><p>***</p><p>“It was a weird experience. I’ve never seen <strong>any</strong> of the movies. But Bellamy described each and every one to me.” Octavia pauses. “He did a good job. I knew exactly what was going to happen.”</p><p>Octavia is now doing what Bellamy used to do for her. She’s sitting with Niylah, describing the evening’s movie in full detail.</p><p>“You never saw any of them? Not even after the Mountain was freed?” Niylah asks. She remembers that Skaikru had a few months of peace after the Mountain, before they foolishly decided to elect Pike.</p><p>“Never did,” Octavia says. “Lincoln and I spent our time outdoors, riding horses, training, that sort of thing. And, well, having sex,” she adds, with a small laugh. “Movies weren’t high on our list.”</p><p>When Octavia is done giving the full recap of the movie, Niylah asks her about the rest of her day. Octavia goes on to describe it in detail. She remembers how hearing about Bellamy’s day used to be one of the things she absolutely lived for during her years under the floor. (Her mother never had too much to say about her day, and from a young age Octavia could clearly see that Aurora wasn’t happy and didn’t do too much that she was proud of. It was Bellamy who had the good stories at the end of the day, Bellamy who took the time to make his life sound interesting).</p><p>Octavia tells Niylah about spending a few hours doing combat drills after breakfast. “I gotta go easy on them,” she says. “I can take any of them out in a second or two.”</p><p>“You should be running that guard, not Costa,” Niylah comments.</p><p>Octavia ignores the comment. She goes on to say how she sat through some sort of presentation in the hydrofarm, led by the farmer Ben. He led a small group as they reviewed some notes from Monty and began plans to build an algae farm. Niylah continues to hang on her every word with rapt attention, so Octavia again doesn’t spare any details. Niylah shares that she’s eaten algae before, having traded for it. “It needs oil and salt – and to be dried - in order to be….palatable,” Niylah adds. “Otherwise it’s just slimy and gross. I wouldn’t eat it without oil and salt unless I was truly, truly desperate.”</p><p>After they’ve been talking for hours, both women start to feel the fatigue and agree to call it a day. Just to be safe, they agree that Niylah will sleep “in the hiding hole” rather than the main room.</p><p>Just as Octavia finishes replacing the floor component, there’s a knock on her door.</p><p>“Who is it?” she calls out by the door. She has no intention of opening it even though Niylah’s hiding place is secure now.</p><p>“Just me,” Bellamy says. “Just wanted to wish you goodnight.”</p><p>“Yeah. You too, big brother,” Octavia says through the door.</p><p>She hopes he doesn’t make this a daily habit. She wants Niylah to be able to be out of the hole as often as possible. There’s enough room down there to stretch and do some exercises, but Niylah also needs to do things like walk, even if it’s just pacing around the room.</p><p>Octavia knows this all too well.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy leaves Octavia’s room – or more accurately, the hallway outside her room – and walks towards his own. He walks several paces and, so far, only passes one person on the way. No surprise there, he thinks. This is the lowest number of people to ever live inside the Ark, and he should get used to seeing most corridors empty.</p><p>He comes upon one of the large windows with the attached window seat. He and Clarke sat on one…how many hours ago? He had been about to share his feelings for her before they got interrupted. They’d talked about how these window seats were some of the only peaceful places on the Ark. Bellamy’s not sure how peaceful he will view them as ever again.</p><p>
  <em>No. Clarke was right. We have to shut our hearts off and just exist now. Anything else means heartbreak.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just have to figure out how to see her at every meal, sit in a daily meeting with her, train with her, and sit near her at a daily movie while keeping my heart numb.</em>
</p><p>Bellamy reminds himself that he had a good session with Randall the teacher today. Although he, of course, continued to think of his love for Clarke, he mostly was able to focus on his teacher training. He sat in during most of the kids’ lessons and concentrated best he could, observing Randall. The thought of someday co-teaching or even having his own classroom gives him something to look forward to.</p><p><em>So that’s what I need,</em> Bellamy thinks. <em>Good distractions like that. Other things to think about.</em></p><p>“Goodnight, Bellamy.”</p><p>Bellamy is startled. He sees Bree walking up to him, smiling. Her gait is slow, and eyes seem to gleam a bit.</p><p>“Bree. Uh, yes. Goodnight.”</p><p>“See you in the morning,” Bree adds, with another enticing smile. Bellamy watches her saunter away.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Author’s Note: I’m sorry that this chapter is a lot shorter than Chapter One. Chapter One was long because I wanted to set the stage, but I expect that future chapters will be more like the length of this one. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Three</strong>
</p><p>The next morning, Jackson resumes doing what he’d been doing the evening before: talking with Miller about the movie.</p><p>“Now come on, Jacks. The movie wasn’t <strong>that</strong> good,” Miller laughs.</p><p>“I guess not,” Jackson admits. “It’s just that I’d never seen it before.”</p><p>“Wait, what? I thought every person who lived on the Ark saw every movie. More than once. I know I sure have,” Miller adds, wryly.</p><p>Jackson smiles and tilts his head. “From the time I was thirteen, I spent most of my days training with Abby. She pulled me out of all of my classes except math and science, and the rest of my waking hours were in med bay. I didn’t do a whole lot of….fun things.”</p><p>Miller sobers up and looks as if he’s about to apologize, so Jackson quickly adds, “No, no, I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me! Just wanted to explain why the movie…drew me in so much. It was only because I’m not used to watching anything on screens except….videos of how to perform surgeries.”</p><p>“I get it, I totally get it,” Miller says. He then turns towards Jackson and places a hand on his thigh. “Just as long as you’re not more into that movie than me.”</p><p>Jackson returns Miller’s mischievous facial expression and pulls him closer for a kiss. “Absolutely not.”</p><p>***</p><p>The first breakfast after Praimfaya goes much as the previous day’s breakfast. It’s quiet and subdued, and at times one could hear a fork drop. Kara Cooper has been released and her facial expression can only be described as pure vinegar, but she’s silent.</p><p>“Where are you off to next?” Miller asks Bellamy, once people start clearing out.</p><p>“Leadership meeting,” Bellamy answers.</p><p>“Oh, that’s right. Every morning after breakfast. Hey…you wanna just talk sometime?” Miller asks. “I’m off duty till the evening.”</p><p>“Sure. I’ll come find you after the meeting. I can take a break before I go observe Randall in the classroom.”</p><p>“I’ll probably be in the library. Or the gym – getting my ass kicked by your sister.”</p><p>They laugh at that and, indeed, a few hours later Bellamy does seek out Miller. He’s in the library, as expected.</p><p>As Bellamy walks up to them, he reflects for a bit. He and Miller have always been close, since the dropship landed. Then The List happened, the list which haunted him since the day they were forced to create it and still haunts him today. Bellamy had registered that Miller wasn’t on it, just as Monty, Jasper, Harper, and Murphy weren’t on it either. The only way Bellamy could make it through each day was by reminding himself that Octavia and Clarke were on the list, taking comfort in that fact and trying to block all others.</p><p>So now it’s almost weird that Miller is here. Bellamy feels a mix of relief and happiness that Miller’s alive, but it’s overwhelmed by shame over the fact that he’d been about to die. Strange times and strange combinations of emotions.</p><p>He wishes he knew why Miller approached him earlier, but whatever the case, he’s not going to ignore it. If Miller is angry over the fact that he originally wasn’t on the list, that’s fine, Bellamy tells himself. Now that Miller is here, Bellamy wants this friendship to work, even if it means letting Miller unleash some fury.</p><p>So Bellamy braces himself, these thoughts circulating through his head, as he approaches Miller in the library.</p><p>“Hey,” Bellamy says.</p><p>“Hey,” Miller returns the greeting, setting down the tablet he was reading.</p><p>Bellamy breathes a sigh of relief. If Miller is angry, he sure doesn’t look it. In fact, he looks much the same as he always does. Bellamy sits down next to Miller. The library right now, just as most of the Ark, is practically deserted. A few others are around but out of earshot.</p><p>They chat for a bit, Bellamy asking Miller what he’s reading. Miller doesn’t have a lot of interest in ancient mythology despite Bellamy’s attempts to get him to check it out. Instead he’s reading an anthology of ghost stories, which Bellamy can’t believe survived the first apocalypse.</p><p>“Just wanted to see how you’re doing,” Miller says. “I was gonna say you looked a bit…off.” He then adds, a harrowed look on his face combined with a hint of his trademark sarcasm, “But everyone’s a bit off, what with the whole human race having just been destroyed and all that.”</p><p>Bellamy looks down and forces a smile at Miller’s humor. “Yeah,” he admits. “But, uh, look….how are you? Do we need to talk about…?”</p><p>“The stockade? My dad? The whole everybody-getting-gassed incident? No. Not now anyway,” Miller says. “There weren’t any good choices. And I don’t envy you guys - you couldn’t give me enough food or booze to be one of Skaikru’s leaders. Let’s leave it at that.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Bellamy says. He guesses his features make his relief clear. He wasn’t exactly expecting Miller to start yelling at him or crying, but he’s relieved at Miller’s words nonetheless.</p><p>“I-it’s you I was worried about. You look kinda out of sorts.” Miller’s voice carries a sincerity and gentleness that Bellamy has seen glimpses of before from Miller, but not often.</p><p>Bellamy looks down and takes a breath. “I guess…same as you. A lot happened. A lot to deal with. So it’s hard.”</p><p>“Yeah. But you and Clarke. You two used to always look so….I don’t know, on the same page. But at every meal since yesterday morning? I dunno, it was like you were each <strong>trying</strong> to not look at each other.” He pauses. “I just felt something was off there.”</p><p>Bellamy is silent for a beat or two. He doesn’t talk about his feelings for Clarke, not with anyone. And right now, he just can’t. Even Miller’s bringing them up right now causes a fresh barrage of pain. <em>She’s right, she’s right, she’s right</em>, Bellamy reminds himself. <em>We can’t feel now. Clarke said what she said and did what she did for a reason. We can’t open ourselves up like that.</em></p><p>“It’s….complicated,” Bellamy admits. “But Clarke and I are friends, same as always.” He thinks this is the best place to leave it at. “I’m okay,” he adds, forcing out a smile.</p><p>“Okay. Just wanted to be sure.” He looks away for a second and adds, “I’m here if you ever need to talk.”</p><p>“Thanks. And hey….you and Jackson. Glad to see you two doing good.” Bellamy is glad to change the topic.</p><p>Miller smiles expansively at the mention of Jackson. “This is a very weird time to start a relationship. But…it feels right. I’m all in. Not just because I don’t have too many options,” he says with a laugh. He then resumes looking more serious as he adds, “I really have feelings for the guy.”</p><p>“Good. He’s lucky to have you.” Bellamy remembers that Miller’s ex Bryan perished a couple months ago in the black rain, after he and Miller had split up. Jackson is certainly quite a bit different than Bryan in everything from temperament to maturity, from what Bellamy can see. But he and Miller seem to just fit. He fleetingly thinks that with Miller having now lost his father, maybe dating an older guy who is more mature works for him from that standpoint too.</p><p>When Bellamy gets up to leave the library, he’s touched that Miller noticed something was off and reached out. But it also makes it clear that he’s doing a terrible job suppressing his feelings. He wonders if the whole of Skaikru knows the real situation.</p><p>***</p><p>“So what’s the plan for five years from now? Skaikru can just open the doors and walk out? Or can they?”</p><p>Niylah asks the question to Octavia. It’s a few hours before dinnertime, and Octavia has been assigned to kitchen duty for the dinner meal today. But she still has some free time before she has to get to work. She has completed her daily combat training.</p><p>“From what I hear,” Octavia begins, “the whole planet’s gonna still be a desert wasteland. Like what we see out the window right now. The only difference is that the air should be breathable again.”</p><p>“So we’ll still need the hydrofarm,” Niylah says.</p><p>Octavia shrugs. “Kara and Ben are working on something that’s supposed to regenerate the soil. But it’s untested. And even if it works, it doesn’t sound like it’ll be instant. We’ll still be pretty tied to the Ark and its farm.”</p><p>The two women are quiet for a bit. So even when the five years are over, Niylah can’t exactly pop out of her hole, leave the Ark, ride away on a horse and go raise chickens. She will still be dependent on Skaikru – and quite possibly on hiding. Niylah shuts her eyes. She’d been resolved to take all of this one day at a time, since thinking of the future right now only drives one mad.</p><p>“Come on,” Octavia says, getting to her feet. “Let’s practice again. One more round.”</p><p>“Okay,” Niylah says.</p><p>They start another combat drill. As long as they are careful not to shout or slam any furniture around, they are able to spar. Niylah knows she needs the movement and the exercise, and she’s glad to have a sparring partner.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>It just hurts. That’s where Bellamy is at right now, on Day Three post-Praimfaya. <em>It just hurts.</em></p><p>He sees Clarke at both meals each day, sitting at the same table no less. He sees Clarke at the daily leadership meeting. He sees Clarke at the movie each evening. And considering that only 100 people live inside this huge Ark, it’s odd how he just keeps running into her at other places too. In the library. In the gym. In the hydrofarm. Once she even joins him in observing one of Randall’s classes. And to top it off, tomorrow they’re scheduled on cleaning duty together!</p><p>He is definitely going to ask Miller to switch cleaning shifts with him. At least that last one he has some control over.</p><p>
  <em>You told yourself you were doing fine. That you could just turn your heart off and just accept being Clarke’s friend – and friend only. So why can’t you do it?</em>
</p><p>Bellamy wonders if talking with another person would help him a bit. But the problem is that the person he’s used to fixing problems with is Clarke herself. This isn’t the kind of thing he normally discusses with his sister or with Raven. Kane has been a solid father-figure to him, but Kane is too close to Abby – and Bellamy just can’t imagine discussing this with him. Miller did approach him a couple days ago, and Bellamy debates whether or not to tell him everything.</p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>One week after Praimfaya, it’s time for the Memorial Service. There has been lots of discussion, both within the small leadership team and within all 100, as to when to hold the service. (And the leadership team of Clarke, Kane, Jaha, Abby, and Bellamy has been officially renamed The Council). In the end, it’s agreed that they could wait another week or another month or another year but there will never be a perfect time. They decide to go forward with the memorial.</p><p>On the morning of the service, Bellamy silently decides to use this time to metaphorically bury his feelings for Clarke too.</p><p>
  <em>I have to. I can’t go on feeling this way. This is my chance to just say goodbye to all of that.</em>
</p><p>He decides to knock on Octavia’s door on the way to the service, to see if she wants to walk with him.</p><p>“Hey, O,” he calls out after knocking. “You ready to head over?”</p><p>“Go on ahead, I’ll catch up,” she calls back.</p><p>As Bellamy walks on, he can’t help but to think how annoyed Octavia has sounded every time he’s knocked on her door. Once she even yelled back, ‘Go away, I’m masturbating!’ to which he could only reply, ‘Okay, didn’t need to know that!’ Well, he reminds himself to let her have her emotions and if she’s annoyed in general, then she’s annoyed.<em> Maybe I should back off a bit and let her come to me instead. She’s telling me she wants some space and I should give it.</em></p><p>The Council has decided to hold the memorial in a different setting than usual, to take it out of the ordinary mess hall where meals and the daily movie take place. There is a conference room inside the Ark that fits 100, and that’s where the memorial is to be held today. Bellamy’s thoughts continue to churn as he takes a seat near the front, next to Miller.</p><p>
  <em>So I’m burying my feelings for Clarke today, and also reminding myself that O looks like she needs some space. Raven looks pissed most of the time lately too – can’t blame her, with Jaha apparently unable to stay out of engineering. But there’s Miller. He’s always even-keeled and always down for hanging out. Maybe I just need to spend more time with him.</em>
</p><p>The group is called to order. Kane and Clarke will each speak, and then open it up to anyone else who’d like to say a few words. Bellamy turns his head and looks around the room. The Council had expected that not everyone would attend, but as far as Bellamy can tell, it looks like most people are here. They are quiet and somber, as most have been all during the past week.</p><p>Bellamy is well-read and can put together a few good sentences himself, but he hasn’t envied either Clarke or Kane for their speaking roles. He knows both have agonized over their speeches all week, and he can’t blame them. What truly is there to say? <em>We’re sorry we couldn’t stop the nuclear meltdown? We’re sorry the people who came before us didn’t take care of our planet, and we’re sorry that we only had enough supplies to save 100 of us?</em></p><p>As first Kane and then Clarke speak, Bellamy listens more carefully today than he did to Kane’s speech a week ago as the deathwave began to hit. Although neither Kane nor Clarke is saying anything particularly profound, their words make sense. They talk of death and grieving and things that can be controlled and things that cannot. Clarke reads a poem that a young boy, Ethan Hardy, wrote and asked her to read as he insisted he was too shy.</p><p>Anyone who has a trinket or something that reminds them of a lost one are invited to bring it up front and place it on a tray. The tray is ancient, pre-Apocalypse, and it’s beautiful, Bellamy notes. It’s made of wood and it has intricate carvings. One person gets up to speak and says that with the Council’s approval, she plans to turn one wall of this room into a memorial for their lost ones. It will bear their names, woven into a pastoral setting that she plans to paint.</p><p>A handful of others also take Kane and Clarke up on their offer to get up and speak. As they do, Bellamy sometimes looks around the room. Jackson sits on Miller’s other side, and Bellamy notes they are holding hands. So are Kane and Abby, now that Kane has sat back down. There are several other couples on the Ark too. Bellamy has to simply force his mind to shut off thoughts of how much he’d like to be holding Clarke’s hand, how fitting it would be if they could be at each other’s sides like that. His thoughts continue to spiral. <em>Why wouldn’t Clarke want what these couples have? Does she think I’m a monster?</em></p><p>Bellamy reminds himself to focus on why they are here today. But that provides small solace. He has seen death many times before but when he closes his eyes, he often sees Monty and Harper’s bodies inside the stockade’s airlock. He carried Jasper’s unconscious body onto one of the carts bound for the stockade. Bellamy has been dealt other losses, but these ones still sting, still wake him up during the night. His breath catches. He’s known for a while that today he’s not going to get up and speak about them. He can’t. But he has written notes to all three of them.</p><p>After everyone who wishes to speak or place an item on the tray has done so, Kane quietly concludes the service. The group recites the prayer together, and the service is over.</p><p>Bellamy’s not quite ready to leave yet, he’s heavy with grief, so he remains sitting next to Miller. Miller doesn’t seem eager to go either.</p><p>“You-you didn’t want to get up and speak?” he asks Miller gently.</p><p>Miller smiles wistfully and pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. “I wrote something,” he says, looking down at the paper. “But I get choked up every time I start to read it.” Jackson puts an arm around Miller as Miller continues, “I figured dad would understand.” He sniffs back what might’ve been a tear or two.</p><p>“He would.”</p><p>“What about you?” Miller asks.</p><p>Bellamy answers him, letting him know he preferred to keep his written tributes to himself.</p><p>Bellamy sits quietly with Miller and Jackson for a little while longer. He sees Kara Cooper file out of the room. She didn’t speak during the service, just sat there looking the same she has all week – venomous.</p><p>***</p><p>It happens a few hours after the Memorial.</p><p>Bellamy walks with Randall to the school. Randall had told Bellamy beforehand that today’s lesson, both for the teens and the younger kids, was going to involve helping them mentally process the memorial and their feelings. Randall guides it well, using Ethan’s poem (with Ethan’s permission) as a springboard to helping the other students find ways to express themselves. Some are doing it through drawing or writing, and several decide to get up and share their feelings with the group. It’s a bit easier to do that in this smaller classroom setting instead of with all of Skaikru.</p><p>Bellamy has to admit he’s relieved when the abbreviated class is over. It’s been a lot to carry emotionally, for everyone. He is done for the day, mentally and emotionally exhausted. Drained. He has to remind himself that for him personally, today was also about burying his feelings for Clarke during the memorial.</p><p>Randall ends the class by encouraging the kids to either make use of the gym or speak to him or another adult. Bellamy, too, lets the students know that he is there for them.</p><p>But the only person who comes up to him when school’s out is not one of the students. It’s Bree.</p><p>“Just wondered if I could keep you company. Feeling kinda lonely right now.”</p><p>Bellamy looks at Bree. Her intent is clear, her body language and the look on her face leaving no doubt. She’s been giving him similar signals for the past several days, and he’s been ignoring them. And he certainly knows her body language and signals well enough given their time together in the dropship camp.</p><p>Bellamy is not going to turn down her offer. Clarke has made it clear that they can never be more than friends, and Bellamy needs some balm for his aching heart. At the very least, he needs a distraction. Their hookups in the past served as very pleasurable distractions.</p><p>He takes Bree’s hand and they go off to her room.</p><p>***</p><p>Music is another source of comfort and distraction on the Ark. In addition to the songs and recordings that survived the Apocalypse, the music gleaned from Mount Weather has been added to Skaikru’s musical library.</p><p>Niylah notes that Octavia makes it a habit to put music on when they are inside their room together. Although they are confident that no one in the hallway outside can hear them unless they decide to start screaming or throwing furniture, somehow just having music on gives Niylah a feeling of comfort.</p><p>“If you had asked me a few months ago if I’d ever want to listen to music that came from the Mountain Men, I’d have said ‘never’,” Niylah murmurs.</p><p>“I can shut it off, if you want,” Octavia says quickly, leaning forward towards the device.</p><p>“No, no,” Niylah says insistently. “The music’s….good. It’s nice to hear something new.”</p><p>“Okay, good.” Octavia looks down. “But, uh, I should’ve realized that music that used to belong to the Mountain Men isn’t exactly something you’d love though.”</p><p>Niylah shrugs. “Like I said, I changed my mind about it. Music is music. Even if it was owned by people who did terrible things to my own people.” She smiles. “This song has a nice beat. And a hypnotizing melody. Almost makes me want to dance.”</p><p>Octavia’s eyes grow wide. “In all my time with Lincoln and Indra…I never saw grounders dance.”</p><p>“Oh, but we can,” Niylah says. She stands up from her chair and begins to sway a bit. “You’ve heard us sing. We can dance too.”</p><p>“I’ve heard the singing,” Octavia says, her voice tentative as she watches Niylah.</p><p>Niylah begins to dance without self-consciousness. It feels good to just move. During her life on the ground, she moved all the time – walking, running, combat training, climbing trees. Inside Octavia’s room, her only exercise is combat training with Octavia and things like pushups or just pacing around the space. But the room itself only allows about seven steps before she has to turn around and pace back the other way. Her body is screaming at her that she needs this dancing outlet right now – and when she glances at Octavia, the younger woman seems to understand it.</p><p>Niylah continues to dance. A slower song comes on, and it’s one Niylah likes as well, so she modifies her movements to slow them down a bit. She’s not self-conscious. Niylah has always had a quiet inner confidence, and she’s always known that there are many things she does well. The music continues its stirring, melodic pattern.</p><p>“I’m still surprised to hear that Lincoln never danced with you,” Niylah says gently, softly. And she is genuinely surprised if that is the case, because she knows that Trikru lovers often used to dance together. In private.</p><p>But she regrets the words instantly as Octavia gets to her feet. Her face is blank but it looks like it might crumble. Clearly Octavia isn’t ready to talk about Lincoln, and Niylah knows she has pushed her too far.</p><p>“I gotta go,” Octavia says.</p><p>Niylah stammers out an apology, Octavia tells her there’s nothing to be sorry for and adds that she just needs to take a walk and that Niylah should keep dancing if she wants to.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Ever since Octavia left the room, Niylah been debating whether or not to apologize and with how much intensity to do so. Octavia has signaled that she doesn’t want to see strong emotions. She clearly hasn’t wanted to hear any more “thank yous” from Niylah. Sitting inside her hiding spot, Niylah starts to feel despair and fear for the first time since Octavia found her. <em>I’ve upset the person whom I depend on for my very survival. And I don’t know how to fix it.</em></p><p>Octavia returns to their room a few hours after leaving. As soon as the door closes, Niylah moves the floor component aside and pokes her head up.</p><p>“Hi,” Octavia says. She’s already squatting down near the entrance to the hiding spot.</p><p>“Hey,” Niylah says, adopting the informal greeting she heard Skaikru use many times, before she went into hiding.</p><p>“Sorry,” Octavia says straightforwardly. “I get emotional when it comes to Lincoln. Probably gonna be that way for a while.”</p><p>Niylah opens her mouth a bit but Octavia waves her hand. “Don’t apologize. Just…don’t take it personally if sometimes I gotta just….get up and go or something like that when I think about him.”</p><p>Niylah nods. “I understand.”</p><p>“You’ve lost people too. You don’t get to just take off when you’re upset. I’m sorry that you’re stuck in here all day.”</p><p>“Sorry? Octavia, I’d be dead if it weren’t for you.” Niylah winces slightly after the words are out. Octavia doesn’t seem to enjoy, as Niylah reminds herself, strong displays of potentially sappy language.</p><p>But Octavia is smiling. “Okay,” she says. “Let’s make a deal. No more sorrys or thank yous. From either one of us. We’re just two women stuck here and trying to stay alive.”</p><p>“I like that,” Niylah says with a smile. “No more apologizing or thanking. Just two women trying to survive.”</p><p>Octavia nods and glances back at the music player on her desk. “How ‘bout I put some music back on?”</p><p>“Yes,” Niylah says. She then adds, again because it’s something she’s heard Skaikru say, “That works for me.” The entrancing rhythm of the music begins to work its magic.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“Well, you’re a man with a mission. I’m glad to see it.”</p><p>Miller makes the comment to Jackson a few mornings later, as they are getting ready for breakfast.</p><p>Jackson smiles. “I needed something to do, and I am glad to have… a mission, as you put it.”</p><p>With Skaikru’s population down to 100, most of whom are young and healthy, neither Jackson nor Abby has had much to do in med bay. As much as Jackson loves catching up on the journals, he feels the need to be actually healing people. Yesterday one of the engineers came in . One of the older ones, she had strained her back. After giving her a pain reliever, Jackson added that a medical massage might help her even more. It did. She said it left her feeling better than ever. Jackson told her that almost anyone could benefit from medical massage – and that anyone is welcome to take advantage of it now. So Jackson is busy once more, working out cricks in people’s necks, easing backaches, working with muscles and connective tissue to coax it into relaxation.</p><p>“You’re gonna need a sign-up sheet pretty soon.”</p><p>“That would be good. I’m used to being busy.”</p><p>“Well,” Miller says, taking a step closer to Jackson. “I like what your hands do.”</p><p>Jackson raises his eyebrows. “Just my hands?” he teases.</p><p>“Not just your hands,” Miller clarifies with a grin as he touches a hand to Jackson’s back and pulls him close.</p><p>“We’re gonna be late for breakfast,” Jackson warns as Miller guides him into a kiss.</p><p>“Too bad.”</p><p>***</p><p>It becomes a regular thing, with Bree. Sometimes they use Bree’s room, sometimes Bellamy’s. Bellamy prefers when they use his room, only because Bree’s room is kind of a mess. (He’s not sure how a group of people with so few personal possessions can spawn someone who is so untidy, but Bree has clothes, shoes, and other trinkets from Mount Weather simply strewn about her room. One of them is a painting that should be hanging on the wall but is not. Bellamy has to dodge items as he walks the steps to her bed).</p><p>They never spend the night together. When the sex is over, whoever is the guest gets up and returns to their own room.</p><p>Bellamy is always relieved when that happens. The sex is good, it serves a need, it scratches that itch, it provides a distraction. But he hates kissing her. That part of it is truly a chore.</p><p>Days turn into weeks. The two of them hook up fairly often, though not every day. They don’t sit together at meals or movies; Bellamy continues to sit with the same group he has sat with since Praimfaya. Pretty much all of Skaikru tends to sit in the same place each day. Maybe after all the chaos they’ve experienced, people like having a pattern for something.</p><p>Bellamy knows that gossip is like water here, and he understands it. Everyone has their tasks and duties, but entertainment options are limited apart from the movies everyone has seen before and the music everyone has heard before. Although he hears that a group of people is talking about scripting a play in their spare time, he still hears plenty of gossip here and there. Sometimes it’s people talking during their janitorial shifts (shifts which bring back decidedly unpleasant memories for Bellamy), other times it’s talk on the sidelines of the gym or as people line up for meals. No one has said anything about Bree to him yet, and he doesn’t know if others discuss it or not. He has been spotted once or twice leaving her room, and he images the reverse has happened too.</p><p>
  <em>I don’t care. If they talk, they talk. Hookups happen, and Bree and I aren’t the only ones.</em>
</p><p>But a small voice nags at him, reminding him that he <strong>does</strong> care about what one person in particular thinks.</p><p>They haven’t spoken much the past couple of weeks. As usual, they see each other multiple times during the day. Bellamy doesn’t avoid Clarke, and she doesn’t seem to be avoiding him either. But they’re not really talking either, and the absence rips at Bellamy’s heart. He needs to just…converse with her about something other than kitchen schedules or engineering status updates.</p><p>He shakes his head. Most of their time on earth has been spent trying to stay alive. Then she was gone for three months and he spent most of his time trying to find her. When she finally came back, they worked together. It wasn’t always seamless or harmonious but they were such a strong team. But now here they are, settling into this new life inside the Ark where the days are steady. And where Clarke has said she can’t afford an emotional commitment. That has left them in some strange limbo right now.</p><p>Bellamy wonders if there is any chance Clarke finds it as dissatisfying as he does.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <strong>TO BE CONTINUED!</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Four</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, wait….he said what??”</p><p>Miller is inside med bay with Jackson. There are no patients and Abby’s not around. Miller’s on duty and anytime his “rounds” bring him near med bay, he stops inside just to see Jackson. It’s been pretty calm inside the Ark in the five weeks since Praimfaya. The biggest fight was between two young students, but Bellamy and Randall broke it up.</p><p>“I was giving a medical massage to Aaron. Like I’ve been doing for anyone who wants one,” Jackson explains calmly. “He keeps asking me to go lower. I’m confused because I’m running out of room. Then he flips over and asks if I’d…touch his privates.”</p><p>“Oh hell no!” Miller says, his hands launching into the air.</p><p>“I told him that’s not what massage is for and he needs to get out of med bay,” Jackson says, his voice firm but also perhaps amused. “And to not come back for a massage ever again.”</p><p>Miller takes a breath. It’s just been a bad few days for him. He had thought he’d accepted his father’s death, but every time he closes his eyes lately, he’s been thinking of him. He hears his voice. He hasn’t wanted to or been able to cry over his loss. And he doesn’t talk about it because almost everyone here has lost both their parents and countless other loved ones. He hasn’t even mentioned it to Jackson because he knows Jackson has had it harder, having lost his mother back when he was only 13.</p><p>And everything has been upsetting Miller lately. This morning at breakfast, Jackson, Abby, and Clarke had a prolonged discussion on the subject of molecular biology, and Miller could only listen and feel frustration. He knows he should have paid better attention in school. He hates that he has no idea what they were discussing and absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation.</p><p>Lately Miller has just been filled with fury, and without an outlet. So he’s not thinking clearly when he hears the slight bit of amusement in Jackson’s voice and allows it to irritate him. And he’s not thinking clearly when he says, “Maybe these…medical massages were a bad idea. I mean, there’s always going to be someone who thinks it’s an invitation for more.”</p><p>Jackson stutters a bit. “I-I mean, I think most people understand that it’s not meant to be sexual. There are medical benefits to it.”</p><p>“Well maybe they just don’t get it,” Miller says, crossing his arms over his chest. “You could just stop doing it. I don’t even get why you did it in the first place.”</p><p>Jackson opens his mouth again but closes it. Miller doesn’t like the hurt look Jackson’s giving him. Perhaps it’s fortunate when Major Costa radios and says he needs Miller in the mess hall.</p><p>“That’s Major Costa,” Miller says to Jackson. “I gotta go.”</p><p>“Do we have time to talk before you go?” Jackson asks, taking a step closer to Miller and tilting his head. “You seem upset.”</p><p>“Later,” Miller barks, as he leaves the room.</p><p>
  <em>Major Costa. Just another reminder that my dad lost a spot here for this guy, who’s now my boss. And another reminder that no one questioned why my dad didn’t make the list instead – including Jackson because he worships the Griffin women for some reason!</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>“Well, that was stupid of me. I gotta make this right, don’t I?” Miller is sitting next to Bellamy inside the library. It’s as good a hang-out space as any, and Miller knows that Bellamy is often here during his spare time. He wryly notes that Bree is never here and he wonders if Bellamy goes here partially to get away from her.</p><p>Miller has arrived here after following Costa’s summons to de-escalate a shouting match between the two people working on dinner prep. The task has given him some time to reflect and he knows he made a mistake in med bay today. So he made his way to the library, hoping Bellamy would be there.</p><p>“Well, yeah, you do,” Bellamy says quietly. “But maybe first just figure out <em>why</em> you got so angry. Are you really jealous that someone…propositioned him? Or is there something else going on? Something else that you’re hurting over?”</p><p>Miller takes a breath and looks to the side. He doesn’t want to meet Bellamy’s eyes just yet.</p><p>“What’s the point of going through all that?” Miller finally asks. “Can’t change the past and can’t bring dead people back to life.”</p><p>“No,” Bellamy says insistently. “But we can face our pain. Instead of letting it simmer until we lash out at the worst times.”</p><p>Bellamy’s words irritate Miller as much as everything else has today. He scoffs. “Bellamy, come on, you’re not exactly the role-model when it comes to dealing with pain. Sleeping with Bree because you can’t have Cl-“</p><p>“It’s called friends with benefits,” Bellamy cuts in. “Not exactly a shocking concept. Who made you the sex police anyway?”</p><p>Miller is ready to lash out again before reason finally sinks in. He doesn’t want to get the two people who care about him the most completely ticked off. He knows full well how his dad would tell him to behave right now, and that this is not it.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’ve been in a shit mood all day,” Miller admits solemnly.</p><p>“It’s okay. We all have those days.” He pauses. “What do you think you need to do, about having snapped at Jackson today?”</p><p>“I need to go talk to him,” Miller says, with a slight groan, not masking the fact that he doesn’t look forward to it.</p><p>Bellamy smiles. “Just do it. You’ll feel better when you do. Talk to him about what’s been on your mind. I bet he’d like to know that.”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Miller looks down. “And, uh, sorry I sounded like the sex police a second ago. If it works for you and Bree, then it works.”</p><p>“Works well enough,” Bellamy says, sounding much more closed off than he did a second ago.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to be judgy. I’m one of those weird people who can’t just fuck someone without getting attached to him. Er – sorry, I said ‘fuck’.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Bellamy laughs. “I’m not the language police.”</p><p>***</p><p>Jackson is beyond relieved the next time he and Miller talk. He lets Miller stammer out the apology and doesn’t interrupt him.</p><p>“I’m a mess,” Miller is saying. “I think I miss my dad a lot more than I can handle right now, and I’m a total mess. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”</p><p>Jackson looks at Miller. His heart is overflowing with tenderness for the young man who has lost his father and who, Jackson believes, is truly doing the best he can.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize,” Jackson says softly. He takes a step closer to Miller and puts his hand on his shoulder. “And you have my full permission to…to be a total mess in front of me if you want. You’ve been through a lot.”</p><p>“But so have you!” Miller insists.</p><p>“That doesn’t make your pain any less valid,” Jackson says. He takes a breath and decides to say the words that he has been meaning to say for a little while now. “You’re a caring human being who has suffered a big loss. It’s okay if you need to vent or of you’re just not feeling good on any given day. I love you, Nate, and I accept you as you are.”</p><p>He has said the three words. He’s told Miller that he loves him. He’s been wanting to do it for a short while now, but hasn’t been sure when to say it. He’s never said these words to a boyfriend before. Jackson holds his breath and waits for a reaction.</p><p>The reaction is swift. Miller’s mouth opens slightly, and then he pulls Jackson in for a kiss.</p><p>***</p><p>It’s been five weeks since Bellamy has taken up with Bree. Training in the gym one afternoon after assisting Randall in the school, he asks himself if it has made him feel any better. He thinks that maybe it has. Hooking up with Bree has served as a necessary distraction. And he likes the fact that neither pretends to have feelings for the other. No entanglements. He doesn’t have to worry about passing Bree in the hallway and wishing he could hold her hand, as he does with Clarke. No glancing at Bree as they observe the algae farm and wishing she’d smile at him, as he does with Clarke.</p><p><em>Stop</em>.</p><p>And then he blinks as he sees a blonde woman enter the gym and it’s not Bree. It’s Clarke.</p><p>Nothing odd about that, Bellamy tells himself. People train here all the time and Clarke has been doing combat training regularly along with everyone else. In fact two days ago she beat both of her opponents, not that Bellamy was observing or anything.</p><p>Bellamy finishes up his match and decides to take a break. The fact that Clarke is standing on the sidelines and sometimes glancing sideways at him does not influence his decision to go on break, Bellamy tells himself. And then a moment later, Clarke is at his side.</p><p>“Hey. Can we talk somewhere in private?” she asks.</p><p>“Sure,” he says.</p><p>As they walk down the corridor towards her room, Bellamy hopes he’s not too sweaty and hopes his hair isn’t too messy. He debates running a hand through it and almost starts to make the gesture, but then puts his hand back down at his side. He and Clarke are both quiet during the walk, the walk which seems to go on forever. He knows his heart rate is higher than it should be. If Miller asked to speak with him in private, his heart wouldn’t be pulsing quite the way it is now.</p><p>At last they reach her room and enter it. Bellamy hasn’t been inside of it since their talk before Praimfaya. A few new drawings adorn the walls and he wishes he could study them – but now is not the time. Bellamy focuses his attention on Clarke.</p><p>“What’s on your mind?” he asks, hoping there’s a small chance his voice might sound casual.</p><p>“I’ve noticed something that I needed to bring up,” Clarke says, and Bellamy almost hates the way she sounds cold and factual, like when she’s delivering a report to the Council.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>Clarke takes a breath. “I’ve noticed that Octavia often takes her meals to her room. I know there’s no rule about that but – I’ve also seen her sometimes slip food into her jacket. A piece of jerky or a potato or pieces of dried apple. And – and I don’t care, but this morning I saw Jaha eyeing her as she did it.”</p><p>“Okay,” Bellamy says, fighting to keep his voice neutral and reminding himself he was a fool for hoping that this conversation might’ve been about something else entirely. “I mean, I don’t think it’s weird that she prefers to eat in her room. She’s told me that she usually just isn’t hungry in the mornings. She told me if she could pick her mealtimes, she’d make both of the meals a lot later in the day.”</p><p>“Which is fine, and I myself don’t care. But,” Clarke looks down for a second before meeting his eyes, “there’s something else. I just finished combing over engineering reports. There’s a blip on hers. Apparently the toilet in her room flushes more often than others on average. Not a lot more often, but a little bit more often.”</p><p>Bellamy is silent as he mulls this over. He recalls once during the past few weeks he saw her enter the restroom near the school. And come to think of it, another time he saw her exit the restroom near the gym. During one of her few visits to his room, before she left she unabashedly said, “Gotta pee all of a sudden,” and used his bathroom. He remembers feeling that was a bit…odd, especially considering her own room was just a five minute walk from his.</p><p>“I wonder if there’s…something wrong with her?” Bellamy speculates. “Something causing her to not be that hungry and to…need the bathroom a lot.”</p><p>“She has lost weight,” Clarke says. Her voice, Bellamy notes, is funny. The way she intoned that sentence seemed to hint that Bellamy should keep thinking, should go down a path.</p><p>“I can ask her to see your mom or Jackson.” He smiles, but it’s forced, “Neither one of them is that busy. In fact, I might ask Jackson to give me one of those medical massages,” he says, reaching a hand to rub at his neck.</p><p>“Could it be something else?” Clarke asks. Even though they are alone inside her room, she has dropped her voice to just above a whisper.</p><p>“Something else? Like what?” The words are out and Bellamy’s mind is whirling. His eyebrows shoot up. “What? You think she’s hiding someone?” He is whispering too now.</p><p>Clarke shrugs. “Think about it. Eating meals in her room and losing weight. Her toilet flushing a little more than average.”</p><p>“And,” he swallows, “she changed her room. Right around Praimfaya. She switched to our old room, which has that hiding spot.”</p><p>Clarke nods grimly. Looking at her, Bellamy can tell that she has already arrived at this conclusion.</p><p>“But…who?” he asks. “We-we accounted for everyone.” He starts to pace “We did a count before we….brought people to the stockade. We did another count after the guards did their sweep of the Ark. There definitely were 358 people in the stockade.” He takes a breath. “I know she and Jasper used to be sort of close.” He shakes his head and then looks down, as the terrible memories assault him once more. “But I remember carrying Jasper and putting him onto the cart myself.” He shudders.</p><p>As Bellamy continues to pace, Clarke is still. “Maybe a grounder? She was close to some of them.”</p><p>Bellamy blinks. “Like Indra?” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine she’d be happy living inside a room.”</p><p>“Grounders are survivors like we are.” She spreads her arms. “All of us have done things we didn’t want, to stay alive.” Clarke furrows her brow. “But it would’ve been hard for Indra to get in here. We guarded Arkadia so closely. I don’t know any grounder could’ve gotten in.”</p><p>Bellamy gasps just slightly, and Clarke meets his eyes at that exact moment. He can see the light bulb go off in her head at the same time as his.</p><p>“Niylah?” Bellamy whispers. “She did stay with us for a while.” He shakes his head. “I don’t really remember what happened with her. Did…did you say she wrote a letter and then left?”</p><p>Clarke nods. “A couple weeks before Praimfaya, I think. One day I found a letter from her saying she’d gone back to her people. And honestly, with so much going on then….well, it’s not like I could’ve gone after her. She wouldn’t have gotten one of our spots anyway. You remember how it was then.”</p><p>He does. He wants to take her hand and hold it. Being a leader during those agonizing days…..it was grueling. But it had seemed like it was bonding them too, until Clarke pulled away. Until it was too much for her. Bellamy forces himself to focus on the issue at hand.</p><p>“Okay,” he exhales. He is still whispering. “So there’s a chance that Octavia is hiding Niylah. So what do we do? You-you wouldn’t tell on them would you?”</p><p>“Absolutely not,” Clarke says firmly. “I only brought it up because I saw Jaha watching her slip food into her jacket this morning. And I’m sure Raven’s noticed the blip in her bathroom water usage.” She pauses. “So we need to figure out what to do to keep this a secret.”</p><p>Bellamy feels a few mental cobwebs clearing out. As worried as he is for Octavia, he has to note how good it feels to be discussing something with Clarke, and Clarke alone. Good to be her thought-partner again, for lack of another term. Something broken suddenly feels as if it’s starting to be mended.</p><p>The gears inside Bellamy’s mind continue to turn. “Do you remember…the night before Praimfaya? You and I were with Raven, just walking the halls because we couldn’t sleep. Your mom comes up to us…”</p><p>Clarke nods. “She asks Raven if the Ark could hold one more person. Jackson had…done something drastic to try to save Miller. And Raven says that sure, it could hold 101 or 102, but that we decided to draw the line at 100.”</p><p>Bellamy follows along. “So if they do get discovered….” He lets his voice trail off.</p><p>Clarke places a hand on his arm. The touch, even through their jackets, just feels so comforting and warm and even life-giving. He knows that none of Bree’s touches have ever, or will ever, feel like this. “You and I are two-fifths of the Council. And my mother’s on it. And Kane has been….very reasonable and fair. If Octavia and Niylah get discovered, I think we can make the argument that the human race is down to 100 people, and since we do have the ability to sustain one more, there is no reason to do anything drastic. To either Octavia or Niylah.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. Although he can’t consider his mind to be at-ease now, those facts do help him. He and Clarke continue to discuss their options and next steps. They consider whether or not to ask Octavia if their assumptions are true, and they decide not to do so yet. There’s no need to rock that boat at this point. They debate finding other ways to sneak food to Octavia – and thus to Niylah - but can’t find an easy solution. Food is guarded here more heavily than anything. (Bellamy does plan to occasionally say his stomach hurts and give some of his food to Octavia. He knows he probably can’t get away with it too often though, without raising eyebrows). They agree that they need to take Raven into their confidence so that she can bury or alter any report that flags the water usage in Octavia’s room. And they do discuss the possibility that their assumptions are all wrong and that Octavia is ill. They agree that Bellamy will just casually mention going to Abby or Jackson for a checkup and ask when Octavia plans to do the same.</p><p>They head to find Raven next. As worried as he is for his sister, Bellamy is proud of her too. She might have saved someone’s life.</p><p>And he loves being part of a team with Clarke once more.</p><p>***</p><p>Octavia has extra energy during her combat training today. Having been trained by Indra, she can take down pretty much any of the 100 other people living on the Ark so she has to be careful not to seriously wound anyone.</p><p>When the session is over, Octavia decides to just walk the halls of the Ark for a bit. Summarily beating her opponents today has helped her mental state immensely, because it has not been good the past few days.</p><p>Bellamy knows something is up. He made a point the other day of mentioning that he was going to get a check-up with either of the doctors. Octavia tried to word her reply as somewhere between encouraging but not enthusiastic. She herself doesn’t want a physical now, knowing that she has lost a few pounds off of her already-lean frame and she doesn’t want to have to answer the questions that will result from it.</p><p>And then there was the conversation at breakfast today.</p><p>“Taking your meal back to your room again today?” Jaha had asked. And of course he had to ask it at a point when conversation at their table had been at a lull. Bellamy, Clarke, Raven, Abby, Kane, Jackson, and Miller all seemed to hear the question.</p><p>Octavia had shrugged, not making eye contact. “I told you. It’s too early in the day for me to eat. I don’t get hungry till later.” She had paused, deciding that striking back might be the best tactic. “And you’re not my mother. You floated her, remember?”</p><p>The table remained very quiet upon hearing those words. Jaha answered, after a few beats, with something noncommittal like, ‘Just wanted to express my concern, that’s all.’ And then Bellamy had jumped in with a clearly-forced question about yesterday’s movie. Clarke had answered, with just a measure more enthusiasm than the movie deserved, and even Raven joined in their discussion.</p><p>Octavia continues to walk now, continues to think. She knows Bellamy too well. He suspects something. She takes a breath.</p><p>
  <em>There’s not much I can do. I don’t have any other way to get more food to Niylah. The kitchen and the food supplies are guarded 24/7, always by more than one guard. And everyone who works a kitchen shift is patted down at the end.</em>
</p><p>Her thoughts continue to spin.</p><p>
  <em>What’s the play here if I have to go to the worst-case scenario, if Niylah is discovered? I can take down any guard, pretty much. I could break into where the knock-out gas is stored – if there even is any left. Find a way to get it into the air scrubbers, knock out everyone and restrain them till they agree to let Niylah live. I probably should find out if there is more gas for starters.</em>
</p><p>She takes another breath. It’s drastic and it’s a last-resort only. But Niylah is the last grounder left and Octavia is not going to let anything happen to her.</p><p>By the time she reaches her room, Octavia feels much better. The door slides shut, Niylah emerges from the hiding spot, Octavia puts music on, and they talk. This is their usual pattern once Octavia returns to the room.</p><p>And they never run out of things to talk about. Whether it’s Octavia’s recap of yesterday’s movie or a story from Niylah’s childhood, each one always wants to hear what the other has to say. Octavia knows she has generations’ worth of grounder lore and Trikru lore specifically to catch up on, and Niylah is a wealth of knowledge. Through her family’s old trading post, Niylah has interacted with so many different people and different clans that she never runs out of stories.</p><p>Today she is dancing. Octavia is still not interested in joining her, but she’s taken a shine to watching Niylah dance. Sometimes Octavia just loses herself in watching Niylah dance.</p><p><em>She’s a lot like Lincoln,</em> Octavia thinks. Maybe that’s an odd thought to have, comparing the tall, muscular warrior to the lithe, pale woman dancing before her. And yet. Both of them have such a gentleness to them, a gentleness coated with iron. A quiet inner strength.</p><p>Niylah continues to dance and Octavia’s thoughts start to dance with her. Once her mind compared Niylah and Lincoln, she is continuing to ride away with that comparison. She starts to wonder if Niylah kisses the way Lincoln did. She starts to wonder whether it would feel strange or feel good to hold someone in her arms, someone who is soft and sweet-smelling, someone less muscular, less…large.</p><p><em>Stop</em>! Octavia tells herself firmly. <em>You can’t have those thoughts about Niylah. Her life depends on me. So even if I wanted to…touch her and kiss her and do more…I can’t. She can’t give any sort of meaningful consent in this situation. And that’s even if she wanted me, which she doesn’t. So just stop.</em></p><p>When Niylah is finished dancing, Octavia searches for something neutral, something to get her mind off of where her thoughts just went. “So, uh,” she begins. “The algae farm is doing well. Ben gave me another lesson on it this morning.”</p><p>That’s it. Octavia forces her brain to focus on algae. Instead of the delicious and terrifying places it had been a minute ago.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Five</strong>
</p><p>It has been six months since Praimfaya now, and Bellamy is doing okay.</p><p>His friendship with Clarke is back to being much like it was before Praimfaya. They don’t avoid each other at all. They talk. Having Octavia’s secret to keep helps to bind them, in a way. The day Clarke came to him with her concerns about Octavia helped open the door to get them acting as friends again, and so that is where they are at now.</p><p>Friends only though. Bellamy tells himself that he’s lucky to have Clarke as a friend, and he will need to accept what he is given. It’s a comfortable place most of the time, though there are days when he looks at her and his heart melts once more. Every now and then his mind still wanders and he thinks about what it would be like if they were together, holding hands, kissing, touching. He simply swallows and reminds himself that Clarke is his friend and nothing more.</p><p>And in the meantime, life continues – and, on rare occasions, it even feels like some kind of normal. Bellamy is trapped in the Ark just as he was before, though this time there are only 99 other people instead of 2,200. And this time he’s on the Council instead of working as a janitor. Sometimes he even looks forward to their meetings, though not as much as he enjoys learning how to become a teacher.</p><p>He and Bree continue to sleep together, though much less frequently now. Once a week seems to be about average at this point. It continues to serve a purpose, scratch an itch, provides him a distraction without any entanglements. Just as always, whenever they are done, they return to their own rooms. As far as Bellamy knows, Clarke hasn’t taken up with anyone, though he reminds himself that it would be none of his business if she did.</p><p>Life isn’t bad, especially now that he and Clarke are friends once more. Bellamy also has Miller and Raven’s friendship. Kane offers mentoring and coaching, and Bellamy looks forward to it. He guesses this is what it’s like to have a good uncle. Bellamy also has his work in the classroom and the Council, he has the library and the gym and the daily movie night. He’ll watch Octavia and Miller spar in the gym, learn what he can from their techniques, laugh as the three of them sit down to glasses of water afterwards. Day-to-day survival isn’t an issue like it was on the day the dropship landed, and for that he’s grateful.</p><p>Sometimes Bellamy and the others even have fun. Miller has taken to making snarky comments at the movies. Sometimes he has Bellamy, Jackson, and the others holding onto their sides with laughter. But then Bellamy remembers everything they have experienced – everything they have done – and he doesn’t want to laugh anymore. The next day he will watch someone do a magic trick and then remember Monty’s old card tricks - and feel a new stab of grief knowing he will never just “get over” the loss of Monty, Harper, and Jasper.</p><p>He still worries over Octavia and still wonders if his and Clarke’s assumption about her hiding Niylah is correct. He doesn’t know. A few times he has done as he told Clarke he would – he offers Octavia some of his food, saying that his stomach hurts. Octavia accepts it. A few other times he does what Octavia occasionally does – slips a potato or piece of dried fruit into his jacket when no one’s looking. He later offers it to Octavia in private and she accepts without comment. They leave it there.</p><p>***</p><p>A few days after the six-month mark has passed, Bellamy is sitting in the daily post-breakfast Council meeting.</p><p>“I have something new to bring up,” Abby announces as the other four sets of eyes turn to focus on her. “Someone approached me yesterday. I won’t say who. But she asked what our policy is on reproduction now. She said she’s not pregnant, but she would like to be. She wants to know what the rules are.”</p><p>The rules on the Ark were clear. You were free to marry whom you wanted, but your contraceptive implants didn’t come out until a committee cleared you and your spouse. The Council doesn’t need to be reminded that times are different now.</p><p>“It’s an interesting question,” Jaha says. “We <strong>did</strong> account for having five to ten births during the next five years.”</p><p>“And we did weight the list towards young women,” Clarke adds. “Specifically for that purpose.”</p><p>“The human race does need to be repopulated,” Kane says. “Inasmuch as that can be done with only 100 people.”</p><p>“And,” Clarke adds, “the fact is that every system is working well. We’ve had no issues with the hydrofarm, the air scrubbers, or the water recyclers. Even the algae farm is producing.”</p><p>Bellamy looks at his tablet. “I’d say we easily could accommodate even more than the number we planned for,” he says. “Five to ten births was a conservative estimate.”</p><p>Bellamy looks around the table at the other faces. None of them could be described as jubilant – in fact many look ill-at-ease, and the reason is obvious. They just culled most of their population. The tension between the idea of recognizing that Skaikru needs babies and mourning those who were culled is hard to balance.</p><p>But the fact remains that they can easily accommodate a few babies, which the human race desperately needs if it is going to continue.</p><p>The discussion grows robust. On the Ark, prospective parents had to be married, mainly for the reason that raising a child alone is challenging - and requiring marriage also provided a degree of stability in case one parent died, which happened not infrequently. It also helped ensure that the baby would always have one caretaker while the other parent was at work. The group debates the wisdom of requiring marriage now, especially when so many of the Ark’s female population is young. They decide that if a woman has a close friend or relative who commits to raising the child with her, they will view that as acceptable in lieu of a marriage.</p><p>The group then discusses what their actual policy should be, knowing that they need to have a policy in place and announce it, rather than just letting birth control implants be removed at random. So they decide that anyone who wants to become a parent should make their wishes known. “We will then randomly select three women who will be allowed to become mothers,” Clarke says, summing up their decision. “If all goes well, then 12 months from now we will randomly select three more. Then we’ll evaluate the strain on our systems and decide if we can allow more. We should be able to, but we still need to take it slowly.”</p><p>The group looks over what they have put together, decides to let it sit for a day and then revisit it tomorrow before they make the announcement.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy looks at the 95 faces sitting in the conference room, the faces belonging to those who aren’t on the Council. As Clarke shares what has been decided, Bellamy is guessing that the group looks mostly pleased with the news.</p><p>A few hands are raised when Clarke asks what questions they have. One person asks when the lottery will take place, and Clarke answers that they decided to wait 30 days before holding the lottery so that everyone can give this the thought it deserves. A few more questions are asked, and again Bellamy thinks the group looks pleased, and the meeting is adjourned.</p><p>***</p><p>And then, just a few days later, it happens.</p><p>Bellamy is inside his room, reading and resting, having just returned from a lesson on engineering. Raven figured out that to get Jaha out of her hair, she had to put him to work teaching others the basics of engineering, and thus Bellamy has spent the past few hours in a class taught by Jaha. This arrangement has worked out well for both Raven and Jaha, Bellamy guesses. He was never a fan of Jaha the chancellor but he thinks that Jaha the teacher is hitting his stride.</p><p>There is a knock on his door. He puts the book aside and stands up. When someone knocks, it’s usually one of his friends wanting to play a game in the rec room or take a walk or even do some combat training. He’s going to decline any requests for a game of chess, even if it’s Clarke asking. His head is a little heavy right now from the engineering lesson. It could also, Bellamy knows, be Bree in search of a hookup but they just had one a few days ago and he truly doesn’t want one now.</p><p>He opens the door and it’s Clarke.</p><p>After all this time as “just friends” – of seeing her casually multiple times a day -- his heart still skips a beat at the sight of her. And his pulse picks up just a bit. She doesn’t often knock on his door, though it happens occasionally, especially when she wants to coax him into a chess game.</p><p>But Bellamy knows her too well and the look on her face is something else. The last time she had this particular look, she told him about her suspicions that Octavia was hiding Niylah. No, Bellamy corrects himself. The last time she looked this way was before that, when she told him they needed to be just friends. Again, his heartbeat is faster than he would like right now and he has to remind himself to breathe.</p><p>“How’s it going?” Clarke asks, as she steps inside his room. “How was engineering class?”</p><p>“It was good,” Bellamy says. He forces a smile. “I think Jaha’s found his calling.”</p><p>“Which I’m sure Raven appreciates,” Clarke says with a laugh that Bellamy can clearly see is forced. “So…hey,” Clarke begins again, taking a breath and looking more serious now. “I was thinking. There are 100 people left in the human race. It needs to be repopulated. It’s – it’s a moral imperative. You are my closest friend. You’re smart and strong and responsible. And caring. I could go on and on.” Clarke actually swallows and then makes her ask. “I think you and I should enter the lottery to become parents. As friends.”</p><p>Bellamy’s only response is for his jaw to drop and to ask a pronounced, “What?” The word stretches out for more than one syllable.</p><p>“I know, I know,” Clarke says, shaking her head and putting her hands up. “It’s weird. But, well, like I said. It’s our moral imperative to help rebuild the human race. Neither of us has a girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. But we’re close friends. You’d be a great father. We can do this.”</p><p>Bellamy’s mind starts to get back in gear after completely shutting off for a second or two. ‘<em>Imperative</em>’, he repeats to himself. <em>Clarke really has rehearsed this. Just like she scripted the speech on the day she said we should be just friends.</em></p><p>Bellamy imagines that whatever look his face displays can only indicate one reaction: dumbfounded.</p><p>“I know it’s a big decision,” Clarke continues. “So please, please take all the time you need to think about it. We can’t enter the lottery for a month now anyway. So we have time.”</p><p>Bellamy is still astonished and silent. He has to fight the urge to answer with a ‘<em>Yes! Of course!</em>’ Dimly he’s aware that he will not commit to anything right now.</p><p>Part of him wants to unequivocally refuse – he is not parenting anyone unless he’s in an actual relationship with the mother, not just friends. But his brain keeps poking at him, telling him that this is his chance to become close to Clarke, to take on the most important job in the world with her, as her co-parent. This is his chance to touch her and hold her. It’s not the way he wanted and it’s far from perfect, but wouldn’t this be better than just remaining friends? This would take them up a step from friends to co-parents.</p><p>“You look like you need time to think about it,” Clarke says straightforwardly.</p><p>“I do,” Bellamy manages. His throat is dry.</p><p>Clarke nods. “Take all of the 30 days we have, if you want. And if you want to go over questions and ideas – things like parenting styles and such – just let me know.”</p><p>Bellamy listens to her words. Again they sound scripted, and the two of them may as well be in a Council meeting. He can only nod as he watches her leave.</p><p>***</p><p>Niylah listens eagerly as Octavia recaps the day’s big meeting. The first time she had ever heard of Skaikru’s one-child policy, she’d felt distaste, of course – even though she could see the logic to it. Being raised on the ground with the earth’s abundant resources all around, Niylah could only imagine what life would be like inside a metal box in space where most resources, other than solar power, were finite.</p><p>“But yeah,” Octavia says, concluding. “If they got room for three babies this year and three babies next year, then they got room for you.” She takes a breath. “But we’re still stuck. I disobeyed rules by hiding you.”</p><p>“And we don’t know what the punishment for that is,” Niylah says. “We do know that on the Ark we’d both have been floated for this.” She is pleased with herself every time she uses one of Skaikru’s expressions.</p><p>“And I still have no idea if they’d make an exception now since there are so few of us,” Octavia says. “So few humans. And I can’t exactly ask.” As Octavia has shared, no one else has broken any rules since Praimfaya. The last big disruption was Kara Cooper’s outburst on the day of the death wave. She was confined to quarters for a day and then released. The 100 Skaikru living here now follow the rules.</p><p>“Still too big of a risk then,” Niylah concludes. “We can’t come forward.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>Niylah sighs. “Clarke is a good leader. If we ever do get discovered, I have to hope she wouldn’t allow anything drastic to happen to us.”</p><p>Octavia nods. “Hey, so…about Clarke. I was just curious. You two used to be…not a couple, right?”</p><p>“We were friends,” Niylah says simply. “We care about each other,” she continues, unsure whether to use past or present tense. “When I first met her, she needed comfort and I was happy to provide it. Some comfort, a listening ear. I’ve always enjoyed doing that for people.” She smiles and adds, “And, yes, sex as well. But we were never in love, never had any aspirations to be more than two friends who sometimes slept together.”</p><p>Niylah is unsure how to interpret the look on Octavia’s face. Maybe a mix of curiosity and caring? “Have you ever….been in love?” Octavia asks. “Like me and Lincoln were?”</p><p>Niylah fleetingly thinks it’s strange that they haven’t ever discussed this during the months they’ve spent together. But Niylah has never wanted to bring the topic up, since Lincoln’s loss clearly still pains Octavia. Niylah has been careful to steer away from matters of the heart, topics that might remind Octavia of Lincoln. She wonders if it’s something of a breakthrough that Octavia has brought him up today.</p><p>“No,” Niylah answers. She shrugs. “Just never met the right woman. So I’ve only had….what your people call ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘hookups’.”</p><p>Octavia smiles. “What’s the Trig word for that?”</p><p>Niylah supplies the word. Her answer to Octavia a moment ago was honest. She’s always been open to having a love such as the one Octavia and Lincoln shared, but it hasn’t happened for her. She once lived for about six months with another woman but they couldn’t get it right and Niylah returned to her father’s house.</p><p>“Are you interested in women only? Or in anyone?” Octavia then seems to force a laugh. “I’m asking lots of questions today, huh?”</p><p>Niylah returns her smile. She’s glad that Octavia is more interested in sharing now. She has to admire the way Octavia and Lincoln went for a big, bold, passionate love even if it ended in tragedy.</p><p><em>Of course,</em> Niylah cautions herself,<em> be careful where your heart decides to go with this as this, too, might end in tragedy.</em></p><p>She answers Octavia’s question. “Only women stir my heart. And my passions.” She pauses. “What about you?”</p><p>Octavia looks down and scratches at her pant leg. “I don’t know,” she says after a while. “Never really thought much about romance or sex till I was out of the Skybox. Then there was Lincoln – oh, yeah, Atom before that, I think I mentioned him.” She keeps looking at her pant leg. “No woman ever…. expressed interest in me, and I never really--“</p><p>They are interrupted by a knock on the door. With well-honed practice, Niylah is back into the hole and the floor panel is replaced in a matter of mere seconds.</p><p>“Who is it?” Octavia calls out.</p><p>“It’s Sepetys and the others,” the young cadet answers. It’s a small group who Octavia has been teaching grounder combat skills to. “Just seeing if you want to walk with us to dinner.”</p><p>“The movie’s good tonight,” another one calls.</p><p>Octavia has already told Niylah the name of the movie scheduled for tonight. She remembers Octavia describing it six months ago when Octavia first saw it. It made a vivid impression because it contained a love scene between two women, and Niylah remembers how Octavia described it. She hadn’t spared too many details.</p><p>“Be right there.”</p><p>And with that, Niylah hears the door open and close, and Octavia is gone for the next few hours. Niylah leans back, resting against the wall. Uncomfortable, she repositions the pillows and blankets inside her hole to make herself more comfortable.</p><p>There are a variety of things she does to pass the time when Octavia’s not around. Often Niylah just naps. The hole isn’t large, but she can still do several stretches as well as strengthening exercises. There are Trikru prayers, breathing exercises, and other mental or spiritual exercises. She once meditated so deeply that she barely heard Octavia when she returned. Octavia has also supplied Niylah with anything she can scavenge that she might enjoy. There’s a small puzzle from Mount Weather but Niylah accidentally kicked it when she was doing some abdominal exercises, and she hasn’t reconstructed it yet. There are scraps of paper and a few pencils, and Niylah has found that she prefers doodling to reading. She’s not at Clarke’s level when it comes to drawing, but she’s not half-bad either.</p><p>Lately her drawings have been mostly of Octavia.</p><p>Niylah tries to “keep it there”, to channel her energy there, into her drawings. She never got the full answer from Octavia to her last question, and Niylah again cautions herself to cut off that line of thought. Perhaps it’s best to not ever think much about it. Not to think how good it would be to touch Octavia, to hold her, to press her lips against hers.</p><p>Stop, Niylah commands herself. Stop.</p><p>***</p><p>Octavia returns, as she always does, once dinner and the daily movie are over. As Niylah climbs out of the hole, Octavia sets the dinner tray down on the desk and pulls out the chair for Niylah to sit.</p><p>“It’s too much,” Niylah says, surveying the bowl of stew. Dinner often is a soybean and vegetable stew, and today is no different. “This looks like far more than half.”</p><p>“It’s yours,” Octavia insists, seating herself atop the bed. “I had plenty.”</p><p>Niylah nods and tucks into the stew as Octavia begins to recap the movie. Although this is Niylah’s second time hearing the rundown of the film, she’s still glad to hear it. Octavia truly does a great job at recalling details.</p><p>As Octavia approaches the love scene between the two women, one of the most central points of the movie, Niylah tenses up just a bit. Octavia’s pacing has slowed a bit, her voice taking on a more serious tone. Whenever there has been a love scene in a movie, Octavia often glosses over any details. (Her recaps of sex scenes are along the lines of “He kisses her, she kisses him back, then there’s sex.” Or “They end up making out in the car and you know what happens next.”) This time Octavia is providing ample details, describing what each woman is wearing, the look in her eyes, the movement of her hands.</p><p>Niylah normally looks at Octavia’s face during the movie recaps, stopping her occasionally to ask a question. She can’t do that now. She can only look down at her hands. Her heart is pounding and she thinks she’s perspiring a bit. Octavia continues describing the scene, until it’s over and there’s a moment of silence.</p><p>“Kiss me,” Octavia says.</p><p>Niylah is flustered. “Uh – sorry, are you saying that Carol said that to Therese?”</p><p>“No,” Octavia says, stepping down from the bed and over to where Niylah sits. “I want you to kiss me.”</p><p>There is something about Octavia. Niylah has always suspected that Octavia, as much perhaps as Clarke, was born to be a leader. She has a commanding presence, she can turn all eyes towards her. And it makes Niylah completely flushed and excited.</p><p>Niylah wordlessly stands to face Octavia. She is happy to obey this directive. She leans in towards Octavia, ready for that kiss.</p><p>Before their lips touch, Octavia steps back almost as if she’s been doused with cold water. “I’m sorry!” Octavia barks out. “I had no right to order you to do that. I’m sorry!” she repeats.</p><p>Niylah smiles. “I’m happy to do it,” she says softly. “I’m happy to do whatever you like,” she adds with a slight raise of her eyebrows.</p><p>Octavia takes one more step back so that she’s now standing against the bed. “We-we can’t. Not with the way we live here. It wouldn’t be right.”</p><p>“Why not?” Niylah asks simply.</p><p>Octavia looks down before meeting Niylah’s eyes. “Because of the situation we’re in. You depend on me for food and for hiding. You-you might feel obliged and not really want to….”</p><p>“Oh, I want to,” Niylah insists. When the words are out, she winces. Looking at Octavia, Niylah can clearly see that whatever put Octavia into the state of wanting to be kissed is gone now. She’s not sure if Octavia has cold feet because of the reason she just gave or something else. But Niylah feels that she was wrong, a second ago, to push it.</p><p>“We shouldn’t,” Octavia says. She’s still pressed against the bed.</p><p>And again Niylah can only observe that Octavia’s innate commanding presence just needs to be obeyed. Although Octavia’s voice a second ago wasn’t as firm as it often is, Niylah believes this is not the time to argue with her.</p><p>“Okay,” Niylah says with a tilt of her head. And then, with what can only be described as a big grin, she adds, “If you ever change your mind, you know where to reach me.” The words are so ridiculous that she and Octavia both laugh. The release of tension is exactly what they need. They laugh some more, Niylah bids Octavia good night, and she retreats back into the hiding spot.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“I have to admit I’m looking forward to it. In less than a year we might have babies born here.”</p><p>Jackson says the words to Miller. They are cuddled together in bed, with hours to go before either one is on duty or needed somewhere else.</p><p>Miller listens to his words and takes just a moment to savor things before he replies. Life post-Praimfaya is perhaps slower-paced than his life ever has been before. True, it was slow inside the Skybox too but he was only there for about seven weeks, and that all feels like a distant memory anyway. As the Council shared – and as everyone else already knew – the Ark is functioning well, like a well-oiled machine. So Miller is allowed more free time than he’s ever really experienced before.</p><p>And it feels good, just lying in bed, feeling Jackson’s naked body against his. Miller likes it all, everything they do on this bed. Anticipating and getting ready for sex, building towards orgasm, and the post-sex cuddling too. Miller has spent every night since Praimfaya here in Jackson’s room, only once returning to his former room to collect his meager belongings.</p><p>“Yeah,” Miller answers. “It’ll be nice.”</p><p>“I love getting to assist with deliveries,” Jackson continues wistfully. “Abby will take the lead, of course. But it’s one of my favorite things to do. There’s almost always a happy ending.”</p><p><em>A happy ending,</em> Miller thinks to himself. He exhales. “Just seems that if they planned on there being five to ten babies born here, they could’ve allowed a few more people to stay. I know, I know….I just gotta accept it, accept their decision and what happened.”</p><p>Jackson shifts his position so that he’s looking at Miller’s brown eyes. “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “It’s okay to be upset. What happened is not the kind of thing that you can ever really just get over.”</p><p>Miller takes a moment to digest those words. “That’s exactly it,” he finally says. “I am happy – really – that there will be babies born, that people will get to become parents. I just wish that somehow my dad could be here too.” He strokes Jackson’s shoulder. “I told you what he said to Clarke in the stockade, didn’t I?”</p><p>Jackson nods somberly.</p><p>“He said I’d ‘mate’ with anyone if that’s what it would take to get a spot in here,” Miller remembers with a twisted half-smile. He knows he’s forcing the smile and soon drops it.</p><p>“I wonder if either of us will ever be asked to do that. Just from what I’ve heard in the halls and in the gym, I don’t think there’s a shortage of prospective moms or dads. I think they will have more than three women enter that lottery.”</p><p>“I think you’re right.” Miller tilts his head. “I know I’m not the only one who wonders if they could’ve saved more people though. Did you see the look on Cooper’s face when they made the announcement?”</p><p>“I try to avoid looking at her,” Jackson answers, looking somewhat bemused.</p><p>“I mean she always looks kinda angry,” Miller says wryly. “But she did not look happy during that meeting.” He tries to stop dwelling on Cooper. Once again, the guilt pokes at him. Cooper’s husband didn’t make the cut, while Miller did and is in the arms of the man he loves. Cooper has every right to look as angry as she usually does. Miller needs desperately to think of something else. He touches a few fingertips to Jackson’s face. “Hey….ready for round two?”</p><p>“Thought you’d never ask,” Jackson smiles. He pulls Miller into a deep kiss.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy has gone back to doing something he did often during the sleepless nights leading up to Praimfaya: pacing the halls. He walks and walks and walks some more, often passing whichever guard is on duty more than once.</p><p>He knows that he can – and probably should – sit down with a few people to bounce this off of them. Clarke hasn’t asked him to keep this quiet, and of course if they decide to move forward and enter the lottery, there would be no keeping it quiet at that point either. Bellamy has plenty of people he can talk with. Kane has been such a good uncle-figure. Miller and Raven such good friends. Octavia knows him so well, though she has definitely been preoccupied with something these past few days.</p><p>
  <em>No. I need to make the decision on my own. I need to decide what I think is right and go with that.</em>
</p><p>It has been four days since Clarke approached him.</p><p>Since then, they’ve seen each other as usual, at mealtimes and at movies. Once, alone in the halls, Clarke reminded him – apparently trying to keep her voice casual – that she’d be glad to sit down and discuss whatever he wanted to regarding her proposition. She quickly added that they still had plenty of time to make a decision and she didn’t want to rush him. Bellamy had nodded, said he was still thinking but not ready to discuss any details or ask any questions at this point.</p><p>Bellamy continues to walk. So much to think about, so many factors to weigh. His love for Clarke, even though she just wants to be friends. The fact that the human race is down to only 100 – or 101, assuming Niylah is here – members. The desire to survive and pass on one’s genes is as old as history. There is also the fact that out of all the potential partners/girlfriends/wives here, Bellamy isn’t really drawn to anyone other than Clarke. He can truthfully say that no other woman here sparks his interest in anything beyond a friendship. And the fact that despite all the mistakes he made and despite the abysmal circumstances they were in, he enjoyed his part in raising Octavia. He has to smile when he thinks back to playing lily pads with her. Bellamy thinks of all the people who have passed away, never getting the chance to become parents. Monty and Harper would have been such wonderful parents, and now they are dead. Shouldn’t he take this chance while he can?</p><p>But what about all the downsides? How difficult – or even impossible – would it be co-parent a child with Clarke when they are only friends? She’d be so near and so far away. There’s also the matter of conception of the child. Although Bellamy hasn’t asked, he’s certain that Clarke would opt for conception to be done in med bay – no sex involved. Bellamy has to ask himself if he’s really okay with that. When Clarke had proposed this idea, Bellamy had instinctively mused that he’d get to touch her, but he realizes now that in all likelihood, they won’t be doing much touching beyond perhaps a family hug with their toddler.</p><p>Although….if Clarke says that she wants the conception to take place the usual way, Bellamy has to ask himself if he’s really ready for that.</p><p>Bellamy has obsessed over all of these thoughts for the past four days.</p><p>He rounds another corner. He has made his decision. He’s going to slip a note under Clarke’s door and ask to speak with her when she’s up in the morning.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Six</strong>
</p><p>Bellamy has just finished showering, toweling off, and dressing when he hears the knock on his door. He quickly runs a comb through his hair and then lets Clarke in.</p><p>She steps inside without preamble. “I got your note,” she says as the doors close behind her. “Hope this isn’t too early.”</p><p>Bellamy can’t help but to smile. Clarke looks eager, just from the shine in her eyes and the decisive way she entered his room. And furthermore, she already knows this isn’t too early. They often walk together to breakfast, and she knows what time he’s usually up by.</p><p>“Not at all. I’m glad you came.” Matching Clarke’s eagerness, Bellamy feels resolute. He has made his decision and he feels it’s the right one. “So,” he begins, meeting her eyes, “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. And I’d like to accept your offer.”</p><p>Bellamy sees the flash in Clarke’s eyes and the smile that she doesn’t try to hide. <em>Jubilant</em>. That’s the word. She looks truly jubilant, he thinks.</p><p>“That’s- that’s great!” Clarke says, and again Bellamy has to thrill at the hint of breathlessness in her voice. “I’m so happy.”</p><p>“Me too. We’ll do this together and be the best parents we can,” Bellamy says confidently. Of Clarke and her ability to parent, he has no doubts. Of course he has doubts about his own abilities. Part of him will always believe he’s a monster for what he has done to survive. But the other part of him can’t help but to note that despite tremendous odds, Octavia is doing well. She’s even – as far as Bellamy can tell – risking her own life to save another. He has done something right.</p><p>And he’s not going to lose his chance to get closer to Clarke, even if it’s not the way he quite hoped for.</p><p>“Yes!” Clarke enthuses at Bellamy’s statement. “So, uh, should we talk through some details now? Or….later?”</p><p>“Now’s as good a time as any,” Bellamy says.</p><p>Moments later, Clarke is seated on the chair by the desk as Bellamy sits on the bed. Clarke has clearly thought of a variety of topics. She starts with bringing up the lottery and reminding Bellamy that they might not win one of the three spots.</p><p>“Understood,” Bellamy says. “I’m good with trying again next year if we don’t.”</p><p>“Me too,” Clarke nods. She continues, “If we are selected then I think we should move into in together. It would be good if we’re both around for the child.”</p><p>“I agree,” Bellamy says. “We can take turns when the baby wakes up during the night, that sort of thing.” He then adds, with a genuine laugh, “I won’t be able to help much with the breast-feeding though.”</p><p>She returns his laugh, and he again notes that her eyes are gleaming a bit. They are discussing serious matters but he can’t help but to note that he feels so much lighter.</p><p>“What about discipline?” Clarke asks. “Parenting styles?”</p><p>They discuss the topic at length, finding several areas where they agree. They also decide to spend some more time separately jotting down their thoughts and ideas on the subject, and then to compare notes later on. They also plan to read library books on the topic. “Since,” Bellamy says, “this is a topic that we could spend the next nine months on.”</p><p>“Right. It’s a huge topic. We could spend the next nine years on it!” Clarke adds. “So we should just keep talking, reading, and thinking about it.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. He then brings up another topic. “So if we win the lottery….what happens next? We get our contraceptive implants out of course?”</p><p>“Yes,” Clarke answers. “It’s a fairly easy procedure. We’ll be a bit tired and sore for a day or so afterwards, but the recovery’s not too bad.”</p><p>She pauses and takes a breath. Bellamy looks at her. Clarke’s facial expression and posture has gone from confident and excited to nervous, within the span of a second or two and he braces himself, wondering what has caused this change in her. The way she shifts her weight in her chair has Bellamy convinced that she truly is a bit nervous.</p><p>“What about the conception?” Clarke asks. She continues, “I-I was thinking that we could do it the traditional way. It’s better not to have medical interventions unless we need to. Unless – unless, of course, you don’t want to. Then we could do it through medical intervention.”</p><p>“No, no,” Bellamy answers quickly. “You’re right, let’s minimize medical intervention. We can do it the traditional way.”</p><p>“Good. I agree.”</p><p>Bellamy will replay this conversation over and over again. He will ponder how quickly they both decided that medical interventions were bad, despite Clarke’s medical training, despite the fact that her mother is a doctor, despite their med bay being fairly well-stocked thanks to Mount Weather. He will note how happy and relieved she looked when he agreed to “minimize medical intervention”. He knows he is far more excited and thrilled about this – all of this, the prospect of them parenting together as well as the conception – than he should be.</p><p>“It goes without saying,” Bellamy begins, a moment later, “that we should stop having hookups with other people. Better to focus on each other – and what we’re trying to do here.”</p><p>“Yes, absolutely,” Clarke agrees. She then laughs, and for the first time today Bellamy believes her laugh is forced, “I haven’t been having any though.”</p><p>Bellamy knows that, of course. “Right. Well, I’ll let Bree know that hookups are cancelled.” He quickly adds, “I’ll do it in a nicer way than that. She’ll be fine with it.” He adds, after a brief pause, “I think it’s run its course.”</p><p>Clarke nods.</p><p>Bellamy doesn’t want to read too much into her facial expression. But. She’s happy. Clarke is happy. Obviously she has reason to be since Bellamy has just agreed to her request to co-parent with him. But he wonders if it’s hubris to believe that Clarke is also happy upon hearing that Bellamy is breaking it off with Bree.</p><p><em>Just my imagination</em>, he tells himself. And yet – he doesn’t fully believe that either.</p><p>There’s a knock at their door. “It’s Octavia. Bell, they served breakfast 15 minutes ago! Are you okay?”</p><p>“Sorry,” Bellamy calls out. “Clarke and I are fine. We’re coming.”</p><p>He steps towards the door but turns and looks at Clarke again. She’s still smiling, and she pulls him into a hug. It’s a hug that he gleefully returns. It feels like warmth and tenderness and a sort of balm against the world. He doesn’t want it to end.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“We were worried,” Abby says, as Clarke and Bellamy sit down to breakfast. Octavia sits a moment later, her mission to find them complete.</p><p>“Yeah, and cold oatmeal tastes even worse than hot oatmeal,” Miller smirks.</p><p>“Come on,” Raven nudges him, “now we have these great algae-based bars to eat too.”</p><p>“Yeah, I preferred jerky,” Miller mutters.</p><p>“Sorry,” Clarke says, glancing at her mom. “We lost track of time.”</p><p>Bellamy glances around the table. A few eyebrows are raised at his and Clarke’s tardiness, though he appreciates Raven and Miller’s attempts to change the subject. Clarke now also tries to change the subject by asking if they missed anything, and Bellamy starts to wonder. One thing he and Clarke didn’t talk about was who they plan to inform when. They can’t exactly wait till the day of the lottery to tell their loved ones.</p><p><em>We’re gonna need a plan,</em> he thinks. <em>Because already everyone at this table already knows something’s up.</em></p><p>***</p><p>As soon as the morning’s Council meeting is over, Clarke asks Bellamy if he will stay behind in the conference room so they can talk.</p><p>“We need to decide who to tell when,” Clarke says.</p><p>He can only smile at how connected their thoughts are. “Yeah. The fact that we were this morning is the talk of the town, apparently.”</p><p>“Bored people are going to gossip,” Clarke says with a small shrug. Skaikru are doing what they can to stave off boredom – the group that wrote out a play is working on getting it into production, one person who can play the guitar has teamed up with one person who can sing and they’ve been doing concerts, and Miller reportedly is writing fiction in his spare time – but Clarke is right. Gossip happens. Ever since the lottery was announced, it has been discussed at length by everyone.</p><p>So Clarke and Bellamy put a plan together. They decide to start by telling family: Abby and Octavia first. Raven next – they took her into their confidence regarding Octavia’s doings, and they want to include her here too. Then they agree to say something at dinner so that the others who they sit with are officially in the loop then too. “If I see Miller before dinner, I’ll mention it to him,” Bellamy adds.</p><p>Clarke nods. “That makes sense.”</p><p>***</p><p>“As friends?” Octavia is asking.</p><p>“As friends,” Bellamy confirms.</p><p>They are inside Bellamy’s room. Octavia appreciates the fact that he never knocks on her door now. She’s learned to just occasionally go to his room and knock, ask if he wants to hang out or go for a walk. It keeps him away from her door. And she has to admit hanging out with him can be fun sometimes, especially when they do combat training together (and she defeats him – which she usually does).</p><p>But she’s not sure how she feels about what he has just told her. It’s his life and his business, and she won’t push on it too much. On the Ark, the subject of reproduction never has been a private matter, but Octavia thinks it should be. On the other hand, he is her only blood relative and she does care about him.</p><p>“Seems like kind of a rush though,” she says straightforwardly. “You’re both still young.”</p><p>“Is it really? I mean, the human race is down to 100 people,” Bellamy says. There’s more than a little passion in his voice.</p><p>Octavia takes a breath. She’s not going to argue that point with him. She decides it’s not really worth an argument at all. Who’s to say that parenting with someone as friends instead of in a marriage is wrong? For all she knows, Bellamy and Clarke might not even win one of the three spots in the lottery.</p><p>“Are you gonna be okay doing this as just friends?” Octavia asks. She shrugs. “I mean, usually when you have a kid with someone you’re either married or….serious about each other.”</p><p>“These are unusual times,” Bellamy states.</p><p>She looks at him. Since she first saw him this morning, he’s looked like he wants to break out in a grin but is restraining himself. She even wants to say that he’s glowing. Octavia wishes that Bellamy and Clarke would just admit their feelings for each other and go for it. <em>What is it about them that they can’t?</em> she wonders. <em>Hell, Miller and Jackson dove headfirst into a relationship and don’t seem to regret it. And they live in the same painful, messed up world that Clarke and Bell do. Oh well. I’m not going to obsess over it.</em></p><p>“I guess you’re right,” Octavia says, deciding to leave it there. “I hope you guys win one of the spots, then. I’d like to be an aunt. And – hey – I’m glad that the Ark is doing so well that we can accommodate more people.”</p><p>The look he gives her can be described as meaningful. “Yes. Me too.”</p><p>***</p><p>“I’m pretty sure that he knows that I know he knows.”</p><p>Niylah laughs at Octavia’s words. “Sorry,” she smiles. “I had to think about that for a second. But I’m sure you’re right. Bellamy knows that we know that he knows.”</p><p>Niylah can’t decide the exact degree of awkwardness between her and Octavia since the “kiss me” incident a few days ago. She has no one to discuss it with, so she simply mulls over it when she’s alone. She can’t decide if Octavia has been acting the same as she always has, or if there really and truly is something she sees flashes of in Octavia’s eyes.<em> Regret? Yearning? Confusion? Or just my imagination….and my wishes?</em></p><p>Niylah simply reminds herself that obsessing over it would pave a pathway towards madness, so she does as she always does – attempts to put it out of her head. Maybe it was better, what Octavia did, putting a stop to it. After all, if they had crossed that bridge, what would be on the other side? Niylah herself has never been afraid to do that, to get sexual with a friend when the friend is willing – but this situation is far, far different. Octavia’s never been with a woman, for one thing. And the circumstances they live in now are a far cry from Niylah’s former life in Trikru.</p><p>“It would be nice to be an Aunt,” Octavia says.</p><p>“I think so,” Niylah says, glad to focus on something else. “I was close with my uncles and aunt. The ones who had no children of their own spent a lot of time playing with me.” Niylah pauses. “And the fact that they are allowing <em>three</em> women to become mothers still makes me think that if we somehow are discovered….”</p><p>Niylah’s voice trails off, so Octavia finishes the thought for her. “….that we’ll be okay.” She takes a breath. “I hope so.”</p><p>***</p><p>“Abby is thrilled. The idea of being a grandmother someday.”</p><p>Jackson makes the observation to Miller one evening, the day after Clarke and Bellamy shared their news. Everyone else is at movie night, but the two men are inside the gym. Neither particularly liked tonight’s movie the first time they saw it. And Miller has been teaching Jackson self-defense moves; Jackson prefers to practice them without the eyes of others on him. So now is a good time for them to use the gym, with most of the rest of the Ark at the movie.</p><p>“Good,” Miller says. “I’m glad she wasn’t weirded out by the idea of Clarke and Bellamy doing this as just friends.” Miller grasps the punching bag and takes a breath. “Again, Jackson. Give it a few of your best shots.”</p><p>Jackson punches the bag three times in succession with his right arm, and then three times with his left. He smiles at the pride on Miller’s face; he knows he’s doing well. When they first started training, Jackson had a few flashes of worry over appearing weak in front of his man. But from the first lesson, Miller just had this way of making him feel at ease, of stripping away any self-consciousness.</p><p>“Good punches!” Miller exclaims at Jackson’s hits.</p><p>“You’re a great trainer,” Jackson says as he wipes his brow.</p><p>“Do <strong>you</strong> think it’s weird?” Miller asks. “Them wanting to do it as just friends?”</p><p>Jackson shrugs. “There are only 100 people here. Not everyone is going to find someone they want to marry.” He smiles. “Not everyone is as lucky as we are.”</p><p>“Right about that, but…” Miller shakes his head. “The two of them would be so good together! I still say I see it. Something more than friendship between the two of them.”</p><p>The two men go on to practice another move. Miller comes up behind Jackson, and Jackson practices defending himself. When they’re finished with that move, Jackson picks the conversation back up. “I see it too but….a lot of people have to protect themselves. I see people avoiding emotional commitments like that. Everyone’s lost loved ones – and is probably asking themselves if they can afford to lose more.”</p><p>“I know,” Miller says, looking down. “I overheard Kara Cooper the other day talking about her husband. I still feel bad. As she so clearly told everyone the day I was taken out of the stockade, her husband was just eight or nine years older than me and he knew the hydrofarm pretty well. But I….”</p><p>Miller’s voice breaks off; he’s choked up. Jackson reaches quickly to hug him, knowing Miller is still suffering from guilt as well as the loss of his father. “Hey, hey,” he says softly. “We all have survivor’s guilt. It’s okay.”</p><p>“I feel it every day,” Miller says, pulling Jackson in tightly. “Every damn day I question my right to exist.”</p><p>Jackson hears footsteps as Octavia bounds into the gym. “Jackson!” Octavia calls. “There’s been an accident. You’re needed in med bay!”</p><p>***</p><p>Miller and Jackson weren’t the only ones who skipped the movie. Thelonius Jaha decided to do some puttering around engineering. Needing some scrap parts for whatever he was working on, he stood on the top rung of a rickety, ancient ladder. And he fell, hard, accidentally bringing a heavy storage bin down on top of himself. He aggravated the injury to his intestines, which are still recovering from the gunshot wound a year ago.</p><p>Abby and Jackson are both in med bay fighting - just as they were a year ago - to get and keep Jaha stable.</p><p>***</p><p>With Jackson having spent the night in med bay, Miller is spending a couple hours before breakfast with Octavia. She reached out to him, figuring that he could use a distraction. And lately they both have been seeking activities other than combat training, at times. There are only so many times you can spar with someone before you want to do something else for a change.</p><p>“I’ve been writing a story,” Miller says. They are sitting inside the library. “I like ghost stories so much that I thought I’d try writing my own. Raven got me this old tablet to type on. And,” he adds with a laugh, “Jackson’s polite about it but….well, I can tell he doesn’t love ghost stories that much.”</p><p>“Does this mean I’m going to be one of the first to read it?” Octavia asks. She has no idea what sort of writer Miller is, but she could use new stories to recap for Niylah so she’s willing to read anything.</p><p>“Exactly,” Miller smiles. “If you’re game.”</p><p>The story is pretty good, in Octavia’s estimation, and she tells him so.</p><p>By the time the story is over, it’s 1000 hours and time for breakfast. Jaha’s injury is the subject of much conversation as Skaikru lines up for their food.</p><p>“I told him not to do that sort of thing when he’s alone,” Raven says, holding her tray and sounding a bit exasperated. She reaches the front of the line, and Kara Cooper – working breakfast duty today - places a plate onto her tray.</p><p>“I take it he’s not great at following orders,” Miller mumbles as he reaches for his plate from Kara.</p><p>“Not his strong suit,” Raven says, with a shake of the head.</p><p>Just as Raven, Miller and Octavia are sitting down to eat, Jackson enters the dinning hall. There has been no change in Jaha’s condition, but Abby has ordered Jackson to get some food and take a break.</p><p>“Here,” Miller says. “Take some of mine, okay?” He breaks off most of the nutrition bar and places it onto Jackson’s plate. The nutrition bars are a new concoction overseen by Kara. They contain soybeans, algae, a sweetener, and a few other ingredients. They are not exactly a taste sensation, but everyone seems to appreciate having a bit of variety. Their supply of dried jerky is almost depleted, and they knew they’d need something to replace it.</p><p>Jackson accepts the food from Miller. Months ago, he was more apt to give some of his food to his boyfriend, rationalizing that Miller walks around more and carries a gun, and thus needs more calories than he. But today Miller strongly feels that Jackson needs some extra food. He looks tired and thin from having worked through the night. Jackson eats quickly, wanting to return to med bay and Jaha.</p><p>And then, moments later, it happens. Kane starts to gasp. “Something’s wrong,” he says. He clutches his throat and gasps again.</p><p>Concerned, Jackson bolts out of his chair, over to Kane. Bellamy reaches for his radio to tell Abby to head to the mess hall. Just as Jackson reaches Kane he, too, starts gasping.</p><p>“I can’t breathe!” Jackson gasps. Miller runs up behind him and helps lower him back onto a chair. Jackson continues to gasp, his eyes wild.</p><p>“What is it?!” Clarke asks, standing up, eyes darting from Kane to Jackson. “Are you choking?”</p><p>“No,” Jackson pants.</p><p>Kane also continues to clutch his throat and gasp. “P-poison?” Kane squeaks out. Clarke is at his side, touching Kane’s forehead, trying to figure out what is happening.</p><p>“Abby, hurry!” Bellamy urges into the radio. He looks around the room. No one else seems to be having the reaction that Kane and Jackson are having. People are standing, watching the commotion, obviously concerned – but only Kane and Jackson are gasping and sweating.</p><p>By the time Abby runs into the mess hall, both Kane and Jackson are unconscious.</p><p>***</p><p>“Tell me everything,” Niylah says, standing before Octavia inside their room.</p><p>“That’s all there is too it,” Octavia says. She matches the urgency in Niylah’s voice, but she truly has no more information to share. “They’re both unconscious now. In med bay, with Abby and Clarke trying to figure out what the hell happened.”</p><p>Niylah starts to pace the room. She repeats what Octavia has told her. “So they started gasping and sweating….Neither was choking on anything. Kane wondered if it was poison before he passed out….And – and they’re the only two, right?”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“And Jaha still needs medical care too – a lot of it. He’s barely stable.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Octavia says. “Bellamy told me that just before I got here. Med bay went from having no patients to three patients. One of them a doctor, which makes this worse.”</p><p>Niylah is quiet as she paces just a bit more. Then she stops. “Octavia,” she says, speaking the word as a complete sentence. “I have to help them. I was trained by Clarke and Abby and Jackson. Now they need me - they need every healer they can get.” She speaks the words with the firmness of steel.</p><p>“No,” Octavia replies. Her answer is swift, instinctive. “A-Abby and Clarke will figure it out. They-“</p><p>“They need another healer!” Niylah exclaims. “We have no idea what caused Kane and Jackson to get sick. Maybe it’s not poison. Maybe it’s floating through the air, and half of Skaikru will come down with it next.” She pauses. “Maybe <strong>you</strong> will get it!” She places a hand on Octavia’s shoulder and says, just a bit more gently now, “My skills are needed. I have to go out and help them. If it means being punished or thrown into a cell later on, then so be it. They need me.”</p><p>Octavia waits just a second or two. She then reaches for Niylah. “No! I won’t let you take the risk, I won’t let them hurt you….” And then she is pulling Niylah closer and pressing her lips against Niylah’s.</p><p>Momentarily stunned, Niylah gasps. Her eyes are wide. She then pulls Octavia against herself and kisses her hard, fervently.</p><p>Niylah’s pulse pounds and her heart throbs. Octavia’s kisses are passionate, delicious, urgent. And Niylah can’t get enough. She opens her mouth more, tasting Octavia’s tongue, tasting her mouth. Niylah is moaning as she runs her fingers through Octavia’s hair.</p><p>And moments later, clothing is rapidly discarded and both women make their way to the bed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
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  <strong>Please let me know what you think. Also - any requests? I have the fic mapped out but I have been known to take requests too.</strong>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Seven</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Miller paces outside of med bay. As he paces, he looks through the clear door, but there’s never much to see. If he cranes his head, he can see exactly what he’s seen for the past 45 minutes. Jackson and Kane each on a bed, hooked up to machines, oxygen tubes near their noses. Abby and Clarke fussing over them, Abby looking as though she hasn’t slept for a day. Jaha’s there too, still unconscious. The word is that although he’s relatively stable for now, he is going to need another operation on his intestines once his vital signs are better.</p><p>There are two other people inside med bay as well. One is Ben, the Ark’s #2 in the hydrofarm. The other is Major Costa. Miller observes Clarke somehow simultaneously tending to the patients and speaking with both Ben and Costa. He once again wonders at Clarke’s ability to balance so much.</p><p>“Hey,” Bellamy walks up to Miller. “How are things?” He puts a hand on Miller’s shoulder.</p><p>“No change. Not that I can see,” Miller says. He takes his eyes off med bay and looks at Bellamy. “I can’t remember the schedule. Am I supposed to be on duty now?”</p><p>“No, you’re fine. You’re supposed to go on duty in two hours, but we got it covered.” Bellamy pauses. “You okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Miller answers quickly. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine.” He forces a smile. “Abby and Clarke will work their magic.”</p><p>“They always do.”</p><p>A moment later, the door to med bay opens, and Clarke exits followed by Major Costa. She looks first at the Major and then at Bellamy. “Bellamy, please accompany Major Costa and arrest Kara Cooper. We do believe that Kane and Jackson were poisoned.”</p><p>“Cooper had the means and the motivation,” Costa adds.</p><p>“How did she do it?” Bellamy asks.</p><p>“Ben tells us that algae strains can be poisonous,” Clarke says. “And with Cooper working breakfast duty, she easily could’ve slipped something into two nutrition bars. And she was the one handing people their plates.”</p><p>Miller takes a breath. He has suspected as much, but now it’s confirmed. “So I thought I was helping Jacks by giving him part of my breakfast. But the poison was meant for me.”</p><p>“That’s our theory,” Clarke says. “That Cooper was out to get the chancellor who made the final decision about who to keep…and the person who benefitted from that decision over her husband.” Her voice turns more tender and she takes a step closer to Miller. “We’ve started dialysis on Jackson and Kane. We’ll keep you posted.”</p><p>Miller nods. Bellamy asks, “Can you give us any sort of prognosis?”</p><p>“Not now,” Clarke says. “It’s just too soon. Let’s see what happens after dialysis.”</p><p>Miller watches Bellamy and Costa head out to arrest Cooper. He knows he should feel infuriated with her, and he does but his mind is taken up mostly with worry over Jackson – and guilt for inadvertently giving him the poisoned food.</p><p>***</p><p>“Wow,” Octavia murmurs.</p><p>For a second she doesn’t realize that she’s spoken out loud. But Niylah giggles, clearly amused by Octavia’s state.</p><p>“Ready for more?” Niylah asks, her voice sounding mischievous.</p><p>“I’m exhausted!” Octavia exclaims. She laughs, “And you know that.”</p><p>“I do,” Niylah smiles. “It was fun trying to wear you out.”</p><p>“You succeeded!”</p><p>The two women are snuggled together atop Octavia’s bed, Octavia on her back and Niylah on her side. Octavia is sweaty, pleasantly exhausted, and savoring the fact that she hasn’t felt this good physically in a long time. She could use a drink of water but isn’t about to break out of this position. She reaches a hand to stroke Niylah’s hair.</p><p>“It’s pretty,” Octavia says, her voice throaty. “Your hair. Makes me think of sunshine.”</p><p>“Yours is beautiful as well. I’ve always found brunettes so….beguiling.”</p><p>Octavia slowly ceases her stroking and relaxes back against the pillow. “Niylah,” she begins, “was this wrong? Did I take advantage of you?”</p><p>“I thought we agreed that neither one of us owes the other,” Niylah says thoughtfully.</p><p>“We did,” Octavia says, looking back up at the ceiling. “I just wanted to make sure you still felt that way.”</p><p>“We decided that we are two women trying to survive this crazy world, that we’d leave it at that.” Niylah pauses, propping her head up with a hand so she can gaze at Octavia. “And if this makes it a bit easier to survive, then so be it.”</p><p>“Good. Because right now I don’t want to leave this bed.”</p><p>“Too much worrying and thinking never helps.” Niylah is quiet for several moments. She then says, “I meant what I said earlier though. Clarke and Abby could probably use my help.”</p><p>Octavia’s voice is stronger and more resolute than Niylah’s. “I meant what I said as well. I won’t let you.” She then adds, “I’ll check with Bellamy. For all we know things are under control in med bay. Maybe they don’t need you now.”</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy radios Clarke that it’s done, Cooper has been placed inside the brig. He then returns to med bay and peers through the door. He’s surprised when Clarke steps out after a minute.</p><p>“How are things?” he asks.</p><p>“No change to Kane or Jackson,” Clarke says, looking back through the door. “But we’re worried about Jaha. We need to do that surgery soon, though we still don’t like his vital signs.” She takes a breath. “You and me and my mom are the only members of the Council who are…not unconscious. We need to tell people something.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. “There’s some talk in the hallways. Not too bad from what Raven and the others tell me. Mostly people are concerned about Kane and Jackson.” He tilts his head. “I can make an announcement that Cooper’s been arrested and share the charges against her. And that she’s going to stay in the brig until the situation in med bay is under more control. I think that’s reasonable.”</p><p>“I agree. Plus it would help reassure people that it’s not anything like…an airborne illness or something they can catch. It’s poison.” She adds, “Although people might never want to eat algae again! But we can work with Ben about what to say about that and how to make sure the algae is safe going forward.”</p><p>“I’ll talk to him.” Bellamy puts a hand on her shoulder. He feels comfortable making physical contact with Clarke, and the look in her eyes right now tells him that she likely welcomes the touch. “How are you?” Bellamy asks softly. “I have what’s left of your breakfast. Though to be safe we disposed of anything that had algae in it.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Clarke says. There is a tenderness and even a vulnerability to her voice that touches Bellamy. “Maybe ask Octavia if she wants the rest of it. I promise I’ll eat dinner tonight but I’m just not hungry now; there’s so much to do.” She lowers her voice. “And we know Octavia needs to feed two people.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. “I’ll offer it to her.” He smiles and meets her eyes, “But I’m holding you to what you just said. You have to eat dinner.”</p><p>Clarke returns his smile. “You’re taking good care of the future mother of your child.”</p><p>Bellamy knows his mouth has opened, and he almost wants to stagger backwards but he stops himself. It just fills him with awe to hear Clarke speak those words. Not that he has ever seen her as someone who needs to be taken care of. “You-you always take such good care of me,” he manages.</p><p>“Thank you for agreeing to do this with me. Life is…short and scary. There’s no one I’d rather parent with than you.”</p><p>“Same,” Bellamy says, and then he’s surprised again as Clarke pulls him into a hug. The hug feels just <em>heavenly</em>, Bellamy thinks, for lack of a better word.</p><p>He dearly hopes they win one of the three spots in the lottery. He has to admit that his hopes are sky-high, but there is no guarantee that they will get a spot.</p><p>They step out of the hug when they hear footsteps. It’s Octavia.</p><p>“Hey,” Octavia says. “I just wanted to check on things. How are our patients?”</p><p>Clarke gives an update and ends with, “I should go back in there now. And force my mom to take a break at some point. She’s so worried about Kane.”</p><p>Octavia’s eyes dart around, even glancing at the floor, as she says, “I bet you wish you had someone else with medical skills to join you.”</p><p>Bellamy instantly detects how wooden and foreign the sentence sounds. He looks from Octavia to Clarke and surmises that all three of them are on the same page.</p><p>“Yeah,” Clarke says. With a first nod she adds, “But we have it under control. We’ll manage.” She adds, pointedly, “No need for anything drastic.”</p><p>Octavia nods, and again Bellamy guesses that the three of them have a tacit understanding.</p><p>“Good,” Octavia says.</p><p>And with that, Clarke returns to med bay, and Bellamy heads out to update Skaikru on Cooper’s arrest.</p><p>***</p><p>By the time dinner rolls around, Miller has no appetite. He looks around their table and it’s half empty. Jackson, Jaha, and Kane are still patients in med bay. Clarke is at the table now alongside Miller, Bellamy, Raven, and Octavia but she’s leaving soon. “I’m taking this to my mother,” she says, gesturing at a plate, “and once she’s done resting we’re going to operate on Jaha. We’re feeling that it’s now or never.”</p><p>Miller nods mutely. He has been getting updates on Jackson all day, but the updates are always the same. Jackson and Kane are still unconscious. Clarke has admitted that their vital signs are “not great” but stable. Jaha is the one who Clarke and Abby are worried about, so Miller is not surprised to hear Clarke say that it’s “now or never” for his surgery.</p><p>Miller looks down at his stew and stirs it with his spoon. A few people approach their table with questions for Bellamy, and Miller listens, glad to have a distraction. None of the questions are urgent or even that important, but Bellamy is more or less acting-chancellor now given that every other member of the Council is in med bay. Miller notes that Bellamy’s doing a great job with their questions, though he’s not surprised at that.</p><p>“What do you think will happen with Cooper?” Raven asks a bit later on.</p><p>Miller still hasn’t taken more than a few bites of stew but he’s eager to hear the discussion. He reminds himself that it might help take his mind off of Jackson’s predicament.</p><p>“I would say there’ll be a trial once the Council is back,” Bellamy says. “The evidence against her is pretty overwhelming. Major Costa also taped some of the things she said when she was taken into custody and a lot of it was…incriminating.”</p><p>“Does she get floated after that?” Octavia asks.</p><p>Miller looks at her. He knows that once the stations landed on the ground, Skaikru no longer treated all crimes as capital crimes. He’s not sure if they ever laid out expected punishments for various crimes though.</p><p>“It’s possible.” Bellamy takes a breath. “Murder is serious business.”</p><p>Miller is jolted at Bellamy’s words, and Bellamy quickly amends his statement. “<strong>Attempted</strong> murder, sorry. Sorry. Attempted murder.”</p><p>Miller exhales. He wants to smile but he can’t force it. “The guilt,” Miller says, shaking his head. “When I’m not scared to death that he’s not going to wake up, I feel horrible that he only ate the damn thing because I offered it to him!”</p><p>Octavia reaches out and places her hand over Miller’s. “What do you think Jackson would say? If he was here?”</p><p>Miller is taken aback at her gesture for a second. He’s always been friendly with Octavia – well, “always” despite a Jobi nut incident between the two of them in their early days – but her tenderness here is perhaps a bit unusual. He looks at her again and wonders if he detects something in her eyes that he hasn’t seen before.</p><p>“Oh, you know what he’d say,” Miller says, and this time his smile is sincere. “He’d say don’t worry about it, my heart was in the right place, that I was right and he did need to eat more. He…” Miller breaks off because he doesn’t want to cry and he’s about to. He guesses the others can see that he’s about to lose it. Bellamy is somehow right there, with a hand on his back.</p><p>“Hey, if you want to skip the after-dinner movie and read me one of your stories, I’m down for that,” Octavia says.</p><p>“Me too,” Bellamy adds. “Besides, the movie is ‘Blood Giant’.” It’s a movie made shortly before the first apocalypse. It did not stand the test of time, and no one seems to like it.</p><p>“Any of your stories is 100 times better than that,” Raven says firmly.</p><p>Miller looks around the table and again smiles sincerely. It’s been brutal since Jackson was poisoned, with every minute feeling more like an hour, but his friends are helping him get through it.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy is woken up by a knock on his door. He glances at the time as he rubs his eyes, and is jolted when he sees it’s only 0300 hours. If someone is knocking at three in the morning, it cannot be good. “Come in!” he calls out, as he sits up.</p><p>It’s Clarke.</p><p>“Clarke!” he says, springing from the bed. “Are you okay? Did…?”</p><p>She looks terrible. She may even have been crying.</p><p>“We lost him,” Clarke says, her voice near a whisper. “Jaha. On the operating table.”</p><p>She is collapsing into his arms and he’s holding her. He brings one of his hands to the back of her head and tries to soothingly stroke her. He murmurs a few soothing words like ‘It’s okay.”</p><p>“What about Kane and Jackson?” Bellamy asks, after a bit.</p><p>“No change,” Clarke manages. She is still clutching Bellamy tightly.</p><p>They remain that way for many long moments. She is trembling slightly and Bellamy wonders if she’s trying to stifle tears. He has to fight his own guilt. He’s the one who shot Jaha over a year ago, messing up his intestines.</p><p>“You can let it out,” he says after a bit. “If you need to cry, then cry.”</p><p>He’s not sure how long they remain holding each other. At some point they find it easier to sit – Clarke might’ve said her legs felt weak – and they move their hug to the bed. Her head is on his shoulder as she keeps grasping onto him. He loves feeling her warmth against him. His heart aches for what she’s going through.</p><p>“It’s funny,” Clarke says at one point. “I wasn’t all that attached to Jaha,” she says, letting out a bemused grunt. “Sometimes it was hard to look at him and to see Wells’ face.” She sniffs and continues, “But…just loosing a patient. In the middle of surgery.”</p><p>“I’m sorry that I never got to really know Wells. Instead I spent the few days I knew him….at odds.” He pauses. “How’s your mom taking it?” Bellamy asks quietly.</p><p>“I basically made her take a sedative,” Clarke says, again with something of a bemused smirk. “She’s mentally and physically exhausted. And Kane and Jackson don’t look likely to wake up anytime soon.” At last she leans out of the hug. She wipes the side of her face. “But I should go back to med bay.”</p><p>“You just left med bay,” Bellamy begins softly. “Don’t you need rest too? I’m not a doctor, but what if I went there? I could call you if any machines start beeping or if anyone starts waking up?”</p><p>“I-I don’t know…”</p><p>“Please let me. I swear I’ll radio if things look the least bit off.” He keeps his voice as firm as he can make it.</p><p>Clarke agrees to Bellamy’s plan. He knows the fact that she doesn’t argue means that she is beyond exhausted. She takes his hand as they walk to her room. Bellamy checks her radio to make sure it’s functioning, and she gives him one last hug before lowering herself to the bed. He stays for just a second longer, feeling relieved at the sight of her gathering the covers about herself.</p><p>Bellamy then heads to med bay. He takes a seat in between Kane and Jackson’s beds and holds onto his radio.</p><p>It was hard seeing Clarke so drained, Bellamy knows. But he’s honored that she went to him. He takes a breath and tries to process all of his emotions. Guilt over shooting Jaha is still there even though he knows he was a different man then. And as much as he wishes he didn’t have the thought right now, a part of him does remind himself that Jaha’s death could mean even less chance of harm coming to Octavia and Niylah should their scheme ever be discovered. Skaikru’s official population is down to 99 now.</p><p>***</p><p>Ever since Octavia had to get out of bed and go about her day, Niylah has wondered what would come next. Octavia had seemed to truly enjoy every minute of their lovemaking.</p><p>Niylah certainly had. After months of spending all day inside one room, having sex with Octavia was thrilling and pleasurable. Niylah loves to give, loves to use every part of herself to help satiate someone else.</p><p>And this someone else was <em>Octavia</em>. The girl under the floor, the Skaikru warrior, Indra’s second. The brave, stunning, fearless, determined young woman. And yes, also the only reason Niylah is alive right now.</p><p>Niylah is no foolish virgin set to fall for the first woman who pays attention to her. She’s not naïve enough to fall for any or every woman who allows her into her bed. But Octavia is extraordinary in every way, Niylah thinks. She was honored to make love to her and would do it again and again if Octavia wants it. Using her hands and her mouth all over Octavia’s body was simply an exquisite experience. Niylah is replaying every moment of the sumptuous experience and wondering what Octavia thinks, how she feels now that she’s had some time to think about what happened.</p><p>Time moves slowly as Niylah waits inside the room. Octavia has told her that today she has a mandatory janitorial shift, then she has time booked with Ben and the farms, and after that she has scheduled training time with Sepetys and a few other young guards. Niylah grabs the last sheet of paper Octavia was able to procure and continues to slowly doodle. When there is no longer an iota of free space on the paper, Niylah decides to meditate again today. She certainly has had more time during the past six months to perform Trikru prayers and meditations than ever before in her life.</p><p>At long last, the door opens and Octavia has returned. Niylah climbs out of the hiding spot. Her heart is beating just a bit too insistently and she wonders what she will see. What will Octavia say? Will Octavia view their encounter as a one-time thing?</p><p>She doesn’t have to wonder too long. Octavia is grinning and saying, “Hi. I missed you.”</p><p>“Missed you too.”</p><p>Octavia pulls Niylah into her arms and gives her a deep, passionate kiss.</p><p>***</p><p>A couple of days go by and the business of running Skaikru continues.</p><p>As Clarke and Abby catch up on a bit of sleep, Bellamy announces Jaha’s death to the group and the fact that they will fill his seat on the Council. He asks every member of Skaikru to think about whether or not they want to run for the seat. He says they will hold the election in two weeks, in order to allow people to consider whether or not they want to run, and in the hopes that Kane will emerge from his coma by then.</p><p>Bellamy also informs Skaikru that once they have a full Council again, they will begin Kara Cooper’s trial. She will continue to be held inside the brig. Ben briefly addresses the group too and reassures them that the hydrofarm is running smoothly, and that his apprentices are continuing to perform well. They are not worried about the food supply. He talks about the safety protocols they have in place to ensure no more poisoned algae.</p><p>A brief memorial service is held for Jaha. Abby, Bellamy, and Clarke debated whether or not to wait for Kane to reawaken but decided to move forward. They just don’t know when – or if – Kane and Jackson will emerge from their comas. Jaha’s body will later be incinerated.</p><p>***</p><p>Miller sits through the memorial a bit glassy-eyed. He alternates between trying to tune it out and trying to be present. He tries to make himself breathe. Octavia sits next to him and holds his hand at one point.</p><p>
  <em>Is this it? Are we gonna be back here tomorrow or next week for Jackson’s memorial? Or is he gonna stay in that coma forever? It’s been two days now. Forty-eight full hours since he ate that poison that was meant for me.</em>
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  <em>Was I fucking crazy to let myself fall in love again in this world where people just keep dying?</em>
</p><p>When the service is over, he returns to med bay. When Miller’s not on duty, Clarke and Abby have been allowing him to sit inside med bay, holding Jackson’s hand and talking to him. Clarke has told him that it’s fully possible that Jackson can hear him, on some level.</p><p>It’s hard. Holding Jackson’s limp hand. Looking at his face, his eyes closed, breathing tube at his nose, IV line in his other arm. His hair is a bit askew so Miller reaches a hand and combs it with his fingers. The corners of Miller’s lips turn up. Jackson’s hairline is starting to recede a bit, and Miller knows his own hairline has been doing the same. He knows it’s normal but he has to wonder how much of it was caused by the stress of the past year.</p><p>Abby comes up behind him and puts a hand on Miller’s shoulder. “Go to bed, Nathan,” she says. “Get some sleep.”</p><p>“I can’t. My bed’s too big.”</p><p>“Try anyway. I’ll radio you if anything changes.”</p><p>Miller nods and stands up. Something about Abby Griffin is – well, just like Clarke. She must be obeyed. He ensures his radio is attached to his belt and goes. The walk to his room is lonely and solemn.</p><p>Miller wasn’t lying though. The bed has felt enormous ever since Jackson fell ill. He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling for far too long.</p><p>But somehow, somewhere along the way he must have drifted off. Vaguely he hears static and the voice of Clarke Griffin. As he reaches for his radio, he thinks that she has perhaps been trying to reach him for a little while. “Miller! Miller come in!”</p><p>“Sorry….uh, Miller here,” he manages, pressing the button.</p><p>“Jackson’s awake!”</p><p>Miller bolts out of his room and down the hallway, not bothering to put shoes on, not caring that he’s clad in boxer shorts, a T-shirt, and socks. He ignores the look of the guard walking the halls as he continues to scramble towards med bay.</p><p>And then, moments later, he’s holding him. Jackson is weak and Miller is careful to cradle him gently. “Hey, baby,” Jackson manages, his voice faint.</p><p>“Hey. You gave us a scare,” Miller says. He is trembling with relief and joy.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Kane follows about six hours after Jackson. Both men spend a day or so feeling groggy and ill, but they go on to make a full recovery.</p><p>Raven decides to run for Jaha’s old seat on the Council. Two others, one of whom is Major Costa, also run for the seat but Raven wins the election by a decent margin. Her friends celebrate with her; they don’t have many conventional party trappings but they toast her with their water, and Bellamy and Miller offer to carry her around on their shoulders for a spell. (Raven declines).</p><p>Once the Council is back up to five members, they turn their attention to Kara Cooper’s trial. It’s brief. The evidence is damning, and Costa has her on tape speaking words that leave little doubt that she is guilty of attempted murder as well as tampering with the food supply.</p><p>***</p><p>With a guilty verdict in Cooper’s case, the Council sits inside the meeting room to determine her punishment.</p><p>“She’s guilty of two counts of attempted murder and tampering with the food supply,” Kane begins. “There’s a strong case for capital punishment.”</p><p>“The human race is down to 99 people though,” Bellamy says. “I can’t say that I’m eager to conduct an execution.”</p><p>“Well, no one is,” Clarke says. Her voice is gentle and grave. “But this is really serious. The crimes are bad enough on their own, but especially now…<em>attempted murder</em> when humanity is down to 99 people.”</p><p>“And tampering with our food supply when our food supply is absolutely critical,” Raven adds. “We can’t exactly go outside and forage for more.”</p><p>“Still though,” Abby speaks up, “the idea of conducting an execution feels wrong to me. So many of our people have already died.”</p><p>“Keeping Cooper alive would mean wasting food on an attempted murderer though,” Clarke says quietly.</p><p>“What if we sentence her to life imprisonment instead?” Bellamy asks. “That way we’d accomplish three things. We’d keep her from being able to harm anyone else. We’d punish her – since a lifetime in the brig has to be almost as bad as death. And it would serve as a deterrent to others.” He pauses and adds, “We could also reduce her rations. She won’t need as many calories if she’s spending all day in the brig. And – well, that would also certainly serve as punishment.” His voice is forceful but calm.</p><p>Clarke looks at Bellamy and tilts her head. “I came in here thinking that putting Cooper to death was the just decision. But you make a lot of good points.”</p><p>The Council continues to discuss the issue more and they ultimately agree with Bellamy’s proposal. When the meeting is concluded, Clarke and Bellamy remain inside the room together.</p><p>“You were very persuasive,” Clarke says.</p><p>The past few days, taken up with the trial and sentencing, have not been easy ones and Bellamy notes that Clarke looks as weary as he himself must look.</p><p>Clarke continues, “You made your points really well. You….you do a good job thinking with both your heart and your head.”</p><p>“Thank you. You too,” he says sincerely. “And hey,” he says, gently placing a hand on her arm, “I know we didn’t go in there agreeing. But….you seem okay with that.” He takes a breath. “I was thinking that if we’re lucky enough to become parents, we won’t always agree either.”</p><p>Clarke nods. “You’re right. I’m glad we handled disagreeing well today.” She smiles and shakes her head, “Because despite all the planning and discussing we’ve been doing, we’re bound to disagree on 100 other things when we have this kid. If we have this kid,” she corrects herself.</p><p>“Let’s hope it is when and not <em>if</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>And then suddenly it’s 48 hours until the day of the lottery. The lottery to determine which three couples will be chosen to become parents. As of right now, four couples total have declared that they want to enter the lottery. Clarke and Bellamy are one of the couples. Four couples entering the lottery to win three available spots.</p><p>Clarke and Bellamy have casually been speaking with other people during the past few weeks, trying to gage if anyone else will declare their intent to enter the lottery. No one else seems to feel that it’s the right time in their life yet, so it’s looking like the lottery will result in three happy couples and one having to wait and hope for next year.</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke are in the gym, playing a rather tame game of soccer with Octavia and two members of the guard. Raven is sitting off to the side, trying to repair a gadget. Abby is there too, sitting next to Raven, mending an old garment, chatting with Raven, and cheering on Clarke.</p><p>The game wraps up, and Bellamy reaches for a towel to mop his brow. Clarke comes up to him, says “Good game”, and her hand lingers on his back as she says the words. He grins back at her. “You too,” he says.</p><p>Cadet Sepetys then enters the gym. Her eyes seem to scan the room as soon as she steps through it. Bellamy takes note of her entrance right away. Sepetys and her friend Aaron are one of the four couples who have said they will enter the lottery.</p><p>“Hey,” Sepetys begins, a nervous smile on her face. “Uh, I see we have four of the five members of the Council here.”</p><p>“Yes,” Abby says, putting her sewing aside and standing up. “Is something wrong, Cadet?”</p><p>“No,” the young woman answers simply. She looks from Clarke to Bellamy to Raven to Abby. “I just wanted to let you know that Aaron and I won’t be entering the lottery after all. We had a good, long talk and we decided we’re just not ready.” She pauses. “Maybe next year. Or the year after.”</p><p>“Okay,” Clarke says. Her voice sounds professional. “We’ll make a note of it.”</p><p>Sepetys nods and leaves the gym.</p><p>Bellamy’s heart pounds. He looks at Clarke. She’s breaking out in a grin and he can’t help but to mirror it. He reaches for her as she reaches for him. As they hug, Bellamy is dimly aware that Abby and Octavia are standing off to the side, both smiling broadly as well.</p><p>A lot can happen in the next 48 hours. Another woman or couple might step forward. Sepetys and Aaron might change their minds again.</p><p>But if nothing changes then Clarke and Bellamy are assured one of the three spots. They will be allowed to try to have a baby.</p><p>“Can we just move up the lottery to right now?” Octavia asks. She sounds pretty much as eager to have a niece or nephew as Abby is to have a grandchild. “Can we just make an announcement at dinner and ask if anyone objects?”</p><p>“It’s tempting, O,” Bellamy says. He and Clarke are still hugging. “It’s tempting.”</p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Eight</strong>
</p><hr/><p>“Twenty four hours till the lottery. It’s hard to keep waiting.”</p><p>Bellamy speaks the words to Miler. Miller is on duty now, and Bellamy walks with him as he does his rounds, walking the corridors.</p><p>“Haven’t heard anyone else say they want to enter,” Miller says. “So you and Clarke should be clear. Three couples for three spots.”</p><p>“You never know though,” Bellamy says. “Sepetys and Aaron could say they want back in. Or another duo might come up.”</p><p>“I can’t even think of anyone else who has seemed interested though,” Miller says with a small shake of his head.</p><p>“Well…” and Bellamy runs down the list, going through most of Skaikru’s population, listing out almost everyone who is younger than Abby and Kane.</p><p>At one point, Miller chuckles.</p><p>“What?” Bellamy asks, though the edges of his lips curl up a bit.</p><p>“Just thinking about the lengths some people go to. To find a way to get together without saying that they like each other.”</p><p>Bellamy apparently is in more of a teasing than analytical mood right now. He’s clearly not about to open his heart to Miller. “We can’t all have perfect relationships like you and Jackson,” he jokes.</p><p>“Apparently not,” Miller says, giving it right back to him.</p><p>Miller doesn’t mind the teasing. He’s just so grateful that Jackson is okay. He remembers the hours after Jackson woke up from the coma. Miller remained by his side holding his hand until Abby told both men that Jackson needed rest and reminded him not to talk or exert himself too much. Once Jackson was released from med bay, he took it easy for a few days at Abby’s insistence. Miller brought him food and even gave him a sponge bath so he wouldn’t have to exert himself in the shower. Jackson had giggled, ‘You’re such a good nurse.’ Miller had smiled, ‘A new job for me someday.’ Jackson would insist on getting exercise, and they’d walk the hallways a bit, with Jackson holding onto Miller. Mostly they hung out inside their room, Miller holding the old tablet and reading from his latest stories to Jackson.</p><p>He and Bellamy are quiet for a few moments as they walk, and then Miller asks Bellamy, “Hey, crazy idea. If a fourth couple does decide to enter the lottery….can’t you just decide to allow four couples to go forward with the baby thing instead of three?”</p><p>Bellamy is silent for a second, so Miller continues, “I mean, hell, you and Clarke and Abby are three-fifths of the Council. And I’m sure Kane and Raven would agree anyway. So why not? Who’s to stop you?”</p><p>“We’ve thought about it,” Bellamy says, with a shrug that might be forced. “We like to stick to our word though. We said three. Our farms and air filters are doing well but…what if we’re wrong? We thought three was a good, conservative number to start with.” He pauses. “If all goes well, maybe next year we can allow more than three spots. So if Clarke and I don’t get a place this year….” He lets his voice trail off.</p><p>“Makes sense,” Miller allows. “Well, let’s just hope then. That no one else enters the lottery. And let’s just hope that you and Clarke get out of denial about your feelings for each other by the time the kid says ‘Mama’!”</p><p>Bellamy throws Miller a look, and Miller responds with a grin.</p><p>***</p><p>“Are you doing too much of the work? Sometimes I feel like I’m just laying on my back the whole time.”</p><p>Niylah smiles as Octavia says the words. Niylah knows she has been doing a lot of smiling lately.</p><p>“Kind of hot, isn’t it?” Niylah murmurs. “You on your back and me tending to your every need…”</p><p>“Am I that bad?” Octavia groans, tilting her head back against the pillow.</p><p>“Bad? I’m enjoying every second of it.” Niylah then takes a breath and adds, seriously now, “But anytime you want to mix things up, I’m ready and willing. We certainly have the time.”</p><p>“Good,” Octavia says. She turns over just a bit so she can more easily stroke Niylah’s arm. “Someday then.”</p><p>Niylah looks down for a few seconds, debating whether or not to ask the question. She decides to just ask it. “Do you miss…any aspects of being with a man?” Her voice is soft and serious.</p><p>Octavia is apparently not having the more somber tone Niylah is taking. “Were you paying attention during all the orgasms I’ve been having? The answer is no, I don’t miss anything!” she answers with a hearty laugh.</p><p>“Just had to ask,” Niylah says, tilting her head. “I wondered.”</p><p>“Well….stop wondering,” Octavia says and raises her eyebrows in a look that can be described as almost goofy. Niylah looks at the expression on her face and surmises that it harkens back to the 16 year old Octavia who first set foot on earth just over a year ago – or the even younger Octavia who daringly went to a masquerade party and paid dearly for it. Niylah has only heard about this Octavia, first from Clarke and lately from Octavia herself. Although life on the Ark is full of sorrow now – and still contains peril as Kara Cooper has proven – it’s much easier than it had been before Praimfaya. Niylah now knows all of what Octavia went through since her boots first touched the earth. If nothing else, these past few months have been so much easier that perhaps they’ve allowed shades of the younger, more carefree Octavia to emerge again.</p><p>Niylah guesses it would be prideful to assume that she herself has had anything to do with that.</p><p>Later, both women are dressed and are sitting at Octavia’s desk, working on a puzzle from Mount Weather. The pieces are soft and its colors are faded but the puzzle is enjoyable. Niylah no longer cares in the slightest when she uses a puzzle or wears a piece of clothing that came from the Mountain. They tried to exterminate her people, and they themselves were exterminated. Niylah can almost smile at the knowledge that she herself has outlasted every single one of the hated Mountain Men.</p><p>But speaking of surviving, Niylah has another question to ask Octavia. “I still wonder,” she begins, “if I can…come out. Of this room. Jaha’s dead. Cooper’s on reduced rations. The lottery to see which three couples will be allowed to have babies is taking place tomorrow. Skaikru has the room for one more person….it’s quite clear.”</p><p>Octavia doesn’t meet her eyes, keeping her gaze focused on the puzzle. “I still worry,” she says.</p><p>“Every member of the Council is…a friend.” Niylah runs down the list, her voice insistent now, “The Council is made up of your brother, the woman he plans to have a child with – who was also a good friend of mine, her mother, your brother’s friend Raven, and Kane who has been something of an uncle to you and Bellamy. I just can’t see that they’d…float us for what we’ve done.”</p><p>“It’s everyone else I’m worried about,” Octavia admits, twirling a puzzle piece in her fingers. “What if the Council agrees to let you just live among us, and people get angry? Their friends and relatives were left outside to die. And you know what Cooper did. There’s plenty of crazy on this Ark.”</p><p>“There are so few people though…I think the guard can control them.” She shakes her head. “I can’t think that more than one or two bad apples like Cooper is really going to even care if I’m let out.” She then adds, “And you said it yourself that people are so bored that they are writing their own plays and making music. Maybe having a new person to interact with might…spice up their lives a bit.”</p><p>Octavia is silent for several moments as she continues to twirl the puzzle piece. She doesn’t meet Niylah’s eyes. “It’s too risky. I don’t want to take that chance.” She pauses and looks at Niylah. “I’m not going to risk losing you.” She brushes a strand of Niylah’s hair to the side and pulls Niylah in for a kiss.</p><p>Niylah eagerly returns the kiss. Octavia is not wrong, Niylah tells herself – there definitely would be a risk if Niylah made her presence known. And now that Octavia is her lover, Niylah certainly has much more to look forward to than she did before. She could even say that her days have more contentment and joy than she’d ever expected.</p><p>But staying cooped up inside this room is starting to grate on Niylah as well.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“So just a reminder, everyone. Tomorrow right before breakfast, we’ll hold the lottery. Are there any questions?”</p><p>Abby makes the announcement at dinner. Skaikru listens but no one asks questions. Those who had questions have already asked them, weeks ago.</p><p>When the Council had met earlier today, they’d considered adding something onto the announcement, words to the effect of ‘As of right now we only have three entrants, so let us know if you want to be added.’ But they decided to leave it alone – and hope that no one else comes forward.</p><p><em>It’s going to be a long 17 hours</em>, Bellamy tells himself. Clarke meets his gaze and smiles at him. Her expression gives him a pleasant buzz of happiness. But then he muses how hard it will be if, 17 hours from now, she’s frowning because someone else has entered the lottery. And they’ve failed to win one of the three coveted spots.</p><p>After the evening’s movie, Clarke and Bellamy walk together to their rooms.</p><p>“If all goes well, we’ll be moving in together tomorrow,” Clarke says.</p><p>Bellamy can’t help but to smile and he knows his heart is dancing a bit. “Let’s hope.” He pauses. “I’m really hoping that no one sleeps on it tonight and decides that they are ready to become a parent after all.”</p><p>“Well, even if they do…we still have decent odds of winning one of the spots.”</p><p>Bellamy looks at her. “You seem cheery.”</p><p>“I’m gonna be optimistic right now. It can’t hurt.”</p><p>“You’re right.”</p><p>They hug outside of Bellamy’s room and he enters it. They’ve been doing a lot of hugging lately and he is glad for it. But as he undresses for bed, he asks himself how well he’s going to be able to sleep tonight. Getting under the covers, he reminds himself that he’s had plenty of sleepless nights in his lifetime. As the minutes plod by and he’s still awake, he starts making a mental list. He has spent nights worrying about Octavia (which he still does now, but not nearly as much). He has spent nights missing his mother, worrying about getting floated for shooting Jaha, agonizing over how to run a group of 100 delinquents, fearing attacks by grounders….The list goes on. It’s too long and he hasn’t even gotten to Mount Weather yet. But Bellamy reminds himself that his current preoccupation is small and some might say trivial. He wants no one else to enter the lottery tomorrow, he wants to get the chance to…make a baby – for lack of a better term – with Clarke. He wants this so badly and he wants it more than he can remember wanting anything else.</p><p>The hours meander by, and at long last Bellamy falls asleep.</p><p>***</p><p>In the morning, Clarke is there at the usual time; they often walk to breakfast together. And today, Abby and Kane are with her too. As they walk, Bellamy has to smile. He knows Abby and Kane’s presence simply indicates that this is a special day, but he almost envisions Abby saying ‘Now go win this lottery so you can make a baby with my daughter!’</p><p>In any case, Bellamy is glad to see Abby and Kane looking happy and having something to look forward to. He knows that the loss of Jaha still hurts them - especially Abby since it was on her operating table that he died. If the prospect of becoming grandparents gives them something to take their mind off of that, then Bellamy is happy for it.</p><p>“Has anyone heard anything?” Kane asks as they head for the mess hall. He adds to clarify, though it’s not needed, “About anyone else entering the lottery?”</p><p>The answers are a chorus of “no’s”. Abby adds, “We just have to keep in mind that we don’t know what to expect. Someone might speak up at the last minute and decide they want in. Strange things can happen.”</p><p>“I know,” Clarke says.</p><p>“I’d thought life here was getting fairly….dull,” Kane adds glumly. “And then Kara Cooper happened.”</p><p>Abby takes Kane’s hand and says, “Just to remind us not to take anything for granted. I’m so glad you’re okay.”</p><p>“I had the best doctor taking care of me.”</p><p>Bellamy looks at Clarke and sees that her facial expression mirrors his. And perhaps she subconsciously mirrors her mother as she reaches for Bellamy’s hand and holds it. He’s glad to hold it and hopes his palm isn’t damp.</p><p>The quartet enters the mess hall. They take their seats at their table and wait for the rest of Skaikru to filter in. Most folks arrive promptly at mealtimes; most stomachs are fairly insistent by the time they are allowed to eat. The rest of the group that dines at Bellamy’s table – Octavia, Miller, Jackson, and Raven – soon arrives and sits with them. They chat a bit about inconsequential things, and Bellamy tries to lose himself in the conversation. The small team that wrote up a play says they plan to put on their first production in two weeks, and Miller chats animatedly about what he’s heard of it. “At first they said it was going to be a tragedy, but yesterday Matossi said it’ll be a drama, not a tragedy,” Miller adds. “I just don’t want a sad ending.”</p><p>“Who does?” Raven adds.</p><p>As soon as Bellamy glances at the time and sees it switch from 0959 hours to 1000 hours, he exchanges a glance with Clarke and then with Kane. As chancellor, Kane stands up.</p><p>“Alright,” Kane addresses the group. His tone is serious but with a bit of happiness since this is a pleasant topic. “It’s time for the lottery. As of last evening, three couples have officially entered the lottery for the three spots. So,” he says, spreading his arms, “do we have any other entrants?”</p><p>Bellamy is almost afraid to look around the room but he does. He wills people to remain quiet and stay in their seats. He forces himself to take a breath. He looks at Clarke.</p><p>“No?” Kane asks, and then waits another beat or two. He then smiles. “Alright, we’re set then.” He names Clarke and Bellamy and the two other couples and tells them to report to med bay after breakfast to have their implants removed.</p><p>A few people cheer, though the cheers are somewhat restrained. Miller slaps Bellamy on the back, and their table joins the rest of Skaikru to line up for their food.</p><p>Once the group has their trays and is seated back down, the discussion turns to some of the most pleasant topics they’ve had since Praimfaya. Clarke reminds the group that they aren’t out of the woods yet; they have no idea if she and Bellamy will run into fertility problems. “Not everyone is able to just…make a baby,” Clarke says insistently. “And sometimes it can take a while.”</p><p>“Okay,” Abby says, “I won’t start knitting baby clothes yet.”</p><p>Bellamy can’t help but to grin.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“Take it easy the rest of the day. Doctor’s orders.”</p><p>Abby gives these orders to Clarke and Bellamy once both of their implants are successfully removed. The procedure was, from Bellamy’s perspective, fairly quick and simple. He and Clarke have now been officially released from med bay but told “no lifting, no strenuous activity – nothing but rest” for the remainder of the day.</p><p>“Fine,” Clarke says, fastening her jacket. “But we are moving in together, like we planned.”</p><p>“Get Miller or someone to help you with anything heavy,” Abby orders.</p><p>“Come on, Mom,” Clarke says with a smile. “Bellamy doesn’t have anything other than clothes and two overdue library books.”</p><p>“Three,” Bellamy says, unable to resist joking a bit. “And they’re not overdue – although we don’t have a librarian so we’re completely on the honor system. But Clarke, let’s listen to your mom. Never in my life have I been ordered to relax before. I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.”</p><p>“Fine. Maybe we can head to my room – our room now – put our feet up and ask someone to read to us.”</p><p>Jackson steps in, “The group that’s working on the play is doing a rehearsal before dinner. You could watch them,” he offers.</p><p>Clarke and Bellamy exchange a look. “I don’t know,” Bellamy says. “I kind of want to be surprised on opening night.” He looks at Jackson, “But if Miller has any new stories that he wants to share, we’re up for that.”</p><p>***</p><p>“I just wish they’d come out and say it. Admit their feelings to each other. Is Clarke gonna be in labor before they say it?”</p><p>Miller makes the remark to Jackson as the two men sit on the bed inside their room. All birth control implants have been removed and Jackson is taking a break, radio perched on the nightstand in case anyone needs him. The procedures all went very smoothly though.</p><p>Miller was hoping that Jackson might smile at the sarcastic comment, but the doctor appears to be in a pensive mood. “Not admitting how they feel about each other must be doing something for them. They’re protecting themselves, I guess,” Jackson says.</p><p>Silent for a few moments, Miller then places a hand on Jackson’s thigh. “So…are we idiots then? For not protecting ourselves?” Miller’s voice is gentle. “Seeing you in that coma…it was horrible. Not knowing if you’d ever wake up.”</p><p>“I guess that’s just the risk we take. We have to believe that it’s all worth it in the end. It’s hard to go through life alone.” Jackson takes a breath. “But listen – I need to tell you something. I’m angry at Cooper. Like horribly angry.”</p><p>“I figured as much. You pulverized that punching bag in our last session.” Miller shakes his head. “You sure didn’t seem like a man who’d been in a coma recently.”</p><p>“I keep asking myself…what if she had succeeded? She meant to get you, not me. What if you and Kane had died?” He pauses. “I can’t go anywhere near that brig because part of me wants to throttle her. Doesn’t that go against everything I was taught? I’ve always tried to be peaceful.”</p><p>“I think it’s okay to be angry,” Miller says with a shrug. “I was furious at the people inside Mount Weather. They wanted me dead. I stood there while Jasper hacked one of them with an ax.” He’s quite for several moments. He then adds, “Probably is best if you avoid that brig though.”</p><p>“Well, you know, some folks are arguing that Cooper should get counseling.” Jackson turns his gaze to look out the window as he talks. “Randall and I are the only people who have experience as therapists. I’m obviously not going to do it….and part of me wants to tell Randall not to waste his time.” He takes a breath. “I know that’s not my call though.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know about that counseling situation,” Miller says thoughtfully. “But she’s not gonna get executed, so maybe if it can someday make her be a less-evil person. Rehabilitation and all that. I don’t know….” He lets his voice trail off. And then he waits a bit before gently patting Jackson’s leg. “But I still say it’s totally normal and okay to be angry. You know, just take it out on a good target. Like you did with that punching bag yesterday.”</p><p>Jackson nods. Miller keeps looking at him. He wonders if Jackson is afraid of this new side of himself – and if Miller himself should be afraid of this new development too.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Moving in together was as easy and uneventful as Clarke had promised her mother it would be. Octavia insisted on helping carry Bellamy’s belongings from his room to Clarke’s, and it is now official. Bellamy and Clarke share a room.</p><p>Her room is identical to the one he left, other than the fact that it’s flipped so the window is on the other side. Not that any window provides much of a view nowadays. The desert landscape is uniform and barren. Sometimes there are sandstorms, other time there is just wind, and other times it’s stagnant. But as far as the eye can see, it’s all sand and dust and the color beige. At least when the Ark was in space there were views of stars, the sun, the blue and green planet. The only beautiful views now, Bellamy thinks, are those of Clarke herself and the drawings she creates.</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke hold to the promise they made Abby today. They spend the rest of the day quietly, Clarke working on some drawings while Bellamy reads. Their friends and family stop by periodically to make sure they are okay.</p><p>“How <strong>do</strong> you feel?” Bellamy asks Clarke once Abby has finished making her housecall. “I know you told your mom you were fine but I just wanted to check.”</p><p>“I meant it,” Clarke says. “Maybe a bit more tired than I’d usually be – and definitely not up to any combat training right now. But I’m fine.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. He had truthfully told Abby that he felt a bit sore but was otherwise well. By the time he and Clarke head to the mess hall for dinner and the daily movie, Bellamy tells the others that he’s feeling good and the soreness is gone.</p><p>Sitting next to Clarke during the movie, Bellamy wishes the film would hurry up and finish. It seems to be progressing even more slowly than the first time he saw it. Bellamy thinks about what will happen after the movie. He and Clarke will return to their room. They will share one bed.</p><p>He knows nothing else will occur besides sleeping. Abby told them that it can take days or weeks for the implants’ effectiveness to wear off so they shouldn’t expect to be able to conceive anytime soon. Bellamy isn’t sure if he’s relieved or disappointed. But he reasons that this gives him more time to get used to things like sleeping in the same bed as Clarke and showering in the same shower. Getting dressed in the same room. And getting undressed.</p><p>It will just become normal, Bellamy tells himself as he and Clarke walk towards their room. Routine. Nothing to worry about.</p><p>“I’m ready for bed,” Clarke announces once the door closes. “Raven offered to take my kitchen shift tomorrow morning but I feel fine.”</p><p>“May as well get some sleep so you’re good and ready for it,” Bellamy says, nodding.</p><p>“So, uh…what do you usually wear to bed?”</p><p>“Just my shorts. Unless I’m cold. But, uh, I have sweatpants and T-shirts.” Bellamy knows he’s stating the obvious now. “I could wear more if you’d like.”</p><p>“No, that’s fine – I was just wondering,” Clarke says. “I usually just wear a T-shirt and my underwear. Did you want me to cover up more?”</p><p>“No. Do whatever makes you comfortable.” Bellamy says the words but has to admit that just hearing Clarke refer to her undergarments is sparking a reaction in him. <em>Aren’t I supposed to be sore and recovering from minor surgery??</em> he asks himself.</p><p>“Okay. So, uh, should we turn off the light and get to bed?”</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be good.”</p><p>Clarke switches the light off. As per usual, a dim emergency light near the floor then switches on so that the room isn’t plunged into pitch darkness. If one thing on the Ark could’ve been termed a success, Bellamy would say these emergency lights have always deserved a shout-out. They cast a warm glow over the room. The window screen is up too, but it’s dark outside without any moonlight, so he appreciates the gentle glow from the emergency lights even more.</p><p>Without further ado, he and Clarke undress and slip under the covers. Bellamy adjusts himself so that he’s as far to one side as he can be without falling off. He settles in and tries to sleep. He tells his mind to calm down, his body to calm down, and tries to think placid thoughts.</p><p>“You sleep on your stomach?”</p><p>Clarke asks the question after a minute or two. Bellamy can only describe her tone as playful.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, turning his head to face her. “What, why’s it funny?”</p><p>“Nothing. It’s just…doesn’t it hurt your back?”</p><p>“No. It’s comfortable,” Bellamy says. He returns Clarke’s light tone; he’s bemused that she’s even asking.</p><p>“But…having to sleep face down with your head turned to one side…that puts strain on your neck. And your shoulders. It strains your spine…” She sounds sincerely worried.</p><p>“What, are you worried our kid is gonna grow up with a curved spine?” Bellamy laughs. “I don’t think sleeping positions are genetic.”</p><p>“I don’t know, I just want you to be comfortable.”</p><p>And suddenly, Clarke is there, right next to Bellamy. She has moved herself to ‘his’ side of the bed.</p><p>“Should we practice?” she asks simply.</p><p>Clarke asks the question, and Bellamy tries to absorb what his ears just heard.</p><p>“P-practice not sleeping on our stomachs?” he stumbles out.</p><p>“No. Practice making a baby. I know the hormones from the implants are still in our system but…well, sometimes I’ve found that it’s awkward the first time with a new partner. It takes a while to get into a rhythm.”</p><p>He slowly turns onto his side so he faces her directly. He truly does not know if it was hard for her to make this offer or not. He knows that despite his not-insubstantial sexual experience, he would just tremble at the idea of asking Clarke if she wanted to have sex. And his emotions are wrecking havoc through his system right now so he can’t really pick up on how she feels or what signs she’s giving. He can detect that she made the request somewhat straightforwardly and she seems confident – but again, with his heart beating so loudly right now, he has no idea if her confidence is faked or not. He’s too awed at what his ears just heard.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says simply. “It never works the way it does in the movies. It can take a while before two people really get it down.” He makes himself take a breath. “We could start practicing.”</p><p>“If you’re not too sore.”</p><p>“I’m not.” And then he forces out a joke, “And laying on my stomach for a few minutes didn’t hurt my back that much, thank goodness.”</p><p>Clarke giggles at that. Bellamy again takes a second to process that. <em>She giggles.</em></p><p>“Should we start by practicing kissing?” Clarke asks. She is slowly repositioning herself so that she’s leaning into Bellamy, as he is gently nudged onto his back.</p><p>“It’s not necessary for the conception of a baby,” Bellamy says. “But it might help facilitate the act.”</p><p>“You sound like one of my medical textbooks,” Clarke says.</p><p>“Do you find that hot?” Again Bellamy has no idea how these words are coming out of his mouth or what Clarke’s reaction will be. But he thinks her reaction will be positive.</p><p>It is. “Yes,” she says firmly.</p><p>And with that, she places her lips over his.</p><p>Bellamy cannot believe this is happening. As Clarke’s lips and tongue dance with his own, he starts to feel almost lightheaded. True – yes – they had decided earlier that the conception would not take place inside med bay. So the logical conclusion is that something like <em>this</em> would happen sooner or later. But Bellamy still cannot believe it’s happening. He sincerely wonders, for a second or two, whether any of the drugs he was given today contain hallucinogenic properties.</p><p>The kissing intensifies. Bellamy is slow with his hands, careful not to grab. He does bring one of his hands behind Clarke’s neck and shoulders. The other he gingerly begins to allow to roam, and she doesn’t seem to object. In fact, she seems to enjoy doing some touching of her own in between and during her passionate kisses. She moves her mouth a bit, placing kisses on his chin and his neck.</p><p>“Can I lick you?” he whispers. He doesn’t know if this might cross a line but he tries to listen to what his heart is telling him and what all of Clarke’s signals so far seem to be saying.</p><p>Clarke seems to hesitate now though. She leans back a bit.</p><p>“What is it?” he asks gently. “Oh wait…female orgasm isn’t required for conception? Is that why you’re hesitating?”</p><p>“No,” Clarke laughs. “I mean, yes you’re right but. It’s – uh- just that I’ve only been with a man a few times before and I never really mastered blowjobs. I’m terrible at it. And, uh, I’d hate to not be able to reciprocate.”</p><p>“Well, we did say we’re just practicing, right? So how about we file blowjobs under ‘advanced’ and not worry about reciprocating today? Or even next week. We have plenty of time to get to the advanced level.”</p><p>Bellamy is somewhere between thrilled, awed, and shocked at Clarke’s reaction. She clearly loves his idea. She swiftly gets rid of her shirt and panties, and repositions herself so that she lies on her back.</p><p>Bellamy is in ecstasy from that point forward. And yes, he’s done this plenty of times before with plenty of women. But it’s Clarke who he’s kissing now, it is her breasts that he’s licking and sucking, her stomach he’s nuzzling as he makes his way down to her core so he can begin pleasuring her. And then it is Clarke’s thighs surrounding him as he touches her with his tongue and lips. Clarke groans and grunts, whispers and sighs words of encouragement, as he brings her to orgasm.</p><p>The rest of the night is equally delicious. When she lets him know that she’s good, he asks her if she wants to ride him. She does, so they move into a new position where he’s on his back now. Bellamy warns Clarke that he’s really, really aroused and he might not last long - she tells him that she’s glad and that he’s welcome to come as fast as he wants. For Bellamy it’s almost too overwhelming as he looks up at Clarke, watching her move on top of him, her hands entwined with his. His warning is apt and he doesn’t last much longer.</p><p>“Not bad for a first run,” Clarke says, moments later. They are nestled together, her hand stroking his face.</p><p>“I agree,” Bellamy manages. He’s still a bit out of breath. “But still we should practice.”</p><p>“Oh, absolutely. As often as possible.”</p><p>When Bellamy drifts off to sleep, his mind is blown. He can’t believe how well it went. All the kisses they shared. The fact that she really seemed into him, didn’t seem at all like this was a chore that she was doing so she could become a mother someday.</p><p>He is astounded.</p><p>***</p><p>“So…you two know that you’re <em>glowing</em>, right?”</p><p>“Miller,” Bellamy warns.</p><p>Miller has managed to be right outside the meeting room when the Council gets out of its daily, post-breakfast meeting. He has one arm around Bellamy and one around Clarke as he makes his comment.</p><p>“’Glowing’ has to be a bit of an exaggeration,” Clarke replies flatly.</p><p>“Is it though?” Miller asks, tilting his head and twisting his lips.</p><p>“Just…don’t say anything at the dinner table,” Clarke says. “My mother – and Kane – are there.”</p><p>“Okay,” Miller says, with what appears to be mock-seriousness. “Uh, but didn’t you just get out of a Council meeting with them? So I’m betting they already know. Also betting that the entire breakfast table figured it out by the time we put our spoons down.”</p><p>Bellamy can only, once again, issue the word “Miller” in a warning tone.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
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    <strong>As always, thank you for reading and commenting!</strong>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <strong>Chapter Nine</strong>
</p><p>“I’m glad they’re together. Bellamy is a good person. He’s the best choice.”</p><p>“I agree. I know Miller loves him a lot too.”</p><p>“He’ll make a fine father. I hope it happens soon.”</p><p>“And you’ll be a great grandparent, Abby.”</p><p>Bellamy did not intend to eavesdrop. But apparently neither Abby nor Jackson has noticed that he’s entered med bay. Hearing all this praise almost makes Bellamy feel uncomfortable. But it’s not unwelcome either. He smiles at Jackson’s declaration that Miller “loves him a lot”. The kind of friendship Bellamy has with Miller involves a lot of slapping each other on the back and wrestling; certainly there have been no verbal proclamations of brotherly love.</p><p>Clarke follows just a moment later; someone grabbed her in the corridor to ask a question so she wasn’t able to walk in with Bellamy. Now that they are both inside med bay, Abby and Jackson whirl around and greet them.</p><p>“We’re here for our check-ups,” Clarke says.</p><p>It has been 24 hours since their implants were removed, so they are reporting to med bay just for some quick tests to ensure that they are well. Not long afterwards, both Bellamy and Clarke are pronounced well and healthy, and sternly instructed by Abby to come back in a week for another check up.</p><p>“Are you off to class now?” Clarke asks Bellamy.</p><p>“Yeah. Randall’s expecting me. Math still isn’t my favorite subject, but he insists I’m good enough to teach so….”</p><p>“You’ll do great,” Clarke says.</p><p>Bellamy can’t help but to smile. Clarke has a supportive hand on his arm as she says the words. And the way she’s looking at him. It’s warm and sweet and is making Bellamy’s heart jump. This morning they did not have a “practice session” like they did last night, which is making Bellamy look forward to their second go at it even more.</p><p>“What about you?” he asks her.</p><p>“I’m going to sit in on Darryl’s engineering class.” Clarke looks wistful for a second as she adds, “I almost miss Jaha’s classes. He was good at breaking stuff down. But Darryl’s not bad, and I’ve got a lot to learn about engineering.”</p><p>“We all do.” He shrugs, “I still wish Raven would teach a class, but I think she’s got her hands full just keeping all of our systems running.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Clarke looks down for a second and then back at Bellamy. “Do you want to…practice again today?”</p><p>“Yes!” Bellamy says, and he knows he has practically bolted into the air as he replies. He doesn’t have to guess at what Clarke means by ‘practice’. He does, however, silently remind himself to tone down the enthusiasm just a bit.</p><p>“Good. Uh, maybe when our classes are over? Or we could wait till tonight if you prefer…?”</p><p>They have spent many an afternoon playing chess, so Bellamy can’t stop himself from answering, “Well, it would beat playing chess so….”</p><p>“You’re right,” Clarke says, and again there’s a glint in her eyes. As she turns to head for engineering, she looks back at Bellamy and adds, “But I will get you to love playing chess someday.”</p><p>“Yeah. Someday.”</p><p>Bellamy walks towards Randall’s classroom knowing it will be a struggle to stay focused and wait for his rendezvous with Clarke.</p><p>***</p><p>“I’m glad Bellamy skipped combat practice today. A man in love is the worst opponent.”</p><p>Octavia says the words to Miller that afternoon as they practice sparring in the gym.</p><p>“What about me?” Miller asks. “I’m a man in love.”</p><p>“Yes, and I usually defeat you!” Octavia says, and Miller knows that she is correct.</p><p>They finish up their session and head towards the sidelines for a break. Miller fills two canteens of water for them, and Octavia gives a few pointers to two young cadets who are practicing. And then Miller and Octavia are able to enjoy their break on the sidelines, sitting back and watching the cadets.</p><p>“It was Indra who said that,” Octavia says, taking a swig of her water. “About men in love making poor opponents.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Miller says, not unkindly. “’Love is weakness.’ I get it. Don’t know if I agree with it or not, but I get that it was practically a grounder mantra.”</p><p>Miller then pauses and adds, “I’m sorry. I know you’re still hurting over Indra. Didn’t mean to just dismiss her words.”</p><p>“I am,” Octavia admits. She takes a breath and tilts her head up. “I don’t know if I agree with it either. The idea of love being weakness.” She pauses. “Maybe it’s a weakness. Maybe it’s a strength. Maybe it’s both.”</p><p>“Both,” Miller says, his gaze fixed on the cadets. “I think it’s both.”</p><p>Octavia turns to look at him. “What is it like for you? When you’re early in a relationship?”</p><p>If Miller is surprised by the question, he doesn’t show it. He’s just quiet for a bit before answering, “Well, I guess most grounders would just say I’m a damn fool. Because the relationship means a lot to me. Love means a lot to me. I still think of Jackson all the time. Try to remind myself that I have a life outside of the relationship but…well, yeah, we’re really devoted to each other.” He smiles, “Like right now, I’m enjoying sitting here with you and I got a lot out of our practice session. But part of me wants to be with Jackson and is wondering what he’s up to. Even though I don’t understand most of the workings of med bay,” he adds with a bemused smirk.</p><p>Octavia listens silently. Miller continues on, “But yeah, I don’t know - is being in love a weakness? You know what Jackson threatened to do, right before Praimfaya, if they didn’t bring me in from the stockade, right?”</p><p>Miller continues upon seeing Octavia nod. “Does that make us weak or strong? Would I have been bumped up on The List if Jackson hadn’t made that gesture? Did his love save me? Maybe, maybe not.”</p><p>Miller turns to look at her and then asks softly, “You’ve been through it before? Right?” He doesn’t say Lincoln’s name.</p><p>“Yeah. I was just wondering what it’s like for other people though, when they first fall in love.” Her thumb plays with the lid of her canteen. “So you sometimes feel like…you can’t get enough of the other person? And do you worry you’ll…lose them someday?”</p><p>“Well, yeah…I mean I nearly lost Jackson to Cooper’s poison. Before that he nearly lost me to Praimfaya. More than once the two of us have wondered if we’re idiots for letting ourselves fall in love when…when it’s so easy to lose someone in this world.” Miller’s tone leaves no doubt that he knows he’s walking towards dangerous territory when he begins, “Do you…do you want to talk about Lincoln?”</p><p>“Not right now,” she answers. “It’s just that…” and here Octavia lets her voice trail off.</p><p>“Just that what?” he prompts gently after a bit.</p><p>But Miller guesses that Octavia has decided not to explore this topic any more today. One of the cadets signals her, and she gets up to demonstrate a move that they need assistance with. Miller watches her and wonders why Octavia brought the topic up. He’s glad she did – he’d like to see her opening up more.</p><p>But it’s not like her to do that much. He wonders if she could be hiding something.</p><p>***</p><p>“Octavia! It’s beautiful!”</p><p>Octavia surprises Niylah with a gift that afternoon. She has gradually been scavenging parts to make a necklace. Octavia has found bits of glass, pieces from electronics – anything that has a pretty color to it and shines. She’s been careful with her scavenging, not telling anyone what she’s looking for and not letting them see her do it. She’s strung the pieces together into a necklace and presented it to Niylah today.</p><p>“I’m so glad you like it,” Octavia says. Looking at Niylah’s face is pure pleasure for Octavia. Niylah is holding the necklace up to the light and admiring it. She’s clearly pleased.</p><p>“I would ask you how you did it, but I’m sure that I know,” Niylah says in a low voice that Octavia has to admit she finds sexy.</p><p>“Slowly and gradually, and lots of sneaking around while making sure no one saw me,” Octavia admits.</p><p>“That is quite a lot of work,” Niylah says admiringly, her eyes wide. She then turns around and lifts her hair so that Octavia can put the necklace around her neck.</p><p>“It was,” Octavia admits. She kisses the back of Niylah’s neck, unable to resist doing so now that it is revealed. “But I got to dream about seeing you wear it.” She places another kiss and then steps back so she can fasten the necklace’s clasp.</p><p>“I wonder,” Niylah begins, slowly turning around. She runs her fingers through her own hair, perhaps to get it back into position, perhaps to simply emphasize it since she knows Octavia likes her hair. “Perhaps the necklace would look even better if it was the only thing I was wearing.” She raises her eyebrows and begins removing her shirt.</p><p>“I might’ve had that thought once or twice when I was searching for the pieces,” Octavia admits, tilting her head. “Thinking of how it would look against your chest…”</p><p>“Really?” Niylah asks, and again Octavia could only describe her voice as throaty. “Hmmmm….” She looks down and cups her breasts. “How does the necklace look now?”</p><p>“Tantalizing. Get over here!” Octavia groans, pulling Niylah in for a kiss and greatly looking forward to what will come next.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“This is better than chess.”</p><p>“This is <em>a lot</em> better than chess.”</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke are in bed together. They have hours to go before dinner but, as they discussed this morning, they have decided to “practice” today instead of playing chess or pursuing any of their other usual hobbies. They have ended up with Clarke lying on her back and Bellamy on his side, facing her. She is stroking his arm.</p><p>“You know, you said last night that it can take a while before two people really get it down,” Clarke begins with a smile. “But we seem to have gotten the hang of it fast.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he says. He’s looking at her beautiful face and he cannot believe what he’s seeing, what he’s experiencing. Just like last night, their coupling was amazing. They started, again, with kissing. Lots of kissing. They talked about what they wanted. He asked if she liked being stroked with fingers, she said yes, and he was happy to oblige. She gave him feedback to get the stroking the way she liked it. Clarke later asked if he wanted to try a position other than her on top, and Bellamy said he was good to try pretty much any position. So she asked him to get on top this time. He lasted longer than he did last night. Bellamy is still just awed by the kissing alone. It was more expressive and explosive than any he’s ever experienced and it meant so much more to him than the mechanics of “the act”.</p><p>“I love when you tell me what you like,” he says softly.</p><p>“Me too.” One of her fingers reaches up to trace various freckles on his face. “You’re easy to please though,” she smiles.</p><p>“Am I?” he asks, teasingly. He then begins to worry. Does she want someone more firm or strong or….aggressive in bed? The warmth starts to drain from his body a bit. Was Lexa like that, and was that something Clarke loved about her? Or Niylah or any of Clarke’s other lovers before that – were they aggressive and demanding? Does Clarke want that, instead of someone so easy to please? And so eager to please.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Clarke asks, removing her finger and scrunching her brows.</p><p>“N-nothing,” he says, not meeting her eyes. Then he thinks a bit. Not communicating isn’t going to help, he knows. So he says, somewhere between a statement and a question, “Just wondering if you think I’m too easy to please.”</p><p>“No!” she insists, shifting her position so that she’s on her side now, looking at him. “I-I’ve liked everything about our…practicing. I didn’t feel you’re too easy to please.”</p><p>“Okay, good,” he says, exhaling. He tells himself to relax. Maybe he has taken one offhand comment too seriously.</p><p>“You will…tell me if there’s something you do or don’t want, right?” Clarke asks.</p><p>He is taken aback by the anxiety on her face. She’s really worried, he guesses. Her eyes keep searching his, almost desperately.</p><p>“Yes,” Bellamy answers. “I promise I will.” He laughs a bit, “I really am down for almost anything though.”</p><p>“Nice,” Clarke smiles. She pulls him towards her for another kiss.</p><p>***</p><p>The next morning, Major Costa requests to join the Council at their post-breakfast meeting. He periodically meets with them to provide updates, but he has something else on his mind today.</p><p>“I think it’s time that I select a second in command,” Costa begins, with characteristic directness.</p><p>“A second in command? Is that necessary?” Kane asks. “There are only 20 official members of the guard. In a population of 99 people.”</p><p>Bellamy watches Kane as he speaks. With Kane’s background as a military man, he’s clearly interested in the topic, leaning forward. And Kane is correct, Bellamy knows, that 20 people are officially members of the guard. Kane, Clarke, and Bellamy himself all can fire a gun or step in to break up a fight if needed, but they aren’t considered officially on the guard.</p><p>“Succession planning is never a bad idea,” Clarke speaks up. “We never know what can happen. Jaha’s death was unexpected. And you and Jackson were poisoned.”</p><p>Bellamy admires the way Clarke says the words. He guesses that she’s trying to be soft (since Abby still blames herself for Jaha’s death and since bringing up the poisonings isn’t an easy topic either) and yet she’s firm. She speaks what needs to be spoken.</p><p>“I agree,” Abby says. “There’s no harm in it. We don’t know what we’ll see when we open the airlock in four and a half years. Aside from sandstorms,” she adds with a smile.</p><p>“Alright,” Kane says. He turns to Costa. “What did you have in mind? Did you want to open the position up and let anyone apply for it, or reach out to a few guards who you’re considering?”</p><p>Bellamy likes the way Kane says the words too. He’s not taking umbrage at his council having different ideas than the one he initially expressed. He’s let himself be won over by the logic in Clarke and Abby’s words.</p><p>“There are two logical candidates in my mind,” Costa says. He takes a quick glance at Bellamy before continuing. “Octavia’s the best fighter, but I don’t know if she’d want the job. Running the guard has less to do with fighting skills and more to do with creating schedules and overseeing training and figuring out how to motivate people.”</p><p>Whenever his sister is mentioned, Bellamy feels an instinctual jolt of emotion. It’s a reaction, same as if he touched a hot stove and needed to move his hand away. He tells himself to listen to Costa’s words and try to tamper his emotions. It’s what Clarke would say to do, he knows.</p><p>“Octavia doesn’t love structure and rules and order,” Bellamy admits with a tilt of his head. He silently adds, <em>‘At least not ours. When she was Indra’s second, she took to it differently. She’s never had much love for Skaikru, and I sure as hell don’t blame her.’</em></p><p>“Right,” Costa replies. Again, his manner is simple and direct. “She is good with the cadets though. The other candidate I had in mind is Nathan Miller. He’s solid and steady and reliable.”</p><p>“Yes. I would like to see,” Kane begins thoughtfully, “a little more…<em>fire</em> from Miller. I don’t know if he has the desire to lead. A good solider doesn’t necessarily translate into a good leader.”</p><p>“I don’t know if he even thinks of himself as a leader,” Abby says, looking at Kane. “But that can change. I think the potential is there, with Miller. He has the discipline and the work ethic.”</p><p>Costa stays and discusses this with the Council for a bit longer. They agree that he will approach Octavia and Miller, separately, to gage their interest. They also agree that there is no rush, so Costa will take his time – and allow Octavia and Miller to take their time thinking through their options as well.</p><p>***</p><p>“It’s so nice to be doing preventive care. Instead of urgent care.”</p><p>Jackson speaks the words to Miller one afternoon as they leave the gym. Miller has just taken Jackson through another self-defense lesson. Both are off-duty for the rest of the day and it’s a few hours, still, until dinnertime so they are simply walking the corridors of the Ark now.</p><p>“I bet it would be great to never see another bullet wound,” Miller speculates.</p><p>“Yes. And – well, everyone’s doing really well since having their implants removed, so I’m glad for that,” Jackson adds.</p><p>It has now been two weeks since birth control implants were removed from each member of the three couples. The couples came in again today for one last post-surgery check-up. And although timing varies for everyone, it’s possible that any of the three women might begin to conceive soon. With few pieces of news to excite them, most members of Skaikru talk eagerly about the possibilities of babies. It was like that, Jackson remembers, on the Ark back when it was up in space too. Given that babies were a controlled and scarce “item”, the topic made most everyone excited back then too.</p><p>Jackson and Miller talk a little bit more about the subject before Jackson changes gears. “Have you,” he begins, “thought more about what Major Costa asked?”</p><p>Miller is quiet for a few beats, and when he answers he continues to look straight ahead and not at Jackson. “I just don’t know,” he says. “If I really want it or not.”</p><p>The two have kicked around Costa’s offer a bit during the past two weeks, but Jackson has been careful not to pressure or push Miller on it.</p><p>“Do you….know what’s keeping you from wanting it?” Jackson asks softly. “I don’t think it’s the extra work. I’ve never seen you shy away from work.”</p><p>“That’s not it. Hell, sometimes I’m bored – wouldn’t mind extra work.”</p><p>Jackson is quiet, hoping his silence might encourage Miller to speak. And finally Miller takes a breath and answers, “I don’t want it to mess up my friendship with Octavia. If she wants the job,” he shrugs, “I won’t fight her for it. So I’m just waiting for her to decide.”</p><p>He stops walking, and Jackson follows suit. Miller places a hand on his arm. “Tell me you don’t look down on me for that. Tell me you don’t want a guy who’s more ambitious. Who’s not such a softie that he puts his friendships first like this.” Miller’s voice and his eyes seem to plead a bit, though there’s strength in them too.</p><p>“Hey,” Jackson whispers, putting both of his hands on Miller’s shoulders. “I love you the way you are. I’d never want or ask you to be someone else.”</p><p>Miller seems to absorb the words. He then opens his mouth. “Would you do it? If there was another doctor your age who you were friends with, and Abby wanted a second in command?”</p><p>“I would,” Jackson says without hesitation. “If I thought I was the best person for the job, I would.”</p><p>Miller shrugs. “Okay. What if you and the other doctor were equally qualified and you just….didn’t feel some kind of way about who got the job?”</p><p>“Well, that would be different, I guess,” Jackson admits. “Just…keep in mind that friendships can get through something like this. It doesn’t have to hurt your friendship with Octavia. It might make things feel weird,” he adds with a smile, “but you can get through it. Especially if you talk to her about it.”</p><p>“I know,” Miller says. He shakes his head and continues to search Jackson’s face. “You gave me the thing I needed the most just now. Just the reassurance that you’re okay with whatever I decide to do.”</p><p>“I am,” Jackson says resolutely.</p><p>***</p><p>“Second in command of the guard…for the people who floated my mother and put me in prison for the crime of having been born.”</p><p>Octavia states the words flatly to Niylah one afternoon.</p><p>“But that was a…a different time and place. I don’t think it’s a bad idea,” Niylah says. Her voice contains a hint of eagerness and excitement.</p><p>“I want to be back with Trikru. I want them back, every last one of them,” Octavia says, scowling. “I don’t want to be making schedules and having planning meetings with Costa.”</p><p>Niylah takes a step closer to Octavia and puts a hand on her arm. “But my people are dead,” Niylah says quietly. “Pike murdered Lincoln. And then Praimfaya took every last one of the others. Indra. Her daughter Gaia. They are all gone. Trig will be a dead language, dying out when you and I stop speaking it.”</p><p>“Then let’s never stop,” Octavia insists, speaking Trig.</p><p>“Fine,” Niylah agrees, also speaking in Trig. “But that doesn’t change the fact that every member of the 12 clans died in that deathwave. So why not step up and be a leader of the guard? You can honor Lincoln and Indra that way. You will always be Trikru.”</p><p>Octavia takes a breath and begins pacing the room. “Damn,” she says, shaking her head. “I was seriously leaning towards saying ‘no’. But you’ve almost convinced me.”</p><p>Niylah’s eyes follow Octavia as she paces. She searches Octavia’s face as she speaks again. “There’s something else. I can’t stay in this room all the time anymore. I know…I know you did it for 16 years. But it’s time that I come out. If you were second in command of the guard, it could…only help our cause.”</p><p>“No,” Octavia says firmly. “I won’t let anything happen to you.” And then she almost pleads a bit when she adds, her eyes imploring, “Just – just four and a half more years. You can do it.”</p><p>“Octavia,” Niylah begins gently. “We talked about this before. Once we can leave the Ark, there still won’t be any food or water anywhere but here. So it’s going to be longer than that, longer than four and a half years. You can’t stay on half-rations. I need to come out. Your people have enough supplies for me. Jaha is dead and Cooper is on half-rations and they’re allowing three women to get pregnant.”</p><p>When she finishes speaking, Niylah takes a step towards the door. Octavia reflexively moves, blocking her. “I will not let anything happen to you!” she says, fire in her eyes.</p><p>“Octavia,” Niylah says, and this time her voice isn’t its usual gentle and dreamy self. It’s firm and it seems to contain a strong note of what could only be described as warning.</p><p>Perhaps because she is so unused to this tone from Niylah, Octavia steps back a bit. She looks her lover in the eye. “Okay,” says, holding her hands out. “Let me do two things first. Let me get this promotion. And let me ask the Council – hypothetically speaking – what the punishment would be for…a crime like this. Let those two things happen and then we can talk. And plan for you to get out of here.”</p><p>Niylah remains frozen for a moment. She then nods and sits down on the bed. “Okay. Go out and get that promotion then.”</p><p>***</p><p>“Every damn meal for the rest of my life I get to sit at a table with three couples. Couples who are disgustingly in love.”</p><p>Raven makes the proclamation one evening during dinner. Their table arrangement hasn’t changed since Praimfaya with the exception, of course, of Jaha’s passing. Raven and Octavia take each meal with Kane, Abby, Miller, Jackson, Clarke, and Bellamy.</p><p>“Come on, Raven,” Miller says, grin on his face. “Clarke and Bellamy are just friends though, right?” His nudges Bellamy’s arm with his elbow.</p><p>Smiles and smirks are shared among the tablemates. Octavia, sitting across from her brother, even taps his boot with her own and asks, “Are you blushing, brother?” She’s clearly enjoying this ribbing as much as Raven and Miller seem to be. Even Kane and Abby don’t seem phased by the teasing conducted by the younger contingent – if anything, they look somewhat amused.</p><p>“Just a totally normal friend-thing to do,” Miller goes on, not sparing the sarcasm. “Trying to have a baby with your bestie.”</p><p>“That’s enough, Miller,” Clarke says.</p><p>Bellamy glances at Clarke. His face is indeed hot. He tries to unpack Clarke’s signals a second ago when she told Miller to cease. She seems, Bellamy guesses, more bemused than irritated.</p><p>Bellamy doesn’t mind the teasing himself, at least not that much. He has no complaints about the past couple of weeks. He and Clarke have definitely found their footing. They’ve learned that they prefer early afternoon for their ‘practice’ sessions – although more than once it’s happened before bed or right when they wake up. They always kiss a lot – it just happens naturally at every stage. Like they did their first time, they just talk and communicate about their wants. Clarke is never shy about telling him what she needs to climax, and he’s happy to do it. And yeah, Bellamy guesses that he is practically glowing most of the time because all of this – from getting to kiss Clarke passionately to helping facilitate her orgasms to enjoying his own – just feels so right to him. The best part is that she’s never in a rush to get up afterwards, and they will often remain on the bed together, entwined, talking about nothing in particular, and kissing more.</p><p>If it means letting his friends tease him for it, that’s nothing that Bellamy is going to worry over.</p><p>***</p><p>Octavia’s happy for her brother. She knows that he and Clarke don’t want to talk about what is obvious to everyone else, the fact that they are in love. She understands the reasons why. She had her own heart ripped out when Lincoln was murdered, and she’s not about to judge anyone else for denying their own emotions for the sake of their sanity.</p><p>She also understands Niylah’s insistence on coming out of the room. Today at dinner, Octavia actually felt a stab of what she could only term jealousy, wishing that she and Niylah could join the other three happy couples. I<em>t would probably drive Raven to finding another table to sit at though,</em> Octavia can’t resist thinking.</p><p>In any case, she has a mission tonight. She taps Miller’s shoulder. “You got time to talk before the movie starts?” she asks him.</p><p>He nods, and they soon find themselves heading towards a quiet corner where they can speak undisturbed.</p><p>“What’s on your mind?” Miller asks.</p><p>Octavia takes a split-second to search his face. Miller can be a tough one to read, she thinks. His countenance is almost always easy-going and even-tempered, if snarky and sarcastic too. She’s not sure what really phases him at this point – other than the obvious, such as the way he was not himself during the time Jackson was in a coma. But even then he wasn’t prone to outbursts or displays of emotion. She can see why Major Costa likes his steadiness. Miller’s not a demanding or overbearing man and he would, Octavia begins to think, make a good second in command.</p><p>“The job as second in command. I want it,” Octavia states straightforwardly. “So I was wondering what your plans are.”</p><p>Miller sighs and glances around before turning back to Octavia to meet her eyes. “I keep going back and forth, Octavia,” he admits. “My dad would tell me to go for it. Jackson tells me he loves me no matter what I decide.” He shrugs. “I can’t really decide.”</p><p>Octavia is silent for a moment as she continues to look at Miller. “I really want it. Would you…support me in it then? Since you’re ambivalent.”</p><p>Miller answers, his voice soft and serious, “If you want it, go for it. I won’t stand in your way.” He smiles, “Maybe someday if you take over the guard, then I can be <strong>your</strong> second in command.” He quickly adds, “Not that I want to see Costa going anywhere any time soon!”</p><p>“Thank you. I’ll talk to Costa tomorrow.”</p><p>“I’ll go with you,” Miller insists. “That way he knows you have my support.”</p><p>Soon after that, it’s movie time. Octavia and Miller take their seats. As the room darkens and the film begins, Octavia wonders if this all seems too easy. She can become second in command of the guard and she can approach the Council – which her own brother sits on – to ask about punishment for a hypothetical crime. But what if she doesn’t get the answer she’s hoping for? And what if Niylah truly cannot handle being confined any longer? Octavia herself was able to endure sixteen years of this because she knew nothing different. What will Niylah be like when it gets to be too much for her?</p><p>
  <strong>TBC</strong>
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  <strong>As always, please let me know what you think. I'm on Tumblr @The100Epic</strong>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Ten</strong>
</p><p>“I told you. If you’re happy, then I’m happy. If you didn’t feel any sort of….burning desire to get the job, then there’s no harm in letting Octavia get it.”</p><p>Jackson speaks the words to Miller one afternoon as the men lounge around inside their room. Oftentimes if neither is on duty, they spend the late afternoon in bed together. Most of Skaikru counts down the hours until one of the two daily mealtimes, and Jackson and Miller are no different. Afternoons can feel long as people wait for 1700 hours to roll around, but Jackson knows that he’s lucky to have Miller to enjoy his free time with.</p><p>“I just didn’t,” Miller says. “Didn’t have any ‘burning desire’ to get the job.” He raises his eyebrows and grins, “You know what my ‘burning desire’ is for.”</p><p>Miller puts a hand on Jackson’s thigh, and Jackson replies, “Oh, I know.” Jackson smiles and looks at Miller, seriously now, “I just hope your reason wasn’t…because you wanted to keep the peace with Octavia. And by extension with Bellamy. Did you…not go for it because you didn’t want to hurt your friendships with them?”</p><p>Jackson tries to keep his voice soft as he asks Miller the question. They’ve discussed the subject of whether or not Miller would go for the promotion before, of course, and he’s tried to always make it clear that he would support whatever decision Miller made. But this particular question has been nagging at him, especially since Miller officially decided to put his support behind Octavia. Jackson knows he needs to at least get the question out in the open.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Miller replies. He’s looking downwards, flicking at something on his pants leg though Jackson doesn’t see anything there. He shrugs. “I guess it <strong>was</strong> part of the decision. Is that wrong of me?”</p><p>“No, no, not at all. I meant when I said that I’d support you in whatever you decided,” Jackson insists, leaning towards him, “I just wondered how much that was part of it. I-I don’t think it’s wrong to…to value friendships so much. Hell, maybe it’s better to put friendships above a promotion; I don’t know.”</p><p>Miller continues looking down. “Octavia really wanted the job. I just didn’t want it that much. I guess that’s all there is to it.”</p><p>“Okay,” Jackson says. There’s warmth in his voice and he’s ready to put the matter to bed now.</p><p>“I told her,” Miller begins, “that maybe someday I could be her second in command. I guess I was happy to leave that there.”</p><p>***</p><p>Niylah and Octavia are celebrating Octavia’s promotion inside their room. Octavia has to admit that it feels good to have her potential recognized and to have gotten what she wanted. No, she’ll never feel for Skaikru what she used to feel for Trikru and she will likely mourn the extinction of their culture her entire life.</p><p>“But you can honor them – honor us - ,” Niylah is saying, “by continuing to do what you’ve been doing with the cadets. Teach them what Indra and Lincoln taught you. Continue training them to fight as well as Trikru.”</p><p>“Yes,” Octavia says. Her voice is pensive but she also has the faintest hint of a smirk too. “Maybe I can also honor Trikru by doing <em>this</em>.”</p><p>With that, she gently flips Niylah onto her back and smothers her with more kisses. As good as the promotion feels to Octavia, this feels hundreds of times better. And she now sees the excitement and the pleasure in being the one to take more of the lead in bed. She loosens Niylah’s garment and begins blazing a trail of kisses from Niylah’s lips down to her breasts.</p><p>Afterwards, they talk again. Octavia has no doubt that Niylah needs out of this room soon. Although it fills her with worry, they map out a plan.</p><p>***</p><p>The next morning, the Council sits down to their usual meeting after breakfast. No sooner is the door closed than they hear a knock upon it.</p><p>Bellamy looks quizzically from Clarke to Kane. The chancellor calls out, “Come in.” And then a second later, Bellamy sees his sister step through the door.</p><p>“I have a question I need to take to the Council,” Octavia begins. “Do you have time today….or another time…?”</p><p>Kane answers, though Bellamy knows what he will say – and Bellamy also knows that Octavia knows full well the answer too, given that she spends almost every meal sitting with the Council. Bellamy is just a bit confused. Octavia hasn’t said anything to him about coming to a Council meeting, and he wishes he wasn’t blindsided. He tells himself to take a breath. Since Octavia first set foot on the ground, she has been this untamable force of nature. He’s kind of glad to see that her free spirit isn’t broken, though he still wishes she’d given him a heads-up on whatever this is about.</p><p>“We have plenty of time, Octavia,” Kane says, gesturing for her to take a seat. “We don’t have anything urgent today. What’s on your mind?”</p><p>“I have a hypothetical situation,” Octavia begins, settling into one of the seats.</p><p>Bellamy’s heart leaps just a bit. He glances at Clarke and can practically see the machinery inside her brain moving, getting all the arguments and reasons together.</p><p>“What would be the punishment if someone was hiding another person inside the Ark? I didn’t see it in the document you published after Cooper was sentenced.”</p><p>Several looks are exchanged around the table. Bellamy tries to read all of their expressions. Last time he and Clarke spoke about this, Clarke said she didn’t think that Abby and Kane were aware of the situation, but that she wasn’t fully sure.</p><p>“Well, that’s quite an interesting question,” Abby begins. “This is truly just a hypothetical situation?”</p><p>“Yes,” Octavia answers.</p><p>Bellamy glances at Clarke again. If she’s upset at Octavia for not giving them a heads-up, she doesn’t show it. “It is an interesting question,” Clarke says. “I imagine that it violates a rule – maybe the one about hiding information, but….well, we know that we’re doing well enough to support all 99 people here and to allow several babies to be born over the next few years. So it certainly doesn’t seem to be anywhere near on the level of what Cooper did.”</p><p>Kane is not, Bellamy thinks, hiding the fact that he is a bit perplexed. <em>So he doesn’t know,</em> Bellamy realizes. And he’s struggling just a bit.</p><p>“We accounted for everyone inside the stockade,” Kane says. “And it would be extremely difficult to smuggle food and water to someone given how tightly we lock down the kitchen. There’s no harm in entertaining a hypothetical situation, but I don’t see the point of doing so. Unless…” he lets his voice trail off.</p><p>Octavia does not appear shaken. “Just want to hear what the rules are anyway,” she says, keeping her expression neutral.</p><p>“Okay,” Abby says, looking from Kane to Octavia. “Well, I will take a stab at answering the question. We definitely would not use capital punishment; we didn’t use it for attempted murder, so we’re certainly not going to use it now. The situation you described is a violation of a rule, so I believe there would need to be some type of punishment. But I’m not sure what. A prison sentence seems too severe.”</p><p>“I agree,” Raven says. She takes a breath and shakes her head. “We were all desperate and…half-crazed right before Praimfaya. You remember Jackson threatening to kill himself if we didn’t save Miller? So if someone did decide to hide another person and was successful for all this time…well, I don’t see the point in any sort of harsh punishment when the human race is down to 99 people. I would find some sort of mild punishment. Maybe put the person on probation or give them extra work shifts.”</p><p>“I agree,” Clarke says firmly. “The brig seems way too severe.” She shrugs. “I could get behind probation and additional work shifts.”</p><p>“Same,” Bellamy says. He’s avoiding Kane’s eyes but otherwise hoping that his expression and mannerisms are steady. “A token punishment but nothing severe. And, of course, the person who they were hiding would be allowed to…well, to join the rest of our population.”</p><p>Abby speaks up. “Yes. I agree with what the three of you have said.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Octavia says, and here Bellamy worries that she’s tipping her hand. She’s looking a bit too eager to leave now, as if she’s ready to bolt from her seat. Her eyes are giving it away too, a certain sort of desperate shadow that has come over them.</p><p>Kane takes a breath. “Wait,” he says.</p><p>Bellamy feels that he’s really gotten to know Kane well over the past year. He can tell just from the look in his eyes that Kane has figured it out. He can also guess that Kane is kicking himself for not adding it up sooner: Octavia’s weight-loss, her preference for eating or finishing most meals inside her room, her love for the grounder culture.</p><p>“Just answer me,” Kane says, leaning forward and looking intently at Octavia. His voice is a strange combination of soft and firm. “This isn’t purely hypothetical, is it? You’re hiding someone. A grounder then, since we know all of Skaikru was accounted for.”</p><p>Bellamy’s breath escapes him. Is Octavia going to answer now? Is there any reason to continue the charade when it seems that Octavia and Niylah are guaranteed a light punishment, if any?</p><p>Bellamy feels Octavia’s eyes on his. Is she waiting for a signal from him? No, Bellamy decides. That’s not like her – and besides, it might be better if Kane doesn’t know that Bellamy has been in on this the whole time.</p><p>“Yes,” Octavia says. “I’m hiding the grounder Niylah inside my room.”</p><p>Abby gasps, clearly not hiding her surprise. Bellamy watches Kane raise his eyebrows in Abby’s direction. “So you didn’t know?” he asks her.</p><p>“No,” she replies firmly. “As I assume you didn’t until now.” Abby then looks around the table. “I’m not sure about the rest of you.”</p><p>“Abby,” Octavia begins. “When Kane and Jackson and Jaha were sick, Niylah wanted to come out and help.” Her voice is passionate and just a breath away from pleading. “I had to practically restrain her to keep her from doing so. She wants to be a part of this group. She’s a natural healer. She could do a lot of good in med bay. And – well -- as you’ve all said, the human race is down to 99 people. We could easily take on one more. And especially one with medical training.”</p><p>“I’m more concerned with the fact that the two of you have been sharing rations,” Abby says. “I noticed your weight loss but kept telling myself it was due to stress and to you over-training.” She pauses. “Part of our plan was the save the human race and weight our population towards young women - it’s time for you to stop sharing your food.”</p><p>“And for Niylah to get her own rations?” Octavia asks.</p><p>“Yes. We certainly have enough given Jaha’s death and Cooper being on half rations.” Abby pauses and looks around the room. Seeming to settle on Kane, she adds, “The fact that Niylah is here and is alive is a good thing. Genetic diversity….”</p><p>Kane nods, returning Abby’s gaze. “A healthy young woman. A potential mother someday, if she wishes it. We’ll need all the help we can get in that area if the human race is to continue.”</p><p>The group goes on to discuss what to do next. As they talk, Bellamy looks at Kane. The Council has been good about making decisions as a group. When it came to Kara Cooper, that’s how they handled it – discussion and eventually consensus. Bellamy imagines Kane isn’t happy about the deception but Bellamy is thankful that they are dealing with this Kane and not the hardliner who he used to be.</p><p>***</p><p>Niylah is sitting inside the hole, the place where she spends her days when Octavia is not here. Octavia told her the plan before she left for breakfast.</p><p>
  <em>How long does it take for them to answer a hypothetical question?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh but wait. Octavia has told me that justice on the Ark when it was in space might have been swift and brutal, but now – with few people and long days – they love to talk. It might take them all day to discuss it.</em>
</p><p>Still, Niylah finds that waiting isn’t exactly easy. Her mind is fairly well-trained and calm. She knows that if she wants to, she can try to imagine every worst-case scenario and play it out, but that it would be an exercise in futility. She could worry about the notion of spending the rest of her life with Octavia in a cell next to Cooper’s on half-rations -- well, that would be tolerable since she’s already on half-rations and already inside a cell. But if they were to separate Octavia from her….Niylah can’t bear to continue that line of thought. She cuts it off every time it creeps up. She reminds herself that Octavia’s own brother is on the Council and that Octavia is second in command of the guard. And hell – Octavia is Indra’s second. Indra may be dead and gone, but Octavia is not going to allow Niylah to wither away inside a cell, even if that means Octavia would have to take drastic action.</p><p>At last, the door to Octavia’s room opens. And instantly, Niylah knows that Octavia is not alone. Several footsteps are right behind hers. Niylah braces herself mentally – and notes that physically too she is poised to defend herself or flee even though there is nowhere to run to. The floorboard is removed and Octavia’s head pops up.</p><p>“Come on out,” Octavia says straightforwardly. “You’re free.”</p><p>Niylah grabs Octavia’s hand and scrambles up, out of the hole. She hugs Octavia tightly. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees the Council members standing in the doorway and hallway. She sees Clarke among them, and Clarke does not look distressed. Niylah continues to hug Octavia. She tries to guess from the hug how Octavia is doing, but she isn’t quite able to read her well enough yet. Niylah believes that Octavia’s body doesn’t feel overly tense though.</p><p>“There will,” Kane begins, his tone reflecting his serious chancellor role, “be some repercussions.”</p><p>***</p><p>Not every member of Skaikru has a radio. But enough key personnel have them so that news can be spread rapidly when needed. There is to be a meeting in one hour inside the large conference room.</p><p>Miller does his duty in spreading the news about the meeting; it’s an easy task for him since he’s in the middle of his shift, making his rounds as he walks the corridors. He sees excitement on faces as he helps share the news. Most days here are dull enough that a badly-acted play put on by the drama group draws rapt attention, and even Miller’s stories typed out on the old tablet Raven scrounged up for him garner a sizeable audience. So most everyone is eager to hear what the meeting is about.</p><p>Miller does take a second to radio Octavia to ask if she knows anything about this. At first he attributes her reply to nothing more than the detachment created by communication that is not conducted face-to-face. She is terse, saying only, “I’ve heard it’s nothing bad, nothing to worry about.” She doesn’t elaborate from there.</p><p>And so Miller is as surprised as most of the rest of Skaikru when Kane shares the news. Octavia Blake has been hiding a grounder “who many of you have met before – Niylah.” Kane goes on to say that Niylah will be allowed to live out in the open, among “the other 99 surviving members of humanity. There are so few of us left that although we’re not happy about the fact that rules were broken, we see no reason to punish Niylah.” He goes on to add that there will be consequences for Octavia’s rule-breaking. He says that the Council has decided to strip Octavia of her promotion and assign her additional janitorial shifts for the next 12 months. “Anything beyond that,” Kane says, “would be too harsh considering the circumstances.”</p><p>Kane ends by asking if anyone has any questions. No one does, and Miller is not surprised by that. Fleetingly, he muses that the people who were chosen as survivors are, by and large, people who follow the rules, people who are docile. There were exceptions like Cooper – because she had special skills – but the loud-mouths like Ethan Hardy’s father simply didn’t make the cut. So no one voices any anger and everyone seems to accept this as fair. Octavia and Niylah enter the conference room through a side door, and as far as Miller can tell, people seem more curious than anything. Having a new person to socialize with could break some of the monotony of their days.</p><p>But Miller doesn’t really care about any of that.</p><p>He is furious.</p><p>Because he eyes the Council members standing near Kane and he just instinctively understands that Bellamy, Clarke, and Raven all knew Octavia’s secret. They all have probably known it for a while.</p><p>
  <em>I guess I don’t matter enough to be part of their inner circle.</em>
</p><p>With the meeting officially adjourned and lots of quiet conversations starting up as people filter back to their duties, Jackson turns to Miller. “This is good news,” Jackson says. “I always liked Niylah and she was training to be a nurse, so…” he breaks off. “Nate? Are you okay?”</p><p>“I need to get some air, Jacks,” Miller sighs. He stands up. “Gonna head for the gym.”</p><p>“Wait,” Jackson gently urges, placing a hand on Miller’s arm.</p><p>Miller stops, looks his lover in the eyes, and places a hand on his shoulder. It’s hard to step away from Jackson’s pleading eyes but Miller is too angry right now and doesn’t want to make a scene. “I just gotta blow off some steam right now,” Miller says quietly.</p><p>“I understand,” Jackson says, meeting Miller’s eyes. “I understand that you’re feeling left out – I…just don’t do or say anything that you’ll regret,” he urges.</p><p>“I won’t.”</p><p>As Miller and Jackson have their exchange, Bellamy has started to make his way to Miller. Miller glimpses Bellamy out of the corner of his eye and rapidly exits the meeting room. And then Major Costa approaches Bellamy and the rest of the Council with a question, and Bellamy isn’t able to go after Miller.</p><p>***</p><p>For nearly seven months, Niylah has neither seen nor spoken with anyone other than Octavia. So she is just a bit overwhelmed at first. At the Council’s order, Octavia is taking Niylah around the Ark, showing her the ins and outs of the cleaning and food prep shifts she will be picking up. She lived inside the Ark for months before Praimfaya but has never before been inside the kitchen. The work shifts are not a problem for her; Niylah is not afraid of hard work and has always picked up new things easily and quickly.</p><p>As Octavia takes Niylah around, the members of Skaikru who they encounter are friendly and curious. Niylah and Octavia had anticipated this – that if Niylah were someday allowed outside, people would be eager to speak with someone new after having lived, worked, and dined with the same 98 people for months on end.</p><p>And although Niylah certainly has passionate feelings for the one person she’s spent her last seven months with, she is also eager to have conversations with others. She is more than ready to resume her training as a nurse, so as soon as her “tour” is over, Niylah happily agrees to spend the rest of the day in med bay with Abby and Jackson. Both of them are clearly delighted to have her back.</p><p>***</p><p>As soon as Octavia deposits Niylah in med bay, she goes to find her brother. They have a mission, and they’ve been waiting until both of them are free to embark upon it.</p><p>“He’s in the library,” Bellamy says.</p><p>“Let’s go, brother.”</p><p>Octavia and Bellamy find Miller sitting in a corner, holding a book to his face. The library is quiet; the Blakes see only one other person as they make their way through the stacks and the chairs.</p><p>When Miller sees them, he sighs and puts the book back up in front of his face.</p><p>“Hey,” Bellamy begins softly. “We know you’re upset.”</p><p>“We get it. You have every right to be,” Octavia adds. She and Bellamy each grab a chair and seat themselves not too close to Miller but not far.</p><p>“I swear we didn’t mean to exclude you,” Bellamy says, voice firm now.</p><p>“It’s just that we had to be really careful with this and not let too many people know.” Octavia looks at Bellamy and adds, “I never even officially told my own brother until this morning.”</p><p>“But – we are sorry that you are feeling excluded.”</p><p>Miller lowers the book and rolls his eyes. “Did you rehearse? I can’t remember the last time I heard you two so…well-aligned.”</p><p>With that, the trio laughs. And to Octavia, it quickly becomes apparent that Miller is not going to hold a grudge. She guesses that he wanted to hear the apology more than anything, and that everything from the way his mouth appears to be suppressing a grin to the slight spark in his eyes suggests he will be fine.</p><p>“But okay,” Miller goes on. “I guess I understand why you couldn’t tell me.” He twists his lips to the side. “But I <strong>swear</strong> Raven knew. And Clarke.”</p><p>“We still consider you one of our best friends and don’t ever forget it,” Octavia says decisively. “And,” she adds, firmly nodding at Miller, “now that I’ve been stripped of my rank that means it’s time for you to go for it. Tell Costa you want the job.”</p><p>For just a second, Octavia sees a flash of confusion across Miller’s face, and she has to hand it to him. He truly was so upset at the thought of the Blakes leaving him out that the promotion perhaps wasn’t even on his radar.</p><p>“Uh – you sure?” Miller asks.</p><p>“You’re perfect for the role,” Bellamy says. “The Council will all support it.”</p><p>“And I do too,” Octavia adds.</p><p>“So don’t wait. You want Costa to see you as a go-getter. Talk to him today.”</p><p>Miller puts the book aside. “I’ll go find him right now.” He pauses and adds, “Thank you.”</p><p>***</p><p>Dinnertime is good. Niylah, for the first time in a long time, gets a full ration. And more than that, she’s happy to see Octavia with a full ration too. They both eat slowly, partially due to being unused to so much food and partially because others keep approaching their table to talk. Niylah smiles and is happy to chat with anyone. During the past seven months, Octavia has given her the rundown of every member of Skaikru – and of course some of them she’s met previously anyway. She’s enjoying matching up what Octavia has said about each person with the reality.</p><p>“It’s good to have you back in med bay,” Jackson says. “I really enjoy training someone.”</p><p>“As do I,” Abby says, looking fondly at Jackson.</p><p>“Do you not…have other trainees?” Niylah asks. She takes another bite of her meal.</p><p>Abby goes onto explain that each of the young people here was required to apprentice in one crucial area (engineering, farming, etc). They did at one point work with two people who were strong in math and science.</p><p>“But neither is made of the right stuff,” Abby says flatly. “Being a medical professional requires a lot more than command of math and science. You have to have empathy and passion and a good bedside manner.”</p><p>“Which you <strong>do</strong> have,” Jackson says to Niylah, not hiding the fact that he truly is delighted to have her as part of the medical team.</p><p>“Thank you,” Niylah says. They go on to finish eating, and then later the daily movie begins. Niylah knows what’s going to happen in the film thanks to Octavia’s recaps, but it’s good to get to see it for the first time with her own eyes. During the less exciting parts, her mind wanders. She’s pretty good at reading people. When Jackson and Abby were praising her, Niylah saw Octavia looking just a bit proud. Niylah also saw Clarke and Bellamy exchange a look. The two women haven’t told anyone of their relationship yet but she can’t help but to wonder if Clarke and Bellamy might suspect that she and Octavia are a couple.</p><p>Finally, after the movie, Niylah and Octavia are alone again inside their room.</p><p>“I am sorry,” Niylah begins. “That you lost your rank. And that you have to pick up extra cleaning shifts.”</p><p>Octavia shakes her head and pushes the thought away with a hand gesture. “I don’t care. It’s a slap on the wrist. And,” she says, speaking in Trig, “I’m Trikru, not Skaikru so I really shouldn’t be running their guard anyway.”</p><p>“True,” Niylah answers, also in Trig now. “But without Skaikru we’d be dead. And Trikru….” She lets her voice trail off.</p><p>“I know,” Octavia says, looking downwards. She takes a breath. “It’s up to us to keep it alive.”</p><p>“I don’t know how you did this for 16 years,” Niylah says, smiling and rolling her shoulders back. She has switched back to English now. “I’m happy to be free. Happy to be able to move around, and to have a purpose working in med bay. During that dancing scene in the movie, I almost wanted to get up and dance!”</p><p>Octavia smiles and shakes her head. “Cleaning the kitchen and the sewage tanks is worth it….just to see that look on your face.”</p><p>After a bit Niylah replies, with a tilt of the head, “Oh, you say that now….but I worry how you might feel two weeks from now.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about that. Let’s celebrate. Our usual way,” Octavia adds, with a slight raise of her eyebrows. She reaches for Niylah, and Niylah eagerly returns the kiss. She feels light and free, and her heart is racing in the best way.</p><p>***</p><p>News and information travel very fast on the Ark. Darah Wyant is half of one of the couples which had their birth control implants removed. For two mornings in a row, an audible rumble has spread through the mess hall as Darah visibly experiences nausea. After the second instance, Abby asked her to come to med bay so they could run a test. Perhaps minutes or – at most – hours after Darah left med bay, the word was out to all 100 inhabitants of the Ark.</p><p>They have their first pregnant woman.</p><p>If all goes well, the first baby will be born in this post-Praimfaya world to Darah and her boyfriend Ben.</p><p>Clarke and Bellamy are inside their room that afternoon. It has become their habit on most days - with Council-business and school done for the day, now they sit together. Clarke usually draws and Bellamy usually reads, although sometimes they play chess instead. And of course they often get to baby-making too, though for whatever reason they tend to save that for right before lights-out.</p><p>“Miller’s latest story isn’t half bad,” Bellamy says, holding his tablet. “He knows how to write a page-turner, anyway. Maybe I will try to write my own.”</p><p>“You should,” Clarke insists. She’s sitting on the floor, drawing on the wall. She does often have paper or a tablet she can work off of, but as long as Bellamy doesn’t object, she’ll continue to use the walls too. “The writers of Greek mythology don’t know what’s going to hit them!”</p><p>Bellamy looks over at her. Clarke’s last comment sounded just a bit forced. He cranes his head to look at her new drawing. A mother holding a baby. This is the first time he’s seen her draw that.</p><p>“Are you ok?” he asks softly.</p><p>Clarke smiles and sets her chalk down. “I’m jealous. I can’t believe it. I’m jealous of Darah.” She rubs her eyes.</p><p>“I thought you seemed just a bit off today,” Bellamy says. He sets his tablet aside and moves from the bed to join her on the floor.</p><p>“It’s stupid,” Clarke says, shaking her head. “Really stupid of me.”</p><p>“What, that you’re jealous?” Bellamy asks. “That you’re having a normal, human reaction?” He rests a hand on her knee.</p><p>“I should know better.”</p><p>“You mean you should let your head rule your heart,” Bellamy says gently. “It’s okay if sometimes that doesn’t happen.</p><p>Bellamy is surprised when Clarke shifts her position, moving closer to him and turning a bit, so she can rest her back against his chest. He puts his arms around her and she relaxes against him.</p><p>“But is it okay?” Clarke asks. “Shouldn’t my heart realize what my head knows? That this is something that can take some time, something we don’t have a lot of control over, and that getting wound up in jealousy isn’t going to make me feel any better.”</p><p>“Well, sometimes the head and the heart are in different places,” Bellamy says with a slight chuckle. “And they need time to get aligned.”</p><p>Clarke takes a breath. “Time,” she repeats. “I need to allow some time to get my brain and my heart in the same place. And our bodies need time to make a baby. I want to hurry up and…help replenish the human race, but it doesn’t work that way.”</p><p>Bellamy nods. “And hearing that Darah is expecting is just reminding you – reminding us – how little control over this we have.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Clarke smiles though Bellamy can’t see it from the way they are sitting. He does feel her relax a bit. “This is small compared to everything else we’ve lived through.” She shrugs, “So I’m jealous. It’s okay. Jealousy won’t kill me.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>Clarke turns around to look at Bellamy. “Should one of us make a cheesy joke now? About how all we can do is…try again?”</p><p>Clarke’s voice is almost flirty and her eyes seem to sparkle a bit, and Bellamy can’t help but to smile. “Was hoping you’d do it first. The bed’s right there.”</p><p>Not long later, Clarke looks to be in a much better mood and Bellamy is in paradise. Cuddled up with Clarke, under the blankets, having heard her moans and other sounds making it clear that she was enjoying every moment of it. Feeling her lips against his.</p><p>“Nice,” Clarke murmurs. Bellamy is on his back, and Clarke on her side. Her head rests in the vicinity of his shoulder and chest, and one of her arms is draped over him. Their legs are entwined.</p><p>“Really nice,” Bellamy agrees. Like Clarke, he is sweaty and pleasantly exhausted.</p><p>“You always have this way of making me feel much better. I – I don’t mean just the sex,” Clarke adds quickly. “I mean everything. The words you say. Just even…the way you listen and the way you touch.”</p><p>He picks up one of her hands and kisses it. “This is…the happiest I’ve been in my entire life,” he tells her.</p><p>“I didn’t think we deserved it. Didn’t think I deserved it,” Clarke clarifies. “Not with all the things I’ve done wrong.”</p><p>Bellamy opens his mouth to protest, but Clarke continues. “But maybe I do. We do. Deserve some happiness.” Clarke moves her head up, no longer resting it atop his chest. Her free hand roams over his chest.</p><p>“I love you, Bellamy.”</p><p>He takes a few moments to just hear the three words and digest them. He wants to savor them as long as he can. And part of his brain gently digs at him, reminding him that he doesn’t need to rush to respond because she surely knows how he feels.</p><p>“I used to think that love is weakness,” Clarke continues. “But your love gives me strength. I’m stronger for it.”</p><p>“Me too,” Bellamy says, his voice deeper and throatier than usual. “I love you so much. I take so much strength from you.”</p><p>Clarke takes a breath. “I also wanted to apologize to you, Bellamy.”</p><p>For just a second, his blood runs cold. His eyes search hers. “Apologize? For what?”</p><p>“For the day before Praimfaya. I told you we couldn’t be together, that I couldn’t let myself feel.” She shakes her head. “I was an idiot. And yet you love me anyway.”</p><p>“Why not? You love me despite all of my flaws,” he insists.</p><p>“What flaws?” Clarke laughs.</p><p>“Do you want a list?” Bellamy teases.</p><p>“No,” she responds seriously. With no shortage of fervor in her voice she says, “I want you to know how wonderful and strong and brilliant and loving you are. You know I get a bit weak in the knees in every Council meeting when you show how smart you are.”</p><p>Bellamy tilts his head back into the pillow laughing, “Clarke, stop! Unless you’re confusing me with Raven.”</p><p>She laughs along with him. “Nah. You’re a lot cuter than Raven.” She touches a finger to the tip of his nose.</p><p>His eyes widen at her playfulness. “’Cuter’?” he echoes. “’Cuter’??”</p><p>“Cuter,” she says, with a firm nod and more laughter.</p><hr/><p>
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    <strong>TBC</strong>
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    <strong>Octavia gets the fastest promotion and demotion in history, Bellarke reach a milestone, Miller feels left out but is comforted by the Blakes. Please tell me what you think!</strong>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The penultimate chapter is here!</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Chapter Eleven</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Jackson passes Miller in the corridor one day as Miller talks with two cadets. Jackson takes in all he can from the interaction and then smiles to himself.</p><p><em>Miller looks <strong>good</strong>,</em> Jackson thinks. It has been two months since Niylah officially joined Skaikru’s population and Miller received the promotion that was stripped from Octavia. Everything Jackson has observed over the past two months, including the bit he saw just now in the hallway, has shown Miller handling his new role well. Jackson especially enjoys seeing things like the respect in the cadets’ eyes or how one nod from Miller conveys a message to them. What Jackson told Miller before was true – Jackson only wanted Miller to be happy and would have been fine if Miller didn’t have the promotion. But he has it now and it looks good on him.</p><p>“Really?” Miller teases, just a bit later. “Tell me how good.”</p><p>They are alone inside their room now, and Jackson has shared some of his thoughts with Miller. Miller seems both excited and thrilled to hear them. He strokes the back of Jackson’s head and whispers in his ear.</p><p>Jackson is happy to play along, flirt a bit, and stoke Miller’s ego. Why not? Miller has earned it.</p><p>“Really good,” Jackson murmurs back. He nuzzles Miller’s neck. “Like when you train me in the gym. So strong and confident and in control.”</p><p>“Like this?” Miller asks, deftly maneuvering Jackson underneath him on the bed.</p><p>“Yessss,” Jackson breathes, pulling Miller down for a kiss.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“I’m….really glad for how things turned out.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>The Blake siblings are seated on the sidelines of the gym, watching Niylah train at combat with a few other people.</p><p>“You’re stronger now,” Bellamy says, looking at Octavia. “Not having to share rations anymore.”</p><p>Octavia nods though her gaze remains on Niylah and the others. “You helped. Always finding ways to sneak stuff to me. But yeah, this is better.” She then adds, “Even if it means I’m still pulling more cleanup shifts than anyone else. It’s worth it seeing Niylah so happy out here.”</p><p>“She’s brought new energy to us too. We needed the boost.” Bellamy is right. Most of Skaikru is still thrilled to simply have someone new to speak with. Niylah often seems to spend half her waking hours just talking with people, telling them about her life, and sharing Trikru lore.</p><p>“Matossi needs to stop badgering her to join the theater team though,” Octavia mutters.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Bellamy replies with a smile. “She looked kind of interested when they were talking about it in the library yesterday. Maybe we’ll see her starring in their next production.” His smile fades and he then adds, “It’s not just Niylah who seems really happy. You do too. Love suits you.”</p><p>Octavia is quiet for several moments and continues to look straight ahead, at Niylah. “We haven’t said the that word yet. Love.” She pauses. “I’m not sure I can get there again, not after Lincoln.”</p><p>Once Niylah had been officially “out” and allowed to join Skaikru, Octavia had wondered when and how people would find out that they were a couple. The two women had even kicked around ideas on how best to handle it. In the end, the matter was settled quickly. At dinner on the day following Niylah’s release, Miller looked from Octavia to Niylah and asked, “So…you two are a couple, right?”</p><p>“We are that,” Niylah had replied softly, with a nice glimmer in her eyes.</p><p>Octavia remembers noting Bellamy and Clarke exchange a look; clearly they had already contemplated the possibility that Octavia and Niylah were more than friends. Octavia also remembers being unsurprised at the fact that Miller was the one who had asked the question. Perhaps he was tired of feeling left in the dark and wanted to pull this out into the light fast.</p><p>And today, sitting next to Bellamy on the sidelines, Octavia wonders how he will respond to what she just said. Her words are true. She cares for Niylah deeply. She’s just not sure about the whole “love” thing, given how she can still close her eyes and see her first love being shot in the head by Pike. And the fact that she herself killed Pike in revenge has started to do things to her mind lately too. She and Niylah discuss it often. A few months ago Octavia would have said she was fully justified in what she did, but now she is no longer certain. Niylah tells her never to doubt herself, but Octavia is not sure she fully agrees with that sentiment.</p><p>“Love’s not easy,” Bellamy replies after a while.</p><p>“I guess not. It <em>could</em> be though. Have you and Clarke ever said the words to each other?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Octavia tilts her head up and almost chuckles. “Good. Miller and I can stop referring to you two as clueless idiots.”</p><p>“That seems a little harsh,” Bellamy says, though his lips are pursed together as if he’s trying to not laugh.</p><p>“The term was used with affection though.”</p><p>***</p><p>And then just like that, more than four years have gone by.</p><p>The Council is now talking about their plans for unsealing the Ark, opening up the airlock and stepping through. They are almost at the five year mark and will soon be able to go outside. With Major Costa sitting in on the meetings, the Council thinks through a schedule for sending patrols out.</p><p>“We just need to tell the people,” Kane is saying, “to keep in mind that we are likely to find nothing of any value or use outside.”</p><p>“I think their expectations are reasonable,” Clarke says. “From what I’ve heard. They look out the same windows we look out of. We all see nothing but dust - and occasional sandstorms.”</p><p>“At least we’re tracking the sandstorms,” Raven says, glancing down at her tablet. “That will help us with timing the patrols.”</p><p>“Yes,” Kane says. “But it can’t hurt to reinforce the message with the people. The only value to going outside might be slightly cleaner air. And the feel of the sun. But there won’t be much to look at or make use of out there. Even when our patrols make it as far as Polis, there likely will be nothing much to scavenge.”</p><p>Kane then turns to Bellamy and Abby. “What have you heard? In terms of people’s expectations for when the airlock is open.”</p><p>Bellamy shrugs. “What you said,” he answers straightforwardly. “No one is expecting rainbows and unicorns. Everyone understands that we’ll still be completely dependent on the hydrofarm and water recyclers. ”</p><p>“And people have gotten used to living inside here,” Abby adds. “Once or twice I hear someone ask about setting up a tent outside or something like that. I suppose we can allow it if people really want. But, well, as Bellamy said – they understand there’s not much by way of sunshine and rainbows out there.”</p><p>“We should give people an update though,” Clarke says decisively. “Even if we don’t have anything to say other than what we all just said here.”</p><p>The group agrees with Clarke, and the meeting is adjourned shortly afterwards. Clarke and Bellamy exchange a brief hug before setting out for their daily tasks.</p><p>***</p><p>Octavia is in the gym lifting weights when Niylah enters. Although they are far from alone inside the gym, Niylah isn’t shy either. She walks up to Octavia and gives her a kiss as soon as Octavia has set her weights down.</p><p>“You’re looking good,” Niylah says appreciatively. “Strong.”</p><p>“I look the same as I always do.” Octavia pauses and decides to take the compliment. “But thank you. How was school today?”</p><p>“Good. I just had a long talk with Ethan and Christine fully in Trig. Neither one of them had to use even one word of English. I’d consider them both fully fluent.”</p><p>Most Skaikru members are often seeking either distraction or enrichment, depending on one’s point of view. So Niylah has been teaching Trig to anyone who wants to learn it, and Ethan and Christine have been Niylah’s two most eager students.</p><p>Octavia replies in Trig. “They are lucky to have you for a teacher, my love.”</p><p>The term ‘my love’ comes easily, now, to Octavia. There wasn’t one, standout moment when the two women first exchanged “I love yous”. It was just that weeks and then months and then years went by, and Octavia’s heart gradually softened and she was able to say it. A few years ago she and Niylah had a private ceremony to say goodbye to Lincoln, Indra, and the others. Although they had no seeds to spread and no bodies to bury, Niylah spoke the words, “From the earth, we will grow. From the ashes, we will rise.” It was, Octavia thinks, a few days after that ceremony when she first told Niylah that she loves her.</p><p>And Octavia knows that she herself lights up whenever mention is made of Trig or anything else relating to grounder culture. Together, she and Niylah will often host sessions where they tell grounder stories and share information about their culture – and again many members of Skaikru attend and listen. Octavia has heard from Niylah that she doesn’t love being sometimes viewed as a relic from a dead culture, but that she does enjoy the respect that Skaikru tends to listen with. ‘Yeah,’ Octavia once said, with no small degree of cynicism. ‘Now that they don’t have to actually interact with or fear any grounders other than you, <strong>now</strong> they love to hear about their culture.’</p><p>Niylah’s radio buzzes, and she grabs it and looks at it. “Gotta go,” Niylah says. “Time for that pre-natal visit.”</p><p>“Have fun,” Octavia says. “Hopefully there’ll be another healthy baby in a few months.” She pulls Niylah back towards her for another kiss, and Niylah heads off for med bay to do her duty as nurse to the expectant mother.</p><p>This is the 8th pregnancy since Praimfaya. A total of 10 couples have had their birth control implants removed, and seven babies have been born since Praimfaya. The 8th baby is due two months from now. The Ark continues to provide for its small population. A few years back their soybean crop struggled – but ultimately rallied. Their water recyclers are performing so well that each person has been upgraded from a three minute daily shower to a luxurious five minute one. So the Ark and its people have been easily providing for the seven babies born since the death wave.</p><p>Octavia and Niylah have had a few discussions with Miller and Jackson.</p><p>It’s all speculation now and nothing has been decided. But the possibility of them becoming parents someday is out there. Octavia herself has no burning desire to become a mother - she’s still only 22 years old – but she does want Trikru to continue and this would be a way for that to happen. And yes, she is aware that her status as a young female was what gave her one of the coveted 100 spots inside the Ark. Jackson and Miller have readily agreed that if they do go forward with this, they too will ensure that the child learns to speakTrig. Octavia has to admit that she sees both men as fairly docile. All of those factors are making her lean towards saying yes soon.</p><p>And if Octavia does become a mother, it would give her brother and Clarke a chance to become an uncle and an aunt.</p><p>Since it appears that parenthood is not in the cards for them.</p><p>***</p><p>“No rainbows and unicorns out there. That’s for sure.”</p><p>Clarke says the words to Bellamy as the two of them sit by one of the windows with the attached window seat. He remembers sitting with her on a seat just like this, five years ago, the day before Praimfaya.</p><p>“No,” Bellamy acknowledges, his gaze still outside. “But it’s not bad either. Sunshine. Fresher air than the air inside here. We could pitch a tent and do some stargazing someday.”</p><p>“I’d like that,” Clarke says. She reaches for his hand and holds it. “We could look up and identify the constellations.”</p><p>He smiles. “It’s a date, then,” he says, with real happiness in his voice. “A night of stargazing. Once we can set foot outside of this place.” It sounds good to Bellamy. The landscape during the day appears dull and sandy, but the brilliant night sky with its shining stars – well, that will be a welcome sight.</p><p>“That will make a much better date than some of the options inside here.”</p><p>“What, you mean you don’t find watching a badly-acted play or the 20th viewing of a movie to be fun?” He tilts his head. “What about chaperoning the dance party for the kids? That’s always a good time.”</p><p>“You busted out a few good dance moves at that last one,” Clarke says as she brings a hand up to stroke his cheek.</p><p>“Well, I sure made some of the kids laugh anyway.”</p><p>They share a giggle at the memory. “I love you so much, Bellamy,” Clarke says, meeting his eyes. “I hope you know that. I never loved you just because I hoped we’d have kids someday. I’ve always loved you for you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Clarke.” He pauses. “It would have been wonderful to have a family with you. I don’t know why that hasn’t happened, but I love you just the same.”</p><p>Bellamy is right; neither he nor Clarke knows why they haven’t been able to conceive. Med bay is stocked mostly with the spoils from Mount Weather, and although it’s well-outfitted, it doesn’t have much in the areas of infertility diagnosis and treatment. Both Clarke and Bellamy have been examined more than once and no one can find any medical reason why a conception hasn’t taken place yet. Abby once said that “it’s not unheard of” for a couple to try for a long time before being able to conceive, especially if they are under stress. But Clarke and Bellamy’s responses were aligned. For <strong>this</strong> many years though? And both are living under less stress right now than ever before.</p><p>The two remain quietly sitting together, holding hands and looking out the window.</p><p>***</p><p>The day arrives at last. It has now been five years since every door and vent was sealed and the airlock shut.</p><p>Miller looks out the window inside his and Jackson’s room, thinking back to that day, knowing that he and Bree were the last two people to step through the airlock before it was sealed behind them. He shakes his head. Still too many emotions with that night, no matter the fact that five years out of his 23-year-old life is not an insignificant chunk of time. Some images remain burned behind his eyelids when he tries to sleep at night. His father’s voice as he pleaded for Nathan’s life. That last desperate hug with his father. But the good moments are there too. The look on Jackson’s face when he reached Jackson’s quarters, the look of a dead man who has suddenly come back to life.</p><p>‘<em>You have to turn the page</em>’. Kane said those words to Miller and others more than once during the past five years, and Miller knows he’s right. They have lived through the nightmares and survived them. The past five years may have been mostly boring, but they have also been peaceful.</p><p>And full of love. Miller thinks that as Jackson emerges from the shower. The doctor dresses efficiently and then joins Miller by the window. He puts an arm around him.</p><p>“I know it’s selfish of me,” Jackson murmurs. “But I still don’t want you to go.”</p><p>“You’re just doing your job,” Miller says, now also putting an arm around Jackson. “You’re protecting people. You’re hardwired to do that.” He pauses, “Just remember--“</p><p>“I know, I know,” Jackson says quietly. “There’s no need for me to worry. The worst thing out there are the sandstorms, but we’ve gotten good at tracking them.”</p><p>“And if the one of the rovers breaks down, we have radios and can call for help. We’ll always have two rovers out – we’ll go in groups. Everything is planned out.”</p><p>Skaikru has been planning this for months. Although no one expects there to be much of anything apart from sand and dust outside, they will still send patrols to scope out the terrain. As second in command of the guard, Miller will be on the first patrol – and most of the subsequent ones too.</p><p>Jackson takes a breath. “I guess it’s just the fact that I’ve spent the past five years inside here….the idea of either one of us leaving it makes me afraid.”</p><p>Miller nods. “I get it. This place has provided us with food and air and water. Not to mention the fact that we lived our whole, entire lives here – minus a few action-packed months on the ground before Praimfaya.”</p><p>He drops his arm so he can turn and really look at Jackson. “It’s okay to be…worried for me. To be nervous.”</p><p>“We’ve hardly spent any time apart these past five years,” Jackson says, with a laugh.</p><p>“I don’t think we’ve ever gone more than a few hours without seeing each other,” Miller agrees. Sometimes it’s just Miller popping his head in to med bay or Jackson observing Miller working with the cadets. But they are – as their friends tease – ‘joined at the hip.’ “So it will take some getting used to.”</p><p>“And I need to remind myself that you can take care of yourself.”</p><p>“I can,” Miller says with a firm nod. “And keep in mind that the worst thing I face out there might be getting sand in my hair.”</p><p>***</p><p>When the airlock is finally opened, it’s almost anti-climactic. People are allowed to go outside in shifts, so as to avoid a stampede. They appear to enjoy breathing fresh air and feeling the sun on their faces. They amble around a bit. And then they go back inside the Ark for their next work shift or their next meal. Miller’s joke about people getting sand in their hair wasn’t too far-fetched.</p><p>Raven and her team have been getting the air filtration systems ready so that the Ark can begin to enjoy fresh air from the outside. Because of this, the air inside the Ark already feels fresher.</p><p>And several people have asked to do what Clarke and Bellamy want to do – sleep outside in a tent, look up at the night sky. The Council doesn’t want everyone outside at once, and in any case, they have only four tents. So it was decided pretty easily that if you wanted to enjoy a night out, you sign up for a date and you get “your” tent on that night.</p><p>Two rovers head out on the first scouting mission. Miller is with Major Costa inside one. Octavia and Niylah are inside the other. Niylah is not an official member of the guard, but she has trained them in grounder combat techniques – and as a grounder, her knowledge is valued on this scouting mission.</p><p>***</p><p>“I’d rather be riding a horse.”</p><p>“Me too. But this isn’t all bad.”</p><p>Octavia and Niylah are inside their rover as the scouting mission continues. They keep Miller and Costa’s rover within their visual range at all times. It’s not hard to see it, even without the binoculars. The rovers are dots of black against the endless beige landscape.</p><p>“Hey.” Octavia glances at Niylah, though being careful to keep her eyes on the landscape. “How are you?”</p><p>Niylah forces a smile. “Come on, Octavia,” she begins, her voice soft and yet bemused. “I’ve been so careful not to get teary-eyed or to make any comments or let my jaw drop.”</p><p>“You didn’t have to. This was your home. And now it’s a wasteland.”</p><p>“You know me too well,” Niylah says. She wants to reach for one of Octavia’s hands and hold it, but Octavia’s hands are on the steering wheel where they should stay. Niylah leans back against her seat.</p><p>“Didn’t take a genius to realize this would be upsetting. Seeing it outside a window is one thing. Driving through it is another.”</p><p>“A whole civilization,” Niylah muses, “a whole people and culture….just gone.”</p><p>“Other than us,” Octavia says firmly. She speaks in Trig.</p><p>“Other than us,” Niylah agrees, also speaking Trig now. After a pause she adds, “You know even if we do decide to have a child or children with Miller and Jackson…it won’t be enough to bring back Trikru.”</p><p>“No. But it’s a start. It’s something.” Octavia’s tone is straightforward, factual.</p><p>“Admit it. You want to see me wearing one of those adorable, shapeless pregnancy dresses the other moms have worn.”</p><p>“I kinda do,” Octavia says, tilting her head and almost hinting at a smile. “I love you,” she adds.</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>There is not much to love during today’s scouting mission though. After several hours, both rovers head back towards the Ark. On the path they took today, they have truly seen nothing other than dust and sand. Tomorrow they will map out a different route and see if they discover anything different.</p><p>***</p><p>Clarke and Bellamy’s turn to enjoy one of the tents comes up five days after the Ark is opened. They join a handful of others and drag their bedding and various other supplies to their assigned tent. They carry their dinner from the mess hall too so they can enjoy it outside. The weather forecast tonight, unlike last night, is cooperative. No sandstorms are predicted.</p><p>Their tent has what can be termed a porch – an extension with a piece of fabric that folds down to the ground, allowing them to sit propped up against their duffle bags and look up at the sky. Bellamy leans against the duffle bags, and Clarke leans into Bellamy, resting her back against his front.</p><p>“That’s definitely Orion’s Belt,” Bellamy says.</p><p>“Yes,” Clarke murmurs. “It’s beautiful.”</p><p>The lack of light pollution makes it easy to look up into the night sky and see the gleaming stars. The night is a warm one so far, though they expect the temperature to drop and so they dressed accordingly. The air is indeed sweeter than the air they are used to breathing, though it does contain a twinge of something unidentifiable and somewhat chemical, perhaps a remnant of Praimfaya.</p><p>“I was talking with Ethan just the other day about the constellations. I think he appreciates them even more than I do.”</p><p>“Has he been out yet?” Clarke asks.</p><p>“Yes. A couple days ago he stayed in a tent with a few others. He gave me a full report on the constellations.”</p><p>“When we first landed on earth…did you stargaze at all?”</p><p>Bellamy chuckles. “I wanted to. I thought about it a lot. And then….”</p><p>“Yeah,” Clarke picks up. “Then when night actually fell, we either had a crisis to deal with or we’d collapse into our tents exhausted.”</p><p>“Or both.”</p><p>“Usually both,” she agrees. “Not much time for actual sleeping, let alone stargazing.” Clarke pauses. “I wish we’d been together back then,” she reflects.</p><p>“We were together. Not….<em>together</em> together but I think all the pieces started falling into place.”</p><p>“I just wish I’d seen it,” Clarke says wistfully. “I think I knew it deep down but I could never admit it to myself.”</p><p>“Well, better late than never. We’re together now.” He plants a kiss on the back of her neck, gently moving her hair to the side. “I’m so grateful for the day that you came to me and asked if I wanted to co-parent with you.”</p><p>“And I’m so glad you said yes.” Clarke laughs, “I think still even then I was lying to myself about how I felt about you. At least partially.”</p><p>Bellamy breaks one of his hands away from Clarke to rummage around inside his pocket. This feels like the right time. This certainly feels like the right setting, outside under the night sky, the brilliant stars shining down upon them, wrapping them up in their enchanting spell. Bellamy has been scavenging materials and molding them into a shape. It won’t be as pretty as the necklace that Octavia made for Niylah years ago, but hopefully it will do.</p><p>“Clarke,” Bellamy begins, and for a second his voice almost catches on that one syllable. He’s suddenly just a bit sweaty, not only because the evening is a warm one. “Will you marry me?”</p><p>Clarke shifts, turning around to meet his eyes. She replies without a moment’s hesitation. “Yes! Yes I will!”</p><p>He presents the ring to her. It’s not much, just a tiny piece of metal that he smoothed down best he could. But he slides it onto her finger and it fits perfectly. Then he just looks at her, trying to discern her features against the darkness of the night. He can see the sparkle and elation on her face.</p><p>Marriages have occurred during the past five years, though not many. Back when the Ark was in space, marriages tended to happen only when a couple was ready to have children. Those who didn’t want to or who couldn’t have kids tended to not marry. And since Praimfaya, people haven’t felt too many strong attachments to this tradition, and thus wedding ceremonies have been few and far between.</p><p>But this is one tradition that Bellamy doesn’t want to part with, and he’s glad to see that Clarke feels the same way. After their kiss, they are both overcome with jubilation. They get to their feet and do a bit of shrieking and dancing, causing a few of the inhabitants of the other tents to come running to ask what is wrong.</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy and Clarke share the news at breakfast the following morning. They didn’t sleep as much as usual the night before. Too much celebrating, both of the sexual variety and of the too-excited-to-sleep variety.</p><p>They are seated at the same table as usual, alongside the same group as always: Miller, Jackson, Kane, Abby, Octavia, Niylah, and Raven. Once everyone has their tray of food and is seated, Bellamy and Clarke exchange a look.</p><p>“We have an announcement to make,” Clarke begins.</p><p>Bellamy knows that Clarke is trying to keep her tone somewhat even and not too excited. But he almost needs to bite his lower lip upon seeing how clearly she has failed. Abby immediately sets her spoon down and notices something.</p><p>“Clarke,” Abby breathes. “You’re wearing a ring.”</p><p>Clarke and Bellamy look at each other. “We’re getting married!”</p><p>The table erupts with happiness. No one holds back, and just like last night, others charge up to the group, asking what the excitement is for.</p><p>Bellamy has read about wedding traditions from earth before the first apocalypse. He knows that right now they don’t have hardly any of the material items that were typically used in wedding ceremonies. But that’s okay. They can write vows. They can swear in front of their family and friends to be together through both tempest and calm. Their friends and family can get up and speak and toast them, even if they have nothing to drink to other than water. They can do it under a starlit sky, and the musicians in the group can serenade them. It will still be a joyous occasion.</p><p>They make plans to have the wedding celebration in about four weeks.</p><p>***</p><p>It has been nearly four weeks since the Ark was opened. Miller and the other guards continue to patrol and explore. They continue to find nothing.</p><p>Until one day someone finds <em>them</em>.</p><p>It happens during a Council meeting one morning. Miller knocks and enters right away, holding one of the tablets that shows the camera feed from outside the Ark. Raven notices it on her tablet a second after Miller enters the room.</p><p>“What the--?” Raven begins.</p><p>“It looks like 5-7 people are approaching the Ark on foot!” Miller says.</p><p>“People?” Clarke asks, bolting up from her seat.</p><p>“People,” Miller confirms, handing her the tablet.</p><hr/><p>TO BE CONTINUED</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Twelve</strong>
</p><p>Octavia can’t recall ever feeling quite this excited before in her life.</p><p>Well, that’s not exactly true, she reminds herself. The first day she set foot on earth she experienced a rush like no other and for a second it was too much. Kissing Niylah and being with her certainly caused an excited surge especially the first few times. Being with Lincoln too, of course, though there were so many other emotions and tribulations going on when they first got together.</p><p>But today Octavia dresses in her leather battle gear that she’d gotten from Trikru, affixes her scabbard, and places her sword inside of it.</p><p>“I still don’t believe it,” Niylah says, by her side. She is similarly outfitted, sliding her knife into its holster.</p><p>“I can’t believe it either,” Octavia breathes. “This must be how children used to feel on Christmas morning.” She shakes her head. The analogy is all wrong, but no matter. It is all beyond words.</p><p>Trikru survived Praimfaya. Well, 1,187 members of Trikru survived, that is. Under Indra as Chief. As the delegation led by Gaia explained to Kane, Trikru had located an underground bunker beneath Polis and they rode out the five years there. The bunker had all the key accouterments: a hydrofarm, water recyclers, air scrubbers. When asked how they managed to operate the equipment, Gaia almost snorted and said, “We are not idiots. We can read instruction manuals.”</p><p>Gaia then, apparently, smiled and softened her tone saying that Indra as Chief of Trikru was eager to see Octavia and Kane. She added that Indra would be glad to hear that Skaikru sheltered Niylah as well.</p><p>Kane had then replied, “So shall we head out to Polis then?”</p><p>Gaia had shaken her head. “No. We live in Shallow Valley now.”</p><p>“Shallow Valley?”</p><p>Although the valley had not been Trikru’s before Praimfaya, they all had known of it. Indra had suspected that because of its location, it might have been safe from the death wave. And she was right. As the Council members’ jaws had dropped, Gaia explained that a lush, thriving valley was now home to Trikru.</p><p>“And yet,” Clarke began, “you came here for us?”</p><p>“For the reasons I mentioned,” Gaia acknowledged straightforwardly. “Indra wished to see how Octavia and Kane were getting on. She is open to discussing plans to share the valley. Understanding, of course, that it belongs to Trikru.”</p><p>And that is why Octavia and Niylah are getting their gear on and getting ready to head out. It is agreed that they will join Kane, Clarke, Miller, and a handful of guards to head to Shallow Valley to speak with Indra and to see the valley.</p><p>“Thank goodness,” Niylah murmurs, “that you built that relationship with Indra.”</p><p>Octavia nods. “Kane too, gotta give the chancellor credit.” She takes a breath and tilts her head back. “I’m so happy that Indra’s alive!”</p><p>“And Trikru survives! Our culture and our people.”</p><p>The two women do as they’ve done many times since they first got the news. They hug again. And although Octavia is most happy about Trikru in general and Indra particularly, the fact that the overall human race’s odds of surviving have just jumped up too is not lost on her.</p><p>“It’s time,” Octavia says. “Let’s go.”</p><p>***</p><p>Bellamy takes a second to mull over the fact that since he and Clarke got engaged, everything is the same and yet everything is different. Their love is the same. The same as it has been since they first got together and since the time before they even acknowledged that they were meant to be together.</p><p>But being engaged feels different too. They will marry. They will make a statement to their community that they intend to spend the rest of their lives together.</p><p>First, though, Bellamy has to make himself more comfortable with the fact that Clarke is leaving on this mission to Shallow Valley. For the past five years, he and the rest of Skaikru have lived in peace - with the exception of Cooper’s poisoning of Kane and Jackson. Their lives have been uneventful and at times downright boring, but also blissfully quiet. All of that will change when Clarke leaves with Kane, Octavia, Niylah, and Miller on this mission.</p><p>“We’ve discussed this a hundred times. If they wanted to attack us, then they would’ve attacked the moment we let Gaia and the others inside,” Clarke says firmly.</p><p>“I know,” Bellamy replies. “And we have a lot to offer them.”</p><p>“From everything Niylah tells us – and from what we ourselves knew from before Praimfaya – we are far ahead of them in terms of medicine and technology. That’s knowledge they can benefit from, knowledge that will help keep all 1,187 of them alive.”</p><p>“And knowledge that we can’t share with them unless we’re alive,” Bellamy adds. He takes a breath. “I hate that we’re outnumbered ten-to-one though. Assuming everything Gaia and the others told us is true.”</p><p>Clarke nods. “I do wish Indra herself had come instead of Gaia since we know her – and we hardly know Gaia. I’m confident with what Kane says though. The bond that he and Octavia have with Indra is going to be enough.”</p><p>“I’m so glad she’s their chief.”</p><p>***</p><p>“But what if it’s a trap?”</p><p>“Jackson, we talked about this. It’s not a trap. If they wanted to get us, they would’ve attacked full-force instead of sending a delegation.”</p><p>Jackson listens to Miller’s voice. It’s firm and resolute. And he knows that Miller is right – at this point they are just repeating things that they have said to each other since the moment Gaia and the other members of the delegation left the Ark.</p><p>Jackson takes a breath and shakes his head.</p><p>“What?” Miller asks, not unkindly.</p><p>“I was just thinking back to the last time I almost lost you. Right before Praimfaya. I took some drastic action.”</p><p>“Please tell me you don’t have any drastic action planned for today,” Miller says. He still sounds bemused rather than irritated though Jackson wonders if he’s at the border. “Are you going to…forbid me to go?”</p><p>“That would never work,” Jackson says. “Though part of me wants to.”</p><p>“We’ll be safe. I promise.”</p><p>“You and the others are no match for 1,200 grounders.”</p><p>“No. Which brings us right back to….”</p><p>“I know,” Jackson says, this time smiling. “If they wanted to attack us they would have done so already. If they had hostile intentions, they would’ve grabbed Kane and held him as a hostage instead of sitting down and talking with the Council.” He takes another breath. “As soon as you leave, I think Abby and I are going to have a long talk in med bay. She’s equally worried since Clarke and Kane are going on this mission too.”</p><p>“You’re good at comforting each other. Do that.” Miller pauses, and then smiles. “Aren’t you glad we learned Trig?”</p><p>“Definitely.” During Jackson and Miller’s discussions with Octavia and Niylah about possibly becoming parents, the women had let the men know that they wanted any potential child to learn Trig. Jackson and Miller decided to learn it themselves and are now fluent.</p><p>Jackson is quiet for a moment. “They’re going to want a Trikru man to have the baby with, now. Not us.”</p><p>Miller touches a hand to Jackson’s arm. “Jacks. We’re getting ahead of ourselves.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Jackson says, shaking his head. “You’re right. And heck, if they do decide they’d prefer a Trikru father, maybe we can find another woman to have a baby with.” He shakes his head. “I’m just a mess at the thought of you leaving. I need to pull it together.”</p><p>Miller gently touches Jackson’s forehead with his own. “We’re going to be okay. I promise. I love you.”</p><p>***</p><p>When Clarke steps out of the rover, she almost cannot believe her eyes. The deathwave somehow skipped over this entire valley.</p><p>And it’s beautiful. Green grass and trees boasting colorful leaves. There are cottages and bushes and flowers. And most stunningly, there are people. Lots of people. Families, children, and even a few older adults. Off to the side, a group of warriors trains. Ahead there is what Clarke instantly recognizes as a schoolhouse – through its windows she can see children seated and Gaia standing at the front of the class. Laundry hangs out to dry on clotheslines, and Trikru members go about their tasks, only briefly pausing to eye the Skaikru delegation. It has been five years since Clarke has been around this many people. It’s not overwhelming for her – she can handle it – it’s just <em>different</em>. A bit exciting too.</p><p>Clarke continues to make as many mental notes as she can, eager to share all of it with Bellamy. He would love to see this, she knows. But she keeps her mind focused. Although Octavia and Kane will lead the discussions with Indra and her fellow leaders – clearly the two of them will be best-suited to this task – Clarke knows she needs to stay sharp too.</p><p>And then suddenly a group of people who were standing around seems to part, and Indra can be seen in the center. Clarke watches as Indra and Octavia stride up to each other. They hug heartily and unabashedly. Clarke knows what this moment means to Octavia, and she can’t wait to tell Bellamy all about it. And then Niylah and Kane are also exchanging hugs with Indra, though slightly more perfunctory ones.</p><p>“Right this way,” Indra says, gesturing to what Clarke can see is the largest structure in the valley. Clarke takes a breath and follows the others inside.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>“They should be arriving in the valley just now. Based on the coordinates and how fast the rovers can move.”</p><p>Abby speaks the words to Jackson and Bellamy. The three are sitting inside med bay; it’s as good a place as any. Most of Skaikru is a bit too buzzed right now at both the prospect of someday living in the valley as well as their fears of grounders, so the only work being done today is of the essential type.</p><p>“And the readings still look good. No sandstorms,” Bellamy says, looking down at his tablet.</p><p>Jackson glances at Bellamy. Bellamy has been glued to the tablet, and the radio has been faithfully holstered at his side. Abby has one too, and so Jackson hasn’t left Abby’s or Bellamy’s side much since the rover set off this morning. His mouth feels a bit dry but he’s not about to speak. What is there to say that hasn’t been said? There’s - ‘It feels a bit too good to be true.’ But there’s also – ‘Indra has been a solid ally’. And the ever-popular - ‘If they want our medical and engineering help, they can’t kill us.’ But that inevitably leads to – ‘What if this turns into a hostage situation?’</p><p>“We have a lot riding on a woman we haven’t seen for five years,” Abby murmurs, summing up Jackson’s thoughts for now. It really all comes down to Indra. Is she the same Indra they knew from before? Are her bonds with Octavia and Kane – and possibly Niylah – enough?</p><p>Raven pops her head inside med bay. “Anything?” she asks.</p><p>“Nothing,” Jackson answers. His mouth is dry as paper. He’s already drunk half of his day’s water ration, though he can always ask for more if he needs it. He lets his heart lift just a bit. If this all truly works out then water won’t be an issue. They could be swimming in fresh water within a few weeks, or taking showers that last more than five minutes. Breathing fresh air, eating fresh meat.</p><p>Both radios suddenly chirp, and Bellamy and Abby each instantly reach for them.</p><p>“It’s writing. No audio,” Bellamy says, clutching the radio. “Remember, we expected that,” he adds, reminding Jackson that the use of writing instead of audio doesn’t inherently mean anything has gone wrong.</p><p>“It’s still coming in,” Abby adds, staring at her device.</p><p>Bellamy reads what his screen shows. “Clarke says – ‘So far so good. Negotiations going well’.”</p><p>Jackson breathes a sigh of relief. He looks up to see Bellamy, Abby, and Raven looking equally relieved. Abby, in fact, is smiling, “I know, I know,” she says. “It still doesn’t mean nothing will go wrong. But….”</p><p>“But still,” Bellamy finishes for her. “Good news. She wouldn’t have sent this message unless she was confident that things were going well.” He exhales again.</p><p>***</p><p>Once again, Miller is glad he learned Trig. Most of the negotiations are conducted in that language, with just a few instances when Kane has had trouble keeping up and needed something translated. Miller was grateful each time – he certainly is nowhere near being able to <em>think</em> in Trig.</p><p>It’s going well though, Miller knows. Indra has offered to share the valley with Skaikru. As Clarke and the others had suspected, Trikru would like Skaikru’s medical and engineering expertise. And Trikru sees no reason to attack or harm Skaikru.</p><p>Skaikru will, it seems to Miller, need to accept that Trikru will run the show though. Indra says she will be happy to work with Octavia and Kane as Skaikru’s reps, but Skaikru will need to understand that this is a grounder village and they will live here as “respected allies”. Miller listens as the group discusses Trikru laws and rules. Kara Cooper’s situation comes up, and Indra scoffs at the idea that she’s been jailed – instead of executed – for attempted murder and tampering with the food supply. However Trikru does have a stockade where they place those who have committed lesser crimes, and Cooper will likely be transferred there when Skaikru moves into the valley. And it looks like a foregone conclusion as the negotiations wind down. Skaikru is going to move here.</p><p>Although the valley is spacious, housing is in short supply – Skaikru will need to build their own structures. Trikru won’t help with the labor or materials, but they are giving Skaikru the land, and that’s good. Miller knows they have some construction equipment in the Ark though he also sees aching shoulders and sore arms in his future too. But that’s okay. If the work will be outside in this beautiful valley with its fresh air, he’ll take it. If he gets to build a cottage for himself and Jackson not far from the lake, that’s a good thing. Even better if it will be near the cottages of all the people they love.</p><p>He knows that his father died hoping that Nathan might live to someday see something like this. Miller can’t wait for Jackson to see the valley. The doctor has spent almost all of his life inside the Ark’s walls, but Miller is sure he will enjoy the fresh air and colorful scenery here. He bites his lip and reminds himself to focus on the negotiations.</p><p>***</p><p>The day’s hunting is done. Octavia and her team hand off their catches to the crew who will take it from there.</p><p>“Blood all over you,” Niylah says, with a slight shake of her head though not hiding the satisfaction on her face either. “Come on. I’m drawing you a bath.”</p><p>“It’s still warm enough. I prefer the lake,” Octavia insists.</p><p>“You’ll be bathing in the lake up until the moment in turns into ice,” Niylah says. She shrugs. “Suit yourself. I will get the fireplace going so you can unthaw when you get inside.”</p><p>Octavia is, once again, officially Indra’s second. As such, she and Niylah have their own cottage, not far from Indra’s. It’s nothing special, nothing large but it’s homey and cozy. Their blankets from the Ark are atop the bed and one of the puzzles from Mount Weather is spread out on the table. They still enjoy doing them together though their leisure time is not as abundant as it was during the Ark years.</p><p>Niylah gets to work on the fireplace, making sure it will be roaring when Octavia returns. Despite her partner’s bravado, Niylah knows the lake is chilly this time of year. She reaches for one of the furs and flings it over the chair closest to the fireplace. Octavia will have something warm to wrap herself in when she returns. Meals are taken communally but their cottage has a small burner. Niylah puts the teakettle on and readies the red clover blossoms, which will be steeped into one of Octavia’s favorite teas.</p><p>Not long afterwards, Octavia is wrapped up inside the fur and sitting by the fire. Niylah is buzzing around, pouring her tea and fetching her socks.</p><p>“Would you get back here and just sit next to me?” Octavia asks. “You don’t need to wait on me.”</p><p>“I like doing so, and you know it,” Niylah says, placing the socks over Octavia’s feet. She then finally settles down into the other chair. “You are a respected hunter and Indra’s second. You deserve to be waited on a bit.”</p><p>“Nah,” Octavia says. “Sounds like something out of ancient earth when a wife was something to be owned instead of loved.” She stretches. “I am tired from that hunt though. But exhilarated. It was a good hunt.”</p><p>“It’s so nice to be here,” Niylah says. “Can you believe that it’s been six months since we left that metal Ark? That we both spent time living under its floor? I’m glad it sheltered us but sometimes it all feels like a long dream.”</p><p>“We survived it.” Octavia tilts her head up and takes a breath. They’re currently indoors but she’s savoring her long and productive day outside. “And now we have the best of both worlds.”</p><p>It’s true. Trikru has put Skaikru ingenuity to work; Raven and her team have been building and installing solar panels which make everything easier. Abby, Jackson, and Niylah – along with Trikru’s healers – have medical running smoothly.</p><p>As if on cue, Niylah’s radio buzzes.</p><p>“What is it?” Octavia asks.</p><p>“It’s Olina. She needs help in medical.” Olina is Trikru’s most junior healer.</p><p>“Is it urgent?” Octavia asks, sitting more upright.</p><p>“No,” Niylah says looking at her device. “But I’m the one on-call as her backup now, and I should go.”</p><p>She slides her feet back into shoes, and bends down to kiss Octavia.</p><p>“Hey.” Octavia says. “We’re still in agreement, right? Tomorrow we go talk to Miller and Jackson.”</p><p>“Right. It’s about time.”</p><p>***</p><p>Skaikru used a simple lottery system to determine the order in which their cottages would be built. Jackson was very lucky, drawing the number three. The cottage he now shares with Miller was the third one built by Skaikru. It’s smaller than Octavia and Niylah’s but just as warm and cozy. It’s certainly the best dwelling either man has ever lived in, and they are just steps away from the lake. Skaikru members whose cottages haven’t been built yet sleep inside tents in the interim. The tents are not ideal, but it’s universally agreed that living in the valley surpasses everything – the tents are a minor inconvenience until every cottage can be built. Most every member of Skaikru was happy to bid farewell to their metal, sterile walls and enjoy the planet their ancestors were born on.</p><p>“Worst morning person ever.”</p><p>Jackson laughs as he bends down to kiss the back of Miller’s head.</p><p>“I’m up, I’m up,” Miller groans. He turns over and opens his eyes. “Really, I’m up.”</p><p>“The canteen opens in ten minutes for breakfast,” Jackson says with a smile. “So you need to be at least functional soon.”</p><p>“You know I never miss a meal.”</p><p>On the days when neither man is needed for an emergency, their mornings have a pattern. They head to the canteen for their breakfast. They often walk back to their cottage with their food so they can eat together, sitting on their porch. So far, neither man’s radio has buzzed and they are able to enjoy this moment on the porch.</p><p>“I hope we never take it for granted,” Jackson says, gesturing in the direction of the horizon. The morning sunlight hitting the fields in the distance, the birds singing their songs to each other. He and Miller both treasure this porch, this space they have together.</p><p>“We won’t,” Miller says. “We spent way too many years boxed up inside the Ark.” And then in the distance, two men can be heard loudly yelling in Trig. It sounds like it’s escalating and might come to blows. “Although this place still isn’t exactly a paradise either,” Miller mutters. He truly does not intend a dig at grounders – Skaikru has always had its own share of unpleasant people such as Kara Cooper – but overhearing a fight still disrupts his morning nonetheless.</p><p>Just as Miller is getting ready to set his tray down and intervene in the fight, he hears Octavia’s voice joining in. She’s telling both men to cool it, and it sounds like they are obeying her. Moments later Octavia and Niylah appear on Miller and Jackson’s porch.</p><p>The two couples greet each other. Miller is not sure if this is a social call, but both Octavia and Niylah have facial expressions that can be described as unusually eager. He leans forward, wondering if he should stand. Glancing at Jackson, he sees that Jackson’s curiosity is equally piqued.</p><p>“Niylah and I did some talking,” Octavia begins, and Miller certainly appreciates that her communication style has always been no-frills. “If you’re still willing, we’re ready.”</p><p>“Let’s do this,” Niylah says.</p><p>Miller and Jackson exchange a look and then jump to their feet. “Yes, we’re still willing!” Miller says, smiling broadly. The group hugs each other from there.</p><p>***</p><p>Trikru has always performed wedding ceremonies en masse, twice per year. Once in the spring, once in the fall. No one is sure when or why this tradition started, but any couple that wishes to wed has the chance to do so - alongside others – at one of the two annual events.</p><p>Spring is finally here, and Clarke and Bellamy will be joining two Trikru couples during this ceremony. They agreed it would be a nice show of unity with Trikru. And if spring’s first couple of weeks are any indication, spring in the valley is beautiful. They also finally have a finished cottage of their own to live in, and can say goodbye to their tent forever. During the months they slept inside their tent, their friends were good to them – oftentimes Miller and Jackson or Octavia and Niylah would swap with them for a couple days at a time so they could enjoy their cabins and get a break from the tent.</p><p>Clarke can’t stop walking around the cottage, touching every wall and every surface.</p><p>“Eager to start drawing on every wall?” Bellamy teases. After five years, their room inside the Ark was truly covered floor to ceiling with Clarke’s work.</p><p>“Yes,” she laughs. “But mostly just glad to have this place of our own.” Although Clarke’s head is usually grounded in reality, she also knows that right now she is living the dream. Her own cottage, to be shared with the man she loves. The man she is soon to marry.</p><p>“The window’s my favorite part. The tent didn’t have that,” Bellamy murmurs, his gaze focused outside the window.</p><p>“Mine too. Well, that and the bathroom!”</p><p>“How could I forget that?”</p><p>Clarke’s voice turns serious as she stands at Bellamy’s side. “So. Are we ready for tomorrow?” She places her hands on his chest.</p><p>“I think so,” Bellamy answers. “Just one thing - are we going to observe the old custom of not seeing each other the day of? Trikru doesn’t do that.”</p><p>Clarke thinks for a moment. She and Bellamy have been approaching wedding preparations the way most of Skaikru has always done so. It’s an important occasion, for sure, but not the madhouse bonanza it was pre-apocalypse. Obsessing over details for something like this is not a luxury that either Skaikru or Trikru has ever had.</p><p>“Well, in order to do that, one of us will have to go back to the tent. Or sleep on someone else’s floor. So….” She lets her voice trail off, and they both laugh. An easy decision.</p><p>There is one detail that Clarke has paid special attention to, and that is her dress. Abby and Niylah have been working on it as a wedding gift for Clarke, and Clarke has to admit that she loves the gown and is looking forward to wearing it. It’s the sort of indulgence that she’s never really had before.</p><p>
  <em>She had her final fitting two days ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“A bit tight here,” Niylah had said, raising her eyebrows as she gently patted Clarke’s belly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Not as tight as yours would be!” Clarke had shot back. Her tone was friendly but she was seeking to deflect. Niylah was already more than five months pregnant and easily “showing” in her lighter spring attire.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But as Clarke spoke the words, Abby had gasped. “Clarke. You <strong>are</strong> thicker there!”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke held out both of her hands, trying to get Abby to put a lid on her excitement. “My period is late. But mom, please don’t go getting excited. It could mean anything. It could be a fluke.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Does it tend to stay on schedule?” Niylah had asked evenly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yes,” Clarke admitted with a tilt of her head. “It’s usually really timely. But I still say this could mean anything. Maybe it’s stress over the wedding. Maybe our bodies are still getting used to living in the valley.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“After almost a whole year?” Abby asked. “Clarke.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You are with child,” Niylah said definitively. At Abby’s look, she continued, “Yes, both of you taught me the scientific method, and I appreciate it. But I know that you are expecting a baby, Clarke. I believe your body needed to get into a natural environment where we humans belong, in order for the conception to take place.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke had smiled at Niylah, thinking for just a second how the two of them had been friends with benefits so many years ago. And now they are friends still, each in a passionate and loving relationship with one of the Blake siblings. She noted that Niylah was wearing, as she often did, the necklace Octavia made for her years ago. A few new baubles were on the chain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Abby crossed her arms over her chest, sticking to the matter at hand. “I’ll refrain from commenting that Clarke herself was conceived on the Ark. As was I, and as was almost every member of Skaikru.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke again held her hands up in a gesture to indicate a halt. “Just don’t say anything to Bellamy,” Clarke insisted. “We’ve all seen the data. Even if this is an early sign of a pregnancy, we know how common miscarriages are.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Does Bellamy suspect?” Niylah asked with a smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke had to exhale and purse her lips together. “He knows every damn thing that’s going on, even though I haven’t said anything. We’ll talk about it after the ceremony.” She had then added, “If I’m not pregnant, then let’s hope my period doesn’t decide to show up late - just in time to stain this dress during the wedding.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The three women had laughed and gotten on with the fitting.</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>And now, it is time. Clarke and Bellamy are being united at the same ceremony as the two Trikru couples, and the ceremony will blend traditions from both groups. Gaia performs part of it, with Kane also speaking a few words. There are several things that both groups have in common. Family members walk and stand with the brides and grooms, so Octavia is at Bellamy’s side and Abby at Clarke’s. And in both groups, brides and grooms exchange vows with each other.</p><p>Bellamy’s heart pounds when it’s his turn. He’s been working on the words for weeks, pretty much at any point when he can grab a break from teaching and construction work. He has been advised to make sure he keeps it concise, having been gently warned that grounders don’t go on and on with this sort of thing. Bellamy’s not sure how well the vow will flow, but he knows he has all the right concepts down. The fact that Clarke is his soulmate. And his best friend. The fact that she’s taught him how to use both his head and his heart, one to strengthen the other. Just as the two of them complement each other seamlessly.</p><p>When it’s his turn, he waits for just a second. He takes a look around. All of his loved ones are there, smiling. Octavia, Niylah, Miller, Jackson, Raven, Abby, Kane, the Skaikru kids and teens who he’s spent the past six years teaching. They were blessed with a gentle spring day and the outdoor auditorium is lush with colorful flowers. And there is Clarke standing before him, holding one of his hands as he glances at the paper he’s holding in the other.</p><p>Bellamy knows that life from here on out won’t be easy. It never is. The ghosts from his past still haunt him; it gets easier to bear but the trauma never really disappears. He knows he can’t get lulled by the beauty of the valley, and he knows that he and the other Skaikru leaders will need to continue to work every day to maintain their peace and stability with Trikru. Who knows what future awaits them and what might drop from the sky? But Clarke is at his side and life feels very good.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>THE END</strong>
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  <em>
    <strong>Thank you for reading all 61,000 words of this! Please let me know what you thought. And there might be an epilogue too. After all, sharing the valley might become difficult, and the Eligius is about due.</strong>
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